Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Get rid of him then. He has no right to judge you, and certainly not to do that in front of your children.

I do want to add, his dad was an alcoholic

I’m sorry but NOBODY would be referring to me as a “lush”
get rid of him there is no excuse for this whatsoever

Just dump him. You’ve only been together six months and he’s already being emotionally abusive. Things will only get worse. Why are you putting up with him talking to you like that?

He’s being abusive in his language to you so I’d be leaving him for definite.

How much do you drink, is it just one glass a day with your main meal?

It’s been 6 months and he’s showing signs of starting to verbally/emotionally abuse you to the point you’re lying and hiding things from him. And he’s doing this in front of your children. I’m sure you’ve had bad experiences with exes that haven’t caused you to call your partner derogatory names and accuse them of things they haven’t done. Ditch him

If he was saying supportive things then that would be one thing. Maybe there would just be a difference of ideas as to how much a person can reasonably drink, but if he’s calling you a lush and retard that’s hardly the sign of a healthy relationship.

Thanks for the replies. When I ask him why he is calling me a lush and everything he says hes just joking and I bite to easily.

I love a glass of wine or a gin
I’m an 50 year old adult , work full time, pay the bills and have been grafting since 16 and brought up 6 kids and am an active part of my 4 grandkids life
if I fancy a wine at the end of the working day or a bottle on a Saturday afternoon/ evening I will be buggered if I’m going to explain myself to any mother fucker!

I actually missed the bit where you say he’s calling you a retard. Why the fuck are you with him op? Raise your standards, especially when you’re setting an example of relationships to your children. How far into the relationship did he start trying to control you? And how old are your children?

Hi, no, it's not just one glass. Its probably about 3. But I am never aggressive or in no way falling about.
I am in the kitchen tonight alone. He won't come and talk to me as I have had alcohol with my daughter at a pub lunch.

Exactly right!
cheers 🥂

That would be deal breaker for me. If he's acting like that after only 6 months imagine what awaits you in the future.

Ugh. Slippery slope here by the sound of it op, I’d be getting rid now before he gets worse. He has no right to call you names.

Come on OP. 6 months in and he's calling you names? All he's worth is a farewell text.

You simply aren’t compatible. Now, realistically, there may be a point to be made. People who have a history as children of alcoholics do tend to be drawn to people who have problematic relationships with alcohol. I’m speaking from personal experience here. But someone who doesn’t drink (me) is totally not compatible with someone who is into their wine pairings and, say, drinking daily (and yes, 3 glasses a day or more days than not is too much). He’s being a jerk about it, yes, but fundamentally it just isn’t going to work.

This. It’s not about the alcohol, it’s the name calling.

I read something by a therapist on Reddit that teetotallers are dysfunctional in their judgement about alcohol ie. no discernment between alcoholism, moderate/heavy drinking, casual/social drinking etc.

This usual stems from a place where alcohol was abused, either by themselves, or their family.

I'd get rid of him for calling me retarded and possibly offer him a drink on the way out.

Enjoy your wine, cheese and self esteem.

Abusers always say they were only joking and the victim is too sensitive or has taken it the wrong way.

Not only is he calling you a lush and an alcoholic, he's called you retarded. That is absolutely the last straw right there. Dump him immediately.

Are you living as a blended family after only 6 months? What do the children think of him?

He sounds like a twat. The only thing I’d say is we don’t know how much you drink so don’t know how detrimental it is. How on earth did you end up with a tea totaller?

I would be very worried about your drinking level in a partner. But the name calling is abusive. I would end the relationship and go on living your life, which may or may not include changing your drinking habits - totally your choice as an adult.

Do you drink every night?

You sound completely incompatible. I couldn’t be with someone who drinks as much as you, but I would I would have left the relationship as soon as I had found out. Not tried to change your behaviour by being an abusive a**hole. Leave him OP.

OP. Just get rid. If he has a problem with your alcohol consumption then he has a choice. He can accept it or he can fuck off, they are his options (IMO). The fact his father was an alcoholic is HIS problem.

At 55 years old I couldn’t be arsed putting up with this shite. You also have a choice OP.

Two issues here.

1. he is verbally abusive - you should dump him. Nobody, regardless of their concerns or their validity should be calling you names.
2. even though he is expressing himself totally unacceptably, this does not mean you do not have an alcohol problem. It sounds like you may be drinking with every dinner and at least some lunches- with three glasses at a time? That sounds unhealthy and excessive to me. The fact that you know about wines doesn’t mean that level of consumption is healthy…. And you haven’t been clear at all about the actual number of units you are drinking in a week. So I would suggest you you look clearly at that and ask a doctor if this level is healthy.

Good luck with both of these.