Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

What on earth are you doing with a man who calls you retarded? If he has such a problem with you drinking alcohol, why is he with you? If you're a grown woman who knows her own mind, you must know this relationship is toxic and you need to end it.

I've read your updates and if his dad was an alcoholic he'll have seen how behaviours change with a drink and possibly doesn't trust anything a loved one says or does when they're under the influence so he's going hardline with his reaction, ie withholding affection. He may not want to be intimate if he thinks you're under the influence, his standard of that is much stricter than yours. You're just not compatible with your lifestyle choices tbh. Three glasses is about a bottle of wine so to his measure thats quite excessive though not to everyone.

She drinks at least 44 + units a week.

Im off to bed now. But thanks for replies.
Tonight I have totally ignored all his nasty comments about me to my daughters and siblings. They like him but think its odd. They dont see a problem with me which makes it strange to them.

Yes to the second if by field you are referring to addiction and/or domestic abuse.

Well then you're never going to get along, are you? He will only be happy if you're teetotal. You want to drink 3 glasses of wine each day that you've paired with your food, plus lunch....it's never going to work.

You’re only 6 months in, OP, and already he’s moved in, he’s not contributing to living costs (though he may offer a treat from time to time and he’s talking to you with contempt. It does sound like you drink too much but that doesn’t entitle him to be so horrible to you. Actually, you sound rather vulnerable, OP, and i think your drinking increases your vulnerability.

Time to ditch this twit I think. If he really thinks 6months into a relationship that he can have any kind of say in what you do with your life then it's only going to get worse further into the relationship. He sounds abusive and he isn't hiding it either he talks to you like absolute crap in front of your kids. I can honestly say I don't know the meaning of a "lush" though but can only assume it's offensive in the term he's using it for.

@MissRaspberry - lush means drunkard in this context.

Lush means drunk or someone who drinks heavily.
It is slang.

You need to tell him he can’t stay any more, and get him out of your life. Your alcohol consumption does sound excessive and won’t be doing your health any good but it’s not going to be addressed through his control and verbal abuse.

You've been together six months and he's calling you "retarded"? That's shocking at any time, but at this stage of a relationship that's worth ending it on the spot (regardless of whether or not you have a problem with alcohol). This guy is not a long term partner who is going to love you and take care of you when times are hard or when you're sick.

I don’t know what a lush is but I would have told him to fuck off a long time ago

If you can’t see that this man is abusive and controlling (OPs alcohol aside) then I’d be very concerned if you were working in domestic abuse.

Three glasses of wine every night is alcoholic territory, however sophisticated you try and make it sound with wine pairings and cave visits.

However, that doesn’t give him the right to be abusive and it doesn’t sound like this relationship is going to work.

why do you stay?

Bin the sanctimonious cunt

Cheers I'm not familiar with the term

Red flag right there.

Take good care of yourself OP

Yes he’s abusive but also sounds like you have an issue with alcohol. Esp if having 3 glasses regularly

and no you prob don’t don’t roll about the kitchen drunk as you drink too much and therefore 3 glasses won’t get you pissed as you have a higher tolerance

you were with an alcoholic previously and maybe you don’t reliese how much you drink

esp when you say this isn’t about the amount you drink - you can’t be t total

you have issues with alcohol

You need to find a way to kick him out.

Have you checked his documents, visa, and contacted his adult children in the US? Is there a company he is going to work for? Did he really have a house that he sold?
All of that sounds completely fishy.

@KhakiOrca he is a massive red flag. .
Pack his stuff and have your sister and anyone else you think you may need with you.
Then tell him he s leaving now and it’s over and over to contact you again. AND mean it !

He can go back to his plan A of where he will
be staying until he moves away.

You are better off without this one .

It's her house.

I had 3 glasses of wine tonight. So did dh. One bottle between us. Big glasses not very full. MN is quick to do pearl clutching. Whether or not OP (or I for that matter) have an issue with alcohol is not the point here.
OP, he will never make your soul sing. I'm sure family issues are the root of it but it's not your problem to take on. He sounds repressive and controlling. Move on and be happy.

You own your house, so one day when you know he'll be out, have a locksmith ready, change all the locks, and pack his stuff. Put it outside in boxes/black bags.

Do not let him back in under any circumstances. He can find a hotel room for himself with all the cash he has from selling his house. Or he can go and stay with a relative and call them 'retarded', and see how welcome he is.