Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Op he sounds awful I’m not sure why you think you owe him a roof over his head for doing favours for you. You should just say hey x I’m having a shit time right now and your not helping so you need to move out and change the locks and get something where he cannot just come in without your permission that’s very creepy. Just because he works with kids doesn’t mean he is ok plenty of people mask themselves.

Who cares if he helped you decorate. He has also done a lot of harm and is being very manipulative and toxic. You have already done him a big favor.

Please end things, your home should be a safe space for you. You have nothing to feel guilty for. His giving you the wine and then wanting his way with you is disturbing. Him trying to get you off booze, and then drink more (like he's lashing out or hostile) is disturbing.

The truth is you jumped from one abusive relationship in to another and your issues with alcohol, aren’t as in the past as you make out. Everytime you drink is a choice, be it a glass or two or a whole bottle.

This OP... please get out asap

You sound very vulnerable OP.
Get some support from your family and get this rapist out of your home.
And there was never a job abroad.

Above everything else you need to stop justifying drinking too much alcohol with “I had food too”. You need to see someone in relation to your unhealthy relationships with both. All it’s doing by drinking a bottle of red with a block of cheese is accelerating your road to a heart attack. One doesn’t negate the harm of the other in any way. And get support from women’s aid or a local peer recovery service to leave this nasty rapist. There’s a better life for you

OP, do you have any RL support , people who can help you get this man out of your house?

You said in your OP that you have a daughter and sister who have picked up on his comments. Tell them that they are right, and you are acting on their (and your) observations and need to get him out. Ask if they would be prepared to come and be alongside you and tell him he needs to pack up his stuff and leave.

This is my advice:

1. Get rid of this man. He is doing you emotional and psychological damage and you stand no chance of helping yourself grow stronger in any other area of your life while he is present. So what if he has decorated and helped with dog? Add that up against market rent. Plus it was his choice to do that - you owe him nothing. And above all that - he is abusive and exploitative and that overrides everything else.
2. Do the Freedom Programme on line, which helps you identify and protect yourself against controlling and abusive men, and / or get other support for the sexual and emotional abuse you have suffered. You could try talking to your GP or looking for a local rape crisis support group (who support survivors no matter how long ago the assault)
3. Then make your own decision about what role you want alcohol to play in your life and how you want support to achieve that. If you use it for 'self medication' as well as for your food pairing enjoyment, it will be hard to stop that without ways to get support for the vulnerabilities on your life. On the other hand, alcohol can impede your decision making and ability to protect yourself - so have a think how these processes interlink.

First job: get rid of this man. Before he robs you of every faculty you have within yourself to rescue yourself and rebuild your life.

I have absolutely no idea why this horrible man is in your life. You don’t have to live like this OP. There’s so much joy to be had from living a simple, drama-free life. We create our own lives so you need to create a calm mind first. Then a much better life will follow.