Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

6 months in, and he's calling you retarded? Why would you accept that from anyone?

Sounds like you are not a good match. You like a drink, he has issues with alcohol as his dad was an alcoholic and doesn’t drink at all. He is belittling you with his language even in front of your family and withholds affection. He will destroy your confidence and self esteem eventually. Ditch him and find someone more compatible. Live your life as you want as you say. You can’t do it with this man.

Am sorry, he won't talk to you because you had a drink?

Please get some self-worth. Not about having a drink, about having yourself a decent partner. He's putting you down, he's doing it in front of the children and he's now being emotionally abusive. As people like to say on MN, he's showing you what he is, please listen and get rid of the rubbish. Please buy yourself a decent bottle of champers to celebrate after.

You've been with him for 6 months... this is still the 'honeymoon' period of the relationship and I wouldn't tolerate my husband of twenty years calling me that. I'd bin him off ...he's showed you who he is very early on- believe him!

Coercive control. Withholding affection to control behaviour. Classic. Get rid.

Once he's gone and you have a clear head then decide for yourself what relationship you have with alcohol and what you'd like it to be in the future.

Life is too short OP - he’s a twat. Surely you don’t need him in your life - it’s only been 6 months. Dump him and raise your standards. You deserve so much more.

He’s called you names - retarded? And then gaslights you by saying it’s a joke.
this is not a healthy relationship.
you're 55 don’t put up with this.
live your own life. (But look after your health because 21+ glasses of wine a week is too much).

And to add. You say you’re confused. What are you confused about?

and make sure you put …… hic at the end of it !

You aren’t suited to being in a relationship together. You enjoy wine and treat it as a hobby from the pairing perspective and he is triggered by drinking because of his own experiences. Nobody is wrong but you just don’t work together. Sorry.

If he was actually worried about how much you drink he would raise it sensitively and have an actually conversation. He is an arsehole who has somehow found himself free lodgings. Kick him out tomorrow OP

I'm not being judgmental, and not critical of OP, but addicts can't work it out. They think they are just lucky to have found a solution to life's problems which other people haven't found. (I'm thinking of Elizabeth Pena and Yootha Joyce, two actresses I admired who did just this).

He calls you retarded?!!
Sorry but that's way too offensive to come back from and that's before we get onto the lush and alcoholic comments.
It's only been 6 months.
Leave this one, it's just a learning moment and now you've learnt that both ends of the spectrum (alholic and tea total) can include bad partners.

How much are you actually drinking? If you drink wine with dinner very night especially if it's more than one glass then that is quite a lot. I don't drink at all and my husband will have a 2 or 3 bottles of beer on a Saturday night and I don't mind at all but if he was drinking daily I probably would think it was a lot and encourage him to cut down. I broke up with a few guys when I was single due to their drinking / smoking / weed use.

However your partner calling you a lush and other such names isn't very nice or helpful. Possibly you just aren't suited to each other?

He’s an idiot
i think you do actually drink too much and may due to your last relationship think you drink normally. I’m not sure 3 glasses of wine a night is normal op sorry
but he defo needs to go for sure

You’re conveniently missing the bit where he called her a “retard”

Firstly, he does genuinely sound awful.

However, 3 glasses of wine with EVERY main meal is at least 6 units a day even with a smaller glass, and women are recommended to drink no more than 14 a week. You're drinking - at least - 3 times more than the recommended amount.

As an adjective the word is a compliment, but a a noun it's definitely derogatory.

Why are you with him

Ah the old 'i was only joking, you're too sensitive' excuse.

He sounds horrible.

You aren’t confused or you wouldn’t have written this. The bloke is a complete Arsehole. In the bin.

Just seen how much you drink.

Its now recommended that you have several alcohol free days per week so your liver can recover.

I've just lost a relative to cirrhosis and she was in no way an alcoholic although she liked a drink she was never falling over drunk. But it killed her all the same.

Its been quite a wake up call for me.

Partner still shouldn't call you names though.

He would be an ex after saying one thing about my drinking to my children and/or siblings.

If you have an issue with any aspect of my behaviour discuss it with me like a mature adult, do not bad mouth me to others and play emotional games - it's abusive, it's nasty and it's immature.

For what it's worth anyone who tries to explain away poor behaviour as "banter" or "just joking' is usually displaying bullying behaviour. Replace banter/ joke with bully and that is the true person.

Get rid of him.

It’s only been 6 months and he’s trying to change you already. You are not compatible.

I sometimes have a whole bottle of wine, if I'm out for the evening.
However it is once in a blue moon.
OP does this EVERY. EVENING. And sometimes at lunchtime!

Let's NOT enable alcoholism by minimising it, thanks.