Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

I am just thinking of just being ruthless and chucking his stuff out. But , he has helped me a bit with dog and decorating. I don't know how to do it.

Decorating is irrelevant.
You owe him absolutely NOTHING.
Get him out of your house by any means necessary!
Good luck.

Your life, body, home and wellbeing aren't a commodity. He doesn't get to abuse and rape you because he held a paintbrush or dog leash for a few hours.

Please get help with putting a plan together asap. I bet your family and friends will be very happy to help you get rid of him.

You should consider a Clare's Law request. I bet you're not the first woman he has abused. https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

The thing about the clairs law request, he works with students and also trains kids in other things. He said he has had the full dbs clearance for his job.
He has never come across angry and I dont think he would be violent. But I do think he is controlling in other ways.
I have lost a lot if weight over 6 yrs by changing my diet. He think I am fat. He doesnt know I was overweight before. But my addiction is probably food more than anything and I find that more of a struggle to get a grip on than anything.

So I do have an addictive nature. But I also I feel that if I didn't have controlling men in my life I would be fine.

Yeah I was hiding my drinking but it made me drink more. I no longer get hide it and definitely don't drink as much now.

I am not actually in AA. I did an online meeting and may still do that. But everyone on that meeting was drunk.

How much are you drinking now? What about today for example?

I will carry on reading tomorrow. Thanks for all your replies.

One bottle of red. But had some nice dinner with it

Can I just say, that alcoholicsI have met have hidden alcohol from people.
I hid mine just from this new bf who is ttotal.
He now knows I won't hide things and even got me a bottle to drink tonight to try and prove a point in some strange way.

Dump him for using the word ‘retarded’

I honestly don’t understand your replies - he’s verbally abusive - sexually abusive - and giving you booze (to sleep with you) so mentally and emotionally abusive

uou say uou have family /sisters /adult children around uou - so why are uou letting him do all this to you ?

The more you reply , the worse it gets

is there actually anything you like about this man ? If not - why are you still with him?

He's so disgusting these posts are difficult to read.
@KhakiOrca I think you're still not seeing how much he's using you and how badly he's treating you. You've been focusing on the alcohol issue which is really a side issue. He has raped you. He's said the most horrible things to you. He clearly despises you. He's sponging off you by living in your home. He called you retarded. And he's somehow made you feel that you can't throw him out. You've persuaded yourself that he isn't too bad.

You say you don't know how to do it. Put his things in a bag and tell him he has to leave now. Where he goes is absolutely not your problem. Do you have friends or relatives who could be there with you when you throw him out? If I had a relative, friend, neighbour or acquaintance who was enduring a tiny fraction of what he's done to you, I'd go round without hesitation to support you in seeing him off.

The point he is proving is that he is willing to manipulate an alcoholic with alcohol. He sounds like a psychopath.

I'm afraid you ARE putting up with it OP. You haven't shown him the door yet, have you?

Please ditch him and get to an in person AA meeting. A bottle of red in an evening doesn't convince anyone you don't have a problem.

2 completely separate things here:
1 - this vile man is using you for your house. Kick him out.
2 - you do have a problem with alcohol. I hope once this awful man is gone then you can go back to AA so that you are less vulnerable in future.

Get a locksmith over today. Gather his things and leave them outside your house.

Have your friends and family stay with you until he’s gone for good.

This is going to sound very hard, but I am writing it to try to push you into helping yourself. I'm writing it because by writing this stuff on MN I believe you've sent out a cry for help for yourself, not a cry for help to improve your relationship with this man who was only supposed to be lodging with you pending a move to another country.

Everything you have now written suggests that you are dependant on both alcohol abuse and dependant on being abused by this man.

Please, please get some help to understand why you need alcohol to function daily and why you are hooked in another in a string of abusive relationships as if you feel for some reason that's all you deserve.

You deserve to love yourself better.

Probably because she’s scared of being on her own.

That’s 10 units.

You are drinking at levels that are damaging your body.

Good god I have no idea what I am reading. @KhakiOrca your boundaries are absolutely fucked. This man is basically getting you drunk, raping you openly and then taking the piss out of you in front of family and friends.

You absolutely NEED to get him out of your house. It’s really simple- just say “This is not working for me, you need to leave this evening.” If he refuses to go call the police and/ or consider having a family member friend there too.

Then my own view is you should seek some counselling, stay away from
men and stop drinking completely for a short time at the very least.

He gave you the wine so that he could sexually abuse you any which way he wants, then make out like you wanted him to do it, then weaponise your drinking against you when it suits him. Honestly, just stop drinking with him full stop.

She’s not on her own. She has her family aka sisters and adult kids

Alcoholics have to want to help theirselves - no one else can stop them drinking or to why out of an abusive relationship

only you can do this @KhakiOrca

you keep saying you don’t have an issue with alcohol. But surely you can see that a man who is tee total and doesn’t like you drinking /drunk - is taking advantage /abusing you by plying you with booze and then sexual acts

you say your sister and daughter don’t like his behaviour so why haven’t you spoken to them and get him out of your life and home ?

you don’t went to go to AA as you say you can’t not drink and be tee total - you need to cut back if you can’t stop