Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Thanks everyone. I allowed him to stay as i knew he was going away. But now its not happening as fast as I thought (as he told me)
I thought i was in love with him, and I was until he started to withhold affection after I had a glass of wine. I would go to hug him and he would say " get off me you mad woman"
I have been in no way mad, disrespectful , or anything like that.
Like I said , I am 55yrs old. And so is he. I just think we're not matched in any way.

I dont care if someone drinks or not, but don't judge me if I do.
So confused. And the fact that now my daughter and sister have seen his behaviour over the weekend is just making me not want him. When I really wanted him before.

He's rude, isn't he? But if you're having 3 glasses of wine every day, then that's....surely 27 units per week, at least?

I got to the point where he is calling you retarded (feel awful even typing that word) and thought "why on earth are you putting up with this?". This is a vile thing to say to anyone but especially your partner. LTB.

Maybe she is (assuming it’s a she) but I’m sure she has people around IRL who can support her with that. She was not asking whether she had a problem with alcohol, she was asking if she had a problem with her DP.

How much alcohol are you drinking. Is it above the maximum recommended amount. Which isn't good for you but he sounds awful regardless.

This is the start of him trying to control you. If it’s not this it will be something else. You need to be very alert to the fact a lot of men out there start their abuse like this. Also, anyone who uses the word retarded deserves to be immediately dumped. Horrible.

There's a lot of guff about 'alcohol problems' on this thread!

Three glasses of wine does NOT mean a whole bottle, unless you're drinking 250ml glasses. Most people, at home, will not be drinking that amount. A standard bottle of wine is 6 glasses.

You are either an alcoholic or he has issues. Either way this relationship should end.

its time to be clear with him that he needs to figure out his housing issue sooner than later.

once he is gone, you can do some introspection without the distraction and decide if he was just a bizarre man or if there was any truth to what he said.

Because she does have an alcohol problem and almost all addicts are in denial about their addiction. They will blame anything and everyone else before realising they have a substance abuse problem.

44

Just to make things clear to those who think I may be drinking more than the recommended weekly allowance. This isn't about this for me. This is about someone trying to control something I have always enjoyed.
I just cannot be forever T Total. And I dont appreciate being called an alcoholic or a lush. And i dont appreciate being starved of affection when I have had a glass of wine.
I have gone off him for that. For starving me of affection when he was so affectionate and loving in the beginning

But whether or not OP has a problem with alcohol is irrelevant.

OP has a man living with her who, even her DD and sister have pointed out, isn’t treating her well. He is calling her names and trying to control her only 6 months in. He needs to leave.

The alcohol is a red herring. If it wasn’t that, there’d be something else.

Oof that sounds like a lot of alcohol. He may be saying it the wrong way, but underneath his nasty words it sounds like there is some worry and concern about you. Have you ever thought you might be harming yourself? Have you had liver etc checked recently?

What are you confused about?
This man sounds very unpleasant, I wouldn't want him living in my home. If you don't want him living in your home tell him he needs to leave and if he doesn't show signs of going pack his stuff up, ask for your key back and put him out, if necessary.

And then, I think it might be worth taking stock of your alcohol consumption but not as a result of anything this horror has said to you.

He’s name calling and withholding affection when you do something he doesn’t want you to. This isn’t about alcohol, this is about controlling abusive behaviour on his behalf.

get him out of your house (cheeky fucker) and out of your life

She is not ‘blaming’ anyone, she is saying her DP is being unkind and abusive (which he is) so whether she is in denial or not, it is not up to anyone on here to tell her that. It is not what the OP was about.

14 units a week is the max recommended.

Assuming standard 11-12% wine, for 3 glasses of wine a night to be under 14 units a week, those glasses would have to be around 70mL each.

Never say never but I don’t know many people who count that small amount of wine to be a ‘glass’.

A regular glass of wine 175ml is 2.1 units
(most wine glasses are half full at 250ml so this is smaller than one would think )

NHS limit has been made unisex at 14 units per week for political reasons.
It was 11 units for women which makes biological and medical sense.

3 glasses of wine per evening = 6.3 units.
7 days a week= 44.1 units (evenings only)

OP has this every day and at times in addition to a pub lunch with alcohol.

OP is drinking more than triple the maximum.

“The type of illnesses you can develop after 10 to 20 years of regularly drinking more than 14 units a week include:

• mouth cancer, throat cancer and breast cancer
• stroke
• heart disease
• liver disease
• brain damage
• damage to the nervous system

There's also evidence that regular drinking at high-risk levels can make your mental health worse. Research has found strong links between alcohol misuse and self-harming, including suicide.”

Also thanks for all the replies but this isn't about how much i drink. He was like this when i had one glass of wine with dinner before.

How much do you drink? But most likely you are incompatible.

I do not agree he is being abusive.
As for unkind, yes but I see that as tough love.
Being kind about an addiction is enabling imho.

The OP is about her DP being judgemental regarding her alcohol consumption. Much of her initial post was justifying how much she loves wine and her sommelier like qualifications. So this situation about her DP is inextricably linked to alcohol.

He is off to the US anyway. Focussing on him is distracting but ultimately you need to get a grip on your alcohol consumption and take care of yourself.

He's at the other extreme and calling you a lush in company is just the height of disrespect. Unless you're pairing alcoholic beverage to every meal and he's clumsily genuinely worried, then he's unreasonable and you aren't compatible.

Just a genuine question. Are you a recovering addict or have experience in this field?

You're just not compatible. I couldn't be with a heavy drinker and you obviously want to be with someone who celebrates and participates in your heavy drinking.

Calling your alcohol habit "pairing wine and food" doesn't mean it's not too much and not detrimental to your health.