Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

He doesn’t want to take meds because he’s happy with the way things are. He knows he has it and it’s up to him to do something about it. The gaslighting, by the way, is abusive and is not part of the condition. I’m going to ask the usual Mumsnet question: was he like this when you met him?

If he wasn't behaving this way before then why has the ADHD only kicked in now?

I've been the spouse whose behavior (due to untreated anxiety in my case) drove my DH to say that unless I changed my behavior, he couldn't continue our relationship. It shocked me into seeking help, which has included medication, and we got back on track.

He can't help his condition, but he needs to take responsibility for it and seek treatment. It sounds as if he can't be a good partner to you while it's left untreated. How is he as a parent?

If he wasn't always like this then it's not all ADHD, it will be just another man taking it easy, doing his own thing, while the woman and children he supposedly loves slowly die a thousand deaths.

So the question is - when did he change, or has he always been a shit and unsupportive partner?

My H was the same. Before we had kids the ADHD was manageable - mainly because he only had to take responsibility for himself and not anyone else.

He started medication but tbh it didn’t changed anything for me. He’s better focussed at work now, but I haven’t seen any change in how he is at home.

We talked over and over about finding coping strategies but ultimately his coping strategy will always be “let Leta do it”. When he fucks up, I fix it because I don’t want my kids (also both ND) to suffer. We separated in January and honestly at no point has it felt like I’ve lost a partner. Just that I’ve shed a burden. I’m down to 2 kids now, without the 3rd one - who was the neediest and created the most work for me!

It is so common that kids is the things that break you - because your DH now has to put someone else’s needs ahead of his own. And he can’t. Or won’t.

You’ll be better off without him.

Why marry him and have children with him

When we first met it was a bit of a whirlwind.. looking back now that was probably his adhd.. everything was spontaneous fun and exciting. Now we are in mum and dad mode I want calmness and focus on kids needs.

he comes across rude and disrespectful. My sister was talking the other day about what she was going to have for tea and he interrupted her and started talking about what he was going to have. It sounds like nothing, but it’s constant and he says he doesn’t know he’s doing it.

he is very immature too. I am noticing it more now that I am a mum.

would treating adhd help? Or is this his personality ?

gaslighting issue- so for instance.. I’ll say that annoyed me when you done x y z and he will say “no I never did that?” Is it because he’s not present to realise because he believes his own narrative… it can be something small and trivial.

another thing he does is I’ll say it’s raining.. and he will say how do you know?? And I’ll have to say look out the window ? - he questions everything

it’s sounds so silly me typing but honestly it is soul draining

Yeah if he was like what you described from the outset the signs were clear that he wasn’t going to be a great father.

This isn’t just ND. He is also selfish - it’s a character trait.

Certain medical things? Apparently iron deficiency can make symptoms work (and yes, that's less common in men, but it happens, and presumably if iron levels affect it, so can lots of other things).
To answer you OP, I would try to support my partner as you never know what is going to happen in life, and it could easily be the other way around.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

This sums it up. He chooses to care for and take responsibility for what and who interests him.

He isn’t sufficiently interested in you and the kids sadly.

@Pistachiocake You can be supportive while also making it clear that someone's behavior needs to change if your relationship is going to survive. The OP doesn't have to stay with a partner who is making her unhappy.

OP I really do understand and it’s so draining. I have to do the adult thinking for my partner and both my kids as well as myself and I’m
autistic with limited energy. My partner does want to take medication but isn’t on the stuff that works best due to a heart condition so he’s on something that takes the edge off but it’s not enough.

It’s so much hard work for you OP and if he’s not willing to listen to you then you need to do what’s best for you. There’s a huge difference between recognising he’s making things harder and trying but failing to improve and him believing everything is ok and it’s everyone else who has the problem. And that kind of thinking by him is fine if he’s single without children but he isn’t and he has to consider the rest of the family. Important to remember Not doing so isn’t necessarily a sign of adhd and may just be his personality and unwillingness to take responsibility

Can you write it all down for him to read and re-read because the conversations you have won’t stick. As soon as it’s ended it’s out of his mind and he will mask any guilt at inaction with anger and gaslighting because if he’s anything like my partner was (!) he’ll get ridiculously defensive about it all through an unrecognised guilt. I kicked my partner out last year for 6 months and in that time I didn’t hold back and told him hard truths. . He saw how my life improved without him and his delusions of great father and provider were smashed (and the house was spotless!!), it was a wake up call. We sat down and worked stuff out and I won’t pretend it’s perfect because it never will be but I accept within reason there are things. He is incapable of doing that I have to do but he also helps me out with things I struggle with (and he no longer complains about it) so it balances out.

Communication is the key and if he’s unwilling he needs a kick up the arse or a push out the door. There’s only so much parenting of an adult you can do when that adult doesn’t recognise or admit to their struggles. It’s similar
to an addict only his addiction is seeking dopamine.

sending you strength OP because it’s so fucking hard and unfair.

when I say refusing to take medication I mean GP prescribed. He is talking supermarket vitamins ( which to be fair he used to always take but since moving into our new house 2 years ago he stepped) I think it’s magnesium but c and zink he takes

The ADHD is a total red herring. It doesn’t make you a selfish, inconsiderate twat, That is caused by being a selfish inconsiderate twat. I have a child with ADHD with more empathy and emotional intellingence than your partner.

OP again it’s not ND. It’s his personality. He can take all the vitamins he want but he’s clearly selfish and not interested in doing better.

@mumofb2 Perhaps ask him what he'd do if he's diagnosed with another medical condition, such as diabetics, high blood pressure, or he developed an infection. Would he also refuse to take any prescribed medications?

ADHD is a neurological medical condition. Why is he refusing treatment for it?

He should be taking medication for high blood pressure !!! But he thinks he can manage this by diet and exercise too…….. like talking to a brick wall

I agree with this. He's using ADHD as an excuse to just do what the hell he wants and leave you to do everything else. He could make a start to change and take his prescribed meds and he chooses not to. Don't get me started on men that do that querying or inane backchat on every single thing you say (how do you know? or some other stupid comment). Dump him, he's an arse.

Imagine spending the rest of your life with him as he is. Forty plus years probably. You have one life, don't waste it. If he won't take the medication, I would end the marriage. His choice.

I have ADHD and I've spent a great deal of time researching and implementing household routines that work for me and ensure I can parent my children properly and that they don't miss out on things and they have what they need. It's exhausting tbh, but the alternative is that they suffer, which is unthinkable for me.

If he won't listen to you and think about what he can do to make things better, he just doesn't care about you and the kids enough.

As a short-term strategy, I would try to structure family life so that HE is the one who suffers the most from his lack of organisation. Try to organise things so that the decisions he makes come back to bite him on the bottom, and it might motivate him to change things.

OP, you are describing a male version of my sister, who has ADHD. She had a complete personality change when she changed medication.

Her Automatic response to any reasonable request is “no”, she avoids all responsibility & will fob things off into other people, never has any interest in anyone else (eg to ask how they are), talks about herself incessantly, is completely unable to see anyone else’s perspective, blames everyone else, it is never her fault & she is the victim in it all.

She criticises what others do despite doing fuck all herself - and the only thing she has any remote kind of empathy for is the bloody cat - more so than her own children. She’s reactive & I’m always on eggshells around her.

It’s impossible to have a decent relationship with her.

I’m sure none of that has helped you whatsoever, but sending sympathy!

I really sympathise!

So, he's not willing to reduce his chances of having a heart attack or stroke, despite the fact that he has two small children who need him? That's appallingly selfish.

I agree with @Bryonny84 , dump him, he's an arse.

Yeah ltb sorry

Not for the adhd but for the lack of effort and appreciation of you

Very similar to your sister by the sounds of it !! Yesterday I had a really bad headache, he’s still not asked if I am ok? I know it’s sounds trivial but when its something every day it’s builds up. Then because he “forgets” or “dismisses” whatever you want to call it my feelings..
the days roll into weeks and before you know it I am cross and upset over 190191819 things and he is humming away to himself not a care in the world.

It was such a relief when I left my husband who did this. I ended up feeling like I wanted to tape our conversations because he would say something, then I'd say "You just said...." and he would say "No, I didn't say that". It made me feel like I was losing my mind. It's deliberate, by the way.