Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

Two members of my family have adhd. Neither of them behave like that. I’m sorry OP it sounds like there is a lot more going on than adhd. ADHD meds might help with some of what you’ve described but it’s not going to make him not be a dick to other people. My partner’s adhd was an issue when our kids were little because there is so much executive function involved with small kids (planning, packing bags, organising). The difference is he recognised his weaknesses and took on other tasks he was better at.

There seems to be a lot of over diagnosing and over generalising going on in this thread. Many of the behaviours posters are calling classic adhd are not at all so. In fact many people with ADHD struggle with oversensitivity to other people’s judgment and can be quiet and withdrawn. Hyper focus on an area of interest is common but doesn’t necessarily lead to dominating conversations and talking incessantly. That’s more an ASD characteristic or possibly just someone who hasn’t been taught proper social skills. Prevalence in families is not evidence - bad manners and social skills are often spread through families.

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/8605947-the-adhd-effect-on-marriage

Are you saying people with ADHD can effectively pretend they don't have ADHD - but only for three year periods?

No that is absolutely not what I am saying. They aren't pretending anything. They are just fixed on their current focus, which is their shiny new thing - you. See the book I linked above. Highly recommended. It finally got through to my DH.

Is he actually diagnosed as ADHD?

Because unfortunately if he is not, regardless of going the GP the waiting list is years long for tests at the moment before they will even medicate him.

He won't just be able to show up with no official records of it and be able to get medicated.

ADHD here.

The traits are all recognisably ADHD driven. The failure to bother to do anything to stop them so that you don't adversely affect the lives of people around you more than you have to is not.

It's possible to be a decent human being and father with ADHD. This man isn't bothering.

I think he needs an ultimatum.

This sounds more like autism to me than ADHD. Possibly AuDHD. But I am not a specialist, and to be honest - it doesn't matter. Can you live with someone like that, can you see a future? If he does not want to change his behaviours and does not see why he would need to, then he won't. Better to split amicably while the children are young.

I think deciding whether to take medication for ADHD is a very individual decision, there are lots of factors involved. I don't think anyone should take medication because someone else wants you to. It's like men saying they want their wives to take HRT because they're cross and short tempered- it's not up to them, it's a woman's decision.

It also won't 'fix' him in the way that you're thinking. ADHD is a part of him and shapes the way his brain works. Drugs can help with inattentiveness and concentration, but it's not going to alter his personality. It might improve his concentration and impulsiveness for the duration of the mechanism of action - but then it will wear off.

ADHD drugs work like paracetamol- they work for the duration of action, then they wear off. They're not a personality overhaul and they don't work all the time, they're stimulant medication and it needs to wear off before bedtime or he wouldn't be able to sleep, for example. Lots of people don't take them every day.

It sounds like you found some aspects of the ADHD fun in the beginning - spontaneous impulsively can be fun. But I think if you're thinking he should 'fix himself' with drugs in order for you to be happy being married to him, then you shouldn't be married to him because the drugs won't work for that.

Not everyone with ADHD behaves in the way you husband does, lots of mothers have ADHD and have no choice but to implement systems to keep things on track. But your husband does behave that way and popping a pill won't fix it.

I think it's a case of look at what's in front of you and decide if you like it as it is and want to keep it, not work out how you can get rid of the bits you don't like.

I also think it's actually a mammoth task for someone with ADHD to suppress certain parts of themselves and associated behaviours. Its up to the person who has them to decide if that's something they want to do or not. So your husband might be happier not doing that and not married to you.

You can't make decisions like whether to medicate or change himself for him, you can only decide what to do about the situation that's in front of you.

You have to take him how he is right now. Forget a possible diagnosis and meds. That’s a possible future. Get your head to right now this very second.

Right now, do you want to be with the man he is? Sounds like that’s a no. Are you practically able to leave? If not what steps do you need to take to be able to leave (eg, job, childcare etc.)

forget the ADHD. Honestly forget it. Think about you and your kids!

Umm maybe you should think of your children and not leave them with a man who neglects them. They're babies and can't advocate for themselves, you need to be there every day to care for them if he won't, even if that means sleeping in a tent on his lawn.

I'm in the same boat @mumofb2 except I've been here longer! I wish I could say it gets better but it hasn't for me.

Wow how awful.Ive been diagnosed ADHD with autistic traits at 58.
I always had hideous anxiety with the children growing up so life was difficult.
I must say his interrupting going off on tangents and difficulty with overwhelm are part of the symptoms.
The way I deal with it and I've always worked brought up 2 kids and kept a clean organized home is by having a routine.
Every day.
This would probably help him.Not everyone wants to be medicated.
He sounds like he has autistic traits too.
I feel for you both.You maybe able to get counselling from someone who specializes in neurodiversity.

The problem here is not that he has ADHD. Cruelty is not a symptom of ADHD. The ADHD is incidental.

I agree that you should not be leaving your 3 and 5 year old with him to be neglected. Do something about it, this is what social services is for.

ADHD is something which he can learn to manage. It doesn’t explain or excuse being rude and selfish - those are just him not his ADHD. Tell him he improves, works on himself or leaves. This will only get worse OP.

It doesn't matter what causes it. Hes failed as a father and husband and is now failing to address it. Question is, what are you going to do next?

Remember you can't change anyone else's behaviour, only your own.

My DH has ADHD (hyperactive type). When not on medication he also has a tendency to interrupt/speak over others/start arguments. It’s completely exhausting. When he’s taking his medication it’s great. He’s been on it for two or three years with no problems apart from once not getting his prescription renewed on time. It was obvious from his behaviour that he wasn’t taking his medication and I had to tell him I didn’t want to be married to that version of him.

It’s very easy to criticise OP and ask why she didn’t notice these things before they had kids and I suppose you could ask the same of me. I think DH’s ADHD is exacerbated by stress/tiredness and pre-kids we didn’t have much of this. Big stressful life events like a bereavement and the pandemic definitely made the ADHD unmanageable through routine alone.

Please can you share how they are as a family when all together? I am convinced dh may have adhd and his mum and dad (and dh) are so chaotic when all together. There are too many pointless discussion on how to do what when. Everyone talking over each other or all trying to unbuckle the baby at once, meddling barging in. Dh is also stressed at work so he always interrupts me or talks AT me - key thing is he doesn't ever really connect to the here and now as so preoccupied with himself. He doesn't answer questions in a straightforward manner as he interprets it IN HIS OWN WAY and all communication with him has become so tiresome. aaahhhhhhhhh FML.

My DH has ADHD not formally recognised because he's 75 now. Because a grandchild has been diagnosed it's talked about now in the family, symptoms, strategies.

DH has become very angry about this is now denying his grandchild has it. It's the parents fault etc. staring ADHD in the face is causing an awkwardness because he's looking at himself.

Ironically they are very close DH feels protective towards him. He enjoys being with us because I've learnt strategies to cope so keep everything calm. The two of them enjoy being hyperactive together as well.

My DIL said recently that I was very placid. Well I've had to be for half a century. DH creates enough drama for both of us

I have autism/ADHD, and I also won't take the medication. I tried it briefly and hated it, it made my brain feel 'slow' and affected my work.

But, if my condition was negatively affecting those around me, esecially the children and DH, I would start taking it again in a heartbeat. Luckily high functioning autism and adhd appear to have run through both sides of our families for generations! So we have a routine at home that keeps everyone functional and works for us, and everyone is happy.

Your problem is not an ADHD problem, it is a selfish husband one.

So he has been diagnosed with adhd?

Yes diagnosed. He is in his late 40s now. He was medicated when he was a lot younger (20s I think)

Interesting and encouraging post. What does communication look like in your household? healthy and effective or avoidant, distracting, defensive off on tangents? How do yo manage it so well?

This, in spades. I have ADHD and I’m not an arsehole. Nor do I use it as an excuse to check out of family life, like it sounds like your DH is, OP.

A lot of people (including me when first diagnosed) think meds will make everything better, but they aren’t a cure all. But what they do is give your brain a helping hand so that you can establish healthier habits and ways of coping. It’s a constant, daily battle to keep on top of life. Some days you win, some days you drown, but the point is, if he’s not even willing to try, then what??

You will end up frustrated and resentful. Apart from him not pulling his weight, it sounds like your emotional needs aren’t being met either? You deserve a partner, not an entity that lives in your house and makes your life harder.

You say your husband has been diagnosed.

I'd be very concerned about any medication that might (would probably), be prescribed for him but he does need to learn to manage his adhd.

You must impress upon your husband that his behaviour is far too much for you to cope with. If others to whom he and you are close could reinforce this, it would help. No doubt he feels he is OK and everyone else is out of sync, his 'normal' is different to yours. As you put it, he is away with the "fairy's" (fairies), and often in denial.

There are books and youtube videos which might be able to help. You could read and watch together.

Is your husband reasonably intelligent, does he have a decent job?

I do sympathise and empathise, mumofb2, have some experience.