Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

@HopeWithNotes- it was my mum’s decline & death last year which triggered all the difficulties with my sister.

Prior to that she was just difficult- would not come over & see my dad when he was really going downhill with dementia.

But when mum became ill, she was just awful - did the absolute minimum, if asked & made herself out to be the “bullied victim” by me & my sibling - despite being the one sending these awful, aggressive, reactive messages. “Too tired” to help plan the funeral.

There are so many individual instances to go into, each one in itself a dealbreaker.

I have low contact with her, just because we are a very small family (now just the 3 siblings left) & it is the only way of having some kind of relationship with my nephew.

If she was a friend, she would have been truly dumped!

Says someone who probably has never been on the receiving end of that sort of 'forgetfulness' and inability to remember things more objectively.

ADHD does not make people abusive.

That is on the person. Their personality and selfishness.

Not once have I ever abused anyone or been nasty. If anything, I was the bullied.

Please separate the condition from the person. It's often like what people think bipolar is on here. Often untrue and harmful narratives.

That's just someone who cba to take measures to remember things.

A phone calendar with multiple reminders stops all this. Texts to yourself instead of lists.

Same as my husband. He always used to say "It's not my fault, i can't help it" ect but i told him it's not your fault but it is your responsibility to manage and when your decision to not use medication impacts on mine and the childrens lives do not be surprised when I leave.
He was a nightmare. It took me completely blowing my lid one Christmas eve with him after he took four hours to pick up 5 items from Asda that is a 7min drive away because he was too engrossed in looking at lego sets in Smyths....we didn't need anything from Smyths.
I told him if he didn't go on medication, i'd be leaving. He's been on it since the end of 2023 and he is a different person.

You see that blows my mind.

I don't know if it's due to female conditioning but there is no way I'd piss about staring at something else for hours when I needed things on Christmas eve and I don't even have kids. I just wouldn't do it.

I'm starting to think it's more males like this.

I have ADHD, unmedicated at the moment as I’m waiting to start. I interrupt people, I hate that I do it and I try hard not to but sometimes I can’t stop myself. I also respond to people telling me about themselves by sharing a similar thing about myself. It’s a common ADHD thing. Again I exhaust huge amounts of energy trying not to. It’s very very hard to control.

We saw friends yesterday and I was interrupting and DP pulled me up in it. Then commented I went very quiet. It’s one or the other for me! Mostly I just end feeling like an awful twat for doing it. I wil spend next week playing over in my head feeling like a failure for it.

That said I’m a single/co parent to two dc, so I do manage that (I don’t live with DP). I have found the wheels have come off with perimenopause, but manage with managing dc. I didn’t manage very well when they were little. Now I do a lot of exercise to try and burn off my energy!

Medication isn’t always the answer (high blood pressure might mean he can’t take the most effective kind?) and it can come with side effects. I have a friend who stopped medication due to side effects. But I work very hard to manage it myself where I can.

Phone reminders don’t work for me. Unless I do it the very moment it buzzes. Which isn’t always possible. If you don’t have ADHD it’s easy to dismiss it as simple remembering.

Believe my life would be so much easier if I could solve it with way hacks. I’ve tried lots of methods. It’s not always just about remembering either, it’s not being distracted, it’s having the ‘energy’ to do a task. Which sounds so easy if you are neurotypical. It’s like me wanting my autistic dd to just ignore the loud noises. She physically can’t.

DH just admits he's forgetful now a perk of old age he'll admit.

I have late diagnosed ADHD, I was 44. It became very obvious when I had children as managing two other people really highlighted all the things I struggle with. But because I’m mum, I got the medication and got on with it. I wouldn’t function or parent without the medication, so I take it. If he won’t do that then he’s selfish and useless, sorry.

Was he always like that or is it recent?

I am halfway through reading all of the posts and replies and I've got to say, this couldn't have come at a better time. My husband is the same as yours and I am 31 years in. I am on the verge of leaving him. I've been thinking/talking about it for around 11 years - I have only just realised it's been this long. We don't have children, fortunately - I used to think (before we knew about the ADHD) that kids would cement our lives, but now I'm so glad that wasn't possible. Due to my own insecurities I have let myself be treated poorly, and in return I treat him poorly. It is not good. We have just had a week of turmoil, brought about as usual by his epic selfishness and my response to this (epic drunkeness). I don't want to live like this any more. I don't want to be that person. I have reached a period where I am very clear that I am going to give an ultimatum - he sorts it out properly and gets meds or finds SOME way to manage his symptoms, we get counselling (he won't) or we have a trial separation. At this stage of the game though, I don't even think I want to give him an ultimatum, I just want my life back.

Every time in the past that I have suggested we separate he says nope, it's all or nothing, he won't do it as a trial - thus putting the "blame" for want of a better word for the marriage breakdown solely on me, and so I have backed down. I am 56 and terrified that my life will just be this - I've already lived half my life like it, out of fear, low self-esteem and lack of funds. I now have no fear, apart from the fear of doing sod all with my life, my self-esteem is improving, and I am better equipped financially.

Our marriage was also a whirlwind, met on holiday, married within 5 months. None of my dreams since have come true. I am so sorry you are going through this, and of course it's so much more difficult with children but honestly, my husband lives his life on his own terms (plays tennis/padel ALL the time, lives at his tennis club really), and thinks I'm the one with the problem, and that's what he wants to do. He actually said that the other day, it's what he wants to do. He's going to carry on doing it, and I don't want that. He used to tell me to "get a hobby", when we were supposed to be looking into adoption. I would be very surprised if your husband changed because ultimately, it's not the ADHD that makes him like this, it's just who he is. I have finally realised that about my husband, and well, he know what he wants, and it's not anything remotely close to what I want. He is never going to put me or "us" first. I finally have some clarity.

I have no advice for you as your situation is different to mine, given the children, but please don't be like me and let it go on for the best part of thirty one years. Think of yourself and the children, he is not going to. Sending hugs xx

You forgot the rejection sensitivity...flying off the handle if they think you've ignored them for a moment or you don't love them enough.

All neurotypes have their drawbacks (I'm autistic, and I certainly don't think neurotypicals are perfect either!) But in order to grow you have to get to know yourself- your strengths and weaknesses, and the impact of your behaviour on other people.

As a generalisation, ND men can be more difficult than women because they are not socialised to do the work on themselves- men in this society are told they're just fine as they are.

(Meanwhile, ND women are jumping through hoops, bending over backwards and masking themselves to the point of total burnout. But hey, at least we're easier to be around 😬)

I don’t think it’s gaslighting to say that did not happen if it in fact did not happen. It’s not the same as actual gaslighting where someone tries to make out that something did happen to deliberately confuse a person.

I am certain my dh is adhd and he will say he said something that he categorically did not say. I am not deaf nor am I so checked out of a conversation that I don’t know what’s being said, so I know he did not say it.

What I actually think is happening is that he says it in his head and because he thinks it he then thinks he’s said it out loud or that he has a ‘memory’ of saying it because it was in his head.

The (grown up) children have also said no you did not say that so it’s not just me imagining things.
Sometimes I can, and do, accept I may just not have heard and other times he has to, and does, accept he did not say it.

There is a lot of misinformation on here, likely from people who ‘think’ they know what ADHD is.

Just to correct a few things (as someone with ADHD myself and as a researcher of the condition) …. ADHD can indeed contribute to selfishness and in some cases, being abusive. That isn’t an excuse for the behaviour, but it is a factor.

Those with ADHD often struggle to regulate emotions, and are HIGHLY sensitive to criticism. Mood swings are common (low dopamine) and impulsive behaviour means we do it without thinking of the other person! This is just a tiny snippet, but please ignore those who are like ‘ADHD doesn’t make you …’ without doing the research.

In terms of medication, it can be helpful or even life changing … But it doesn’t cure or remove ADHD. It works mostly by being able to increase focus and motivation - but, that can still mean you’re focusing and motivated towards the wrong things! (I once spent 5 hours ignoring all responsibilities looking for just the right phone case whilst medicated, pure hyperfocus mode)

Other options are to look into things like ADHD coaching, or therapy to support with some of the key symptoms.

This is exactly what happens in our home too.

It's similar to what you describe. I know all families can get a bit loud and excited when they're together and there can be various squabbles and disagreements, but there are things I have noticed over the many many years I've known them. They don't listen properly to each other. Ever. I have never met a group of people who, despite all being very intelligent, get the wrong end of the stick about things because they aren't listening or concentrating. There are so many misunderstandings, accusations and denials. The smallest thing turns into an argument and they will fight to the death! They constantly interrupt one another - again, I know this happens in lots of people's conversations, but this is on another level. And they all become mortally wounded, when they are they one who is interrupted. Honestly, you can feel all the big, volatile emotions in the room. DP's brother, who is diagnosed, is the one who is most noticeably hyperactive and he paces up and down while he's talking and is very loud and forceful. I would say he is the one who is most successful at getting everyone else to listen. They all really resent him for it and complain a lot about how much he dominates conversations, even though they all do that. It's fairly obvious they all inherited it from their dad, although I wouldn't be surprised if their mum has ADHD too. There are various younger members of the extended family who have been diagnosed, as well as our eldest son. I recognise what you are saying about not answering a question in a straightforward way. DP is like this. I think he processes a lot of what is going on in his brain by saying it out loud, so I tend to get a lot of irrelevant data from him as he builds up to the tiny nugget of information I asked for. So I'll ask 'What do you fancy for dinner?' and his reply will be 'Hmm, what did I have last night? Oh I had something tomato based, didn't I? And I had rice the night before. I had Quorn in my sandwich earlier, so not anything that involves fake meat ...' And on and on. Sometimes I get an answer at the end, sometimes ... nothing😅

This! You’re not needy at all but simply want (& deserve!) an equal, loving partner. Personally I’d get rid as I want a husband, not another child & if it’s a condition he has, then he won’t change, especially if he’s not willing to try (& arguably why should he, he’s happy as he is, but doesn’t mean you have to accept that!)

That is NOT his ADHD that is his character and personality. He is a twat, who also has adhd.

I really can't help the interrupting. I know I do it but it's like I can't work out when it's appropriate to speak. I always apologise once I realise I've done it again and often stop midflow to let the other person carry on with what they are saying.
There is no reason why he can't apologise every time he does it rather than get defensive.
And all the other stuff reads like a combination of not being bothered to use coping techniques, and being a selfish git. It is easier to let you pick up the slack than to make himself uncomfortable. You are not his priority.

This 👏 gaslighting is abuse not related to adhd

The "I never did that' thing can be an internal defense mechanism, to save him from acknowledging and feeling he has done something wrong. Obviously its not an excuse, its an explatation. Its not a very mature reaction, along with many other traits of ADHD.

This was entirely my experience too. (He was also reluctant for me to explore ongoing issues with DC3 re focus and education - I pursued it anyway and now they are doing amazingly at school …with medication, after an ADD diagnosis.) My ex DP still proves something of a burden unfortunately, as I don’t want my DC to suffer due to his unending incompetence, but at least I don’t have to live with him. As Leta says - it was like shedding a burden.

Thanks for typing that out. Its very well explained.

Do you agree with G. Mate's view on ADHD?

This. @category12 is spot on.
My husband has to take medication for his health. He has had periods where he doesn’t take it and it impacts the whole family. He gets the ultimatum from me every time… manage your health or I’m going.

He’s an adult and he needs to accept that he has a condition that impacts the family and it’s on him to manage it.

I’m on cancer treatment. I also can’t help that…but I have the same responsibility for my young children and my husband to do as much as I can to stay around for as long as I can.

He’s making a choice. He needs to know you can make one to leave as well.