Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

Love is blind but reality always sets in. It is time for very harsh words. As he won't listen write a letter to him telling him he has 24 hours to call the doctors to make an appointment to ask for all the medication he needs or he has to move out.Also let him know you will be going with him to ensure he tells the whole story. Make him aware that if he doesn't then take his medication daily you will be divorcing him.
Divorce might sound harsh but it is the only answer if he won't do what obviously needs to be done.

It could be as little as “I never told your mum I was taking her the shops today” and I’ll have to say no you did, I was stood right there and my mum is waiting to be collected at 3 o’clock.. like you agreed. But he will look confused and baffled.

mostly though i do think it is a defence mechanism you are right

You are right I think reality has well and truly kicked in.

another person shared earlier that at first they hyper fixate at the beginning.. and he has actually said that to me. now I think his new interest is the dog and sport, two of the things he wasn’t Interested in at the beginning.

He may have combined autism and adhd.

A good friend of mine has ADHD and we interrupt each other constantly. It actually works really well because we “get” how our brains work.

With other people I work really hard to mask who I really am (because it’s obviously v annoying to be constantly interrupted), and it’s exhausting.

Partly! I could probably write a whole essay on this, but I’ll try to keep it brief 😂 … Where I don’t agree, is that we know from so much research and studies that it is primarily a neurodevelopmental condition/disorder, and it is highly hereditary (which, is likely one of the reasons why many ADHD children do experience some forms of emotional neglect, as the parent is often ADHD also) - it isn’t just a coping mechanism or response to trauma.

Where I partly agree, is that it does correlate with trauma, and trauma does have an impact on development and therefore ADHD. Equally, because of how ADHD impacts behaviour, children with ADHD are more likely to find themselves in trauma inducing situations in the first place. Environmental factors will always have some influence on symptoms and severity.

It is also likely that because trauma based conditions like CPTSD have so many overlapping symptoms with ADHD, there likely are some individuals misdiagnosed with ADHD, when actually, they might have a condition which is an outcome of trauma.

Based on that, those with ADHD do benefit from therapy and trauma work, because in its simplest form, there is always some level of trauma from living with ADHD and its effects in the first place (as is true with any lifelong condition). That absolutely can help an individual …. But it doesn’t change their brain, and ADHD isn’t something that can be cured/healed.

I think part of that might be a personality thing. I’ve come to learn that with ADHD, menopause and other stress factors atm, my memory just doesn’t work. So if someone tells me I said or did something that I don’t recall, they’re probably right. He doesn’t seem to accept that.

Mmm, thats interesting. If I were you I would be interested to know if he truly believes he didnt say that, if he forgot he said that , if he forgot its today at 3, or he just doesnt want to do it so badly he is putting a show on.
The thing with these people is that they dont want to engage in such soulsearching /fot the lack of introspection, let alone share it with others.

Not gonna lie @mumofb2 I would be getting my ducks in a row right now. I couldn't live like this, and I wouldn't live like this.

My ExH had ADHD, diagnosed. He was very nasty at times. I’d never date or marry a man with ADHD again.

Christ. Nastiness isn’t a trait of ADHD.

Well it was in him

Me? Nope. Diagnosed OCD, ODD and ADHD between the ages of 7 - 10.

Interesting. DS1 does this a lot. He will literally claim black is white if put on the spot.

I'm autistic, and so probably is DS2 (if he ever gets his assessment 🙄)

DS1 is - in theory- NT, but I have my doubts sometimes. Very oppositional and reactive, thrillseeker, loves to talk at me over the TV...🤔 He's pretty decent at getting himself organised though.

My DH is like that too, except that he really tries to override it and be helpful, he just doesn't quite know what to do, quite often it'll just be a hug, but I know he doesn't really understand my feelings or thoughts about whatever is upsetting me and doesn't know what's expected of him, but he does genuinely try.

But what is that called and what is it a symptom of?

He only wants to discuss practical things always, doesn't really acknowledge negative emotions of his own and oversimplifies things to a black and white solutions based - just do this then.

He can sometimes talk at length about a particular (usually car, traffic, driving, political) topic, but of you ask him about his personal thoughts feelings etc he has nothing to say.

I think he'd be really happy if there was some guide published as to the correct action to take in any and every social or emotional situation because he wants to do the right thing, but doesn't quite understand the depth of human feelings, where they come from or how they affect people.

He's completely logical, but to the tune of his own special logic which doesn't quite fit with everyone elses and is very absolute and all or nothing. Black and white simplistic thinking. Often skips verbal communication and uses actions (for example if you say have we any milk left he'd put the carton in front of you instead of saying yes)

I'm making him sound awful but he's actually lovely ! Has lots of great traits too.

But what the hell is that ?! I'd love to know !

I think he processes a lot of what is going on in his brain by saying it out loud, so I tend to get a lot of irrelevant data from him as he builds up to the tiny nugget of information I asked for.
Yes! Thank you SO much for mentioning this and for your whole post. 🙏

Has anyone read this book, if yes, is it any good? https://www.amazon.co.uk/ADHD-Hunter-Farmers-Thom-Hartmann/dp/162055898X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ZRD045Z8k7OhqHOlOoEH6c1N5aiQkXKiMirLfG4rTppDnfrxZO3fdz0P7mbJJtA2Y11EEnFQe5wRABMQGLPvFKNc702rRHbgFFV4EAzmGtoj3UOm7pW1cuyzD04UTGuYxKF5aPKb8_TphfHFzIebJcWKEViIEeq-HTFUXjZ-JPeqNvd5onIQ3LoyYrhjXRP7LIBH01ZMk7vRnJ5KfBH9zMdvd2DnLjrwYz4S-4SA58s.q6h68GH6TFA06bt0c9VWASdlEsc8O5-1STyW2YvpFvI&qid=1778401538&sr=8-1

While it isnt, it sometimes comes with it. You cant blame PP she doesnt want to get into a relationship that would remind her of her previous one. People avoid relationships with certain people for more trivial reasons.

I have a colleage who processess out loud. Up to every two minutes she comment on what going on in her brain or on her computer screen. It drove me ill. But she was never able to address it, threw a strop and moved to a different office. She is overall a pain to work with in other respects too.

Those with ADHD often struggle to regulate emotions, and are HIGHLY sensitive to criticism. Mood swings are common (low dopamine) and impulsive behaviour means we do it without thinking of the other person! This is just a tiny snippet, but please ignore those who are like ‘ADHD doesn’t make you …’ without doing the research.

This is helpful. If it's not insensitive to ask those who have experience with either themselves or family members diagnosed with ADHD, do some people with adhd not have RSD or have mode swings? Can it 'result' in being dissociated instead (as a means of coping)? tia

The bottom line @mumofb2 , despite all the many posts saying it's his ADHD and he can't help it, or that it's a selfish wanker thing, is whether YOU can live with this man as he is right now (because he won't change), for the next twenty to thirty years?

If no, then get out now.
If yes, then good luck and seek counselling to protect your mental health.

I think especially in women it can become internalised.

I think the occurrence of RSD in autism is currently underplayed- I definitely suffered from it in the past. Something like a friend cancelling a coffee date would cause a near- literal pain, like being stabbed. And then the spiralling would start- "Everybody hates me", etc. It would make me do things like cutting people off completely for the slightest misdemeanour.

For me, CBT helped immensely, and I rarely have that kind of visceral reaction any more.

I have had incidents with people with ADHD who haven't worked on their RSD, and it's been horrible. I went to a festival with a friend and left early because it was All Too Much. She reacted to this with literal screaming abuse- "You don't give a shit about me!"

I also had an ex who would fly into weird rages if he perceived himself to be ignored or overlooked. For example, an entire evening off arguing and shitty behaviour because when he'd turned up that afternoon I'd been lifting toddler DS out of the car so hadn't been able to immediately greet him with attention and a hug.

I don't think the emotional impacts of ADHD are talked about enough.

RSD is one of the most common symptoms of ADHD, it’s highly prevalent but it’s not exclusive to ADHD.

However, how someone presents RSD can differ for ADHD. Ultimately, it’s intense emotional pain, but this can be displayed outwardly or inwardly. It could be outbursts of rage, or inward shame and isolating yourself. The overlap is intense emotional flooding (which could cause dissociation).

Aside from RSD though, individuals with ADHD have been shown to have higher risk of dissociation. In ADHD it can be more likely because of things like hyper-focusing (ignoring the real world around you), poor memory, being sensitive to stress and overwhelm etc.

Also, I can’t speak for everyone, but I really don’t think it’s insensitive to ask questions and want to find out more. For me, what’s insensitive is people thinking they know everything about ADHD (without having lived experience/research) and making assumptions! So, thank you for wanting to know more!

It could also be burn out. Or he could be experiencing more demands at work and then at capacity when he gets home.

Either way he has to acknowledge that he has a problem and take responsibility for his own things.

My DH has ADHD and it became way worse after we had kids. It was a combination of a lot of things and I’m not going to derail this thread but it does happen.

This is probably the most realistic way to get something to change op and I say that as a woman diagnosed with both ASD & ADHD.
I must confess that if I knew my clinical depression and anxiety (diagnosed and medicated from 11yrs old ) was actually neurodiversity to this degree I would have probably made sure my life was as undemanding and simple as possible, maybe even no children. With every child my capacity to mask and function deteriorated and eventually led to burnout after burnout, of course I didn't have the leeway a father has to just not do things, I was still managing things for my children but at my expense and to my own detriment still.

If you do leave him, be prepared for him to not be a 50/50 parent, sometimes it works out easier that way though.