Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

@mumofb2I promise you, this will only get worse with age. ND adults recognising their issues and willing to do the work needed to address them is one thing and offers hope.
Refusal to do anything and making everyone else the problem does not offer hope for the future I'm afraid. You have some tough decisions to make.

I worded that badly. When you've had a bad experience all through school and then in the workplace don't really have friends because they didn't understand you. Your parents punished you for naughtiness, untidiness, bad school results.

It leaves it's mark.

You are right. It don’t know if I’ve said this earlier or about to say it and got side tracked with the kids…

but I feel I am constantly looking now for the negatives !! It’s like I’ve already gave up. I am not the one to hold grudges at all but I feel every single disagreement/dismissive brushed under carpet rather than “sorry for that earlier” or “I can see it from your point of view” it’s just silence then the days role into another week then months. I am the type of person to address it there and then more or less and move on . He’s a let’s not talk about it and it will disappear.

in the past I’ve went out for the day thinking that will give him time to reflect on himself .. I’ve came back and he’s painted the house singing away. Meanwhile I’ve had a miserable day planning my next exit route out of this. there’s no accountability.

I mentioned divorce last year and in April I made the application. He didn’t respond to it so now I have to pay another £60 to make a statement/screenshot to prove he received the divorce application. Has he mentioned it since? No. Has he made any changes? No. (Apart from filling out the family calendar to communicate better with work commitments etc)

I read someone on here once say that ND/NT partnerships are very difficult because there is no space for the neurotypical experience and I think this is so true and applicable here. It is completely normal and valid to find these things frustrating/upsetting to the point of damaging the relationship but very often the ND person can’t help it so there’s an expectation of tolerance. I also think that people with ADHD - I know several in my family and wider circle and have some professional experience do “gaslight” but not in the manipulative abusive way that word is usually used. They genuinely forget that they have said and done these things because their executive dysfunction makes forming memories of things they aren’t focussed on more difficult. It is also very common for them to be hypersensitive to even perceived slights or criticisms and lash out or become defensive at something you perceived as very mild. This is for a combination of the condition and very often a lifetime of being told off or told they are getting things wrong. It’s not an excuse just the reality of the condition. Some people with ADHD are also just not good people same as those without and working out the difference can be hard. I think you need to spell it out for him that he needs to try medication and if you have the resources (the NHS won’t provide this) some private psychological support (possibly a coaching approach) to develop his coping techniques because it is tearing your marriage apart. I would also put this in writing to him and much as it might pain you do it help him to organise it. It might save your marriage - if that is what you want to do. If he isn’t willing to do this with your support then I suspect he doesn’t want to and is using the ADHD as an excuse for just being a poor husband

The thing i feel there’s not a right time to talk anymore because in the past he’s said “you are only saying this because you are angry” or “you are trying to upset me before the weekend” or some other nonsense. Today I have said can we pencil time in on Wednesday to talk.

he is VERY sensitive and defensive. You are right, when I think of it all his childhood he was “kicked out” for bad behaviour etc etc. he has had a life time of it I suppose

Yes, totally with you there.

Please don't think I am being mean to you. I am just giving this my view.

A maid, housekeeper, landscaper or a child can fold clothes, empty the dishwasher and mow the lawn. They cannot, however, be there for you as a partner can, for support, comfort, peace.

You need to decide, finally, if this is the life you wish to live for the next 30-40 years because every year that goes by makes it harder to make the break.

If it is not what you want, you will have to change it because he doesn't care enough about anyone but himself to even want to change. He just keeps on with the excuses.

I truly hope you do whatever you need to do to be happy, content and cared for, as life is short.

Why did you not continue with the divorce process last year?

Cognitive behavioural therapy encourages you to identify your feelings and "hot thoughts" and analyse them objectively- "She didn't wave at me when I saw her in the street! It must mean she hates me! Alternatively....maybe she just didn't see me?" That kind of thing- you literally do "homework".

It really helps you feel in control of your feelings, rather than at the mercy of them.

You just need to leave him - no more to add
life is too damn short

Op, one thing that I always wonder is why I thought I needed exH’s agreement to divorce him (too many American films or perhaps the idea of carrying ghdd ex “perceived” stigma of being the one who ended the marriage). That's the beauty of this country, nobody is can be legally forced to stay married against their will.

Stop trying, you already know you want out. Just calmly start putting your ducks in a row and jump when you are ready and the time is right for you and your kids. Starting working in your exit rather than continue trying saving the marriage will make you feel more in control, you will have a purpose to fight for rather than keeping hurting yourself hitting your head against a wall of bricks.

Apologies, I wasn’t saying abuse was part of the condition. I was talking about behaviour that’s been really hurtful over the years and difficult to deal with. My son has adhd as well and he’s very empathetic so I don’t correlate my sister’s behaviour with the condition.

I mentioned divorce last year and in April I made the application. He didn’t respond to it so now I have to pay another £60 to make a statement/screenshot to prove he received the divorce application. Has he mentioned it since? No. Has he made any changes? No. (Apart from filling out the family calendar to communicate better with work commitments etc)

Stop looking at him to change. He won't. He is very happy with his life because he can do want he wants, when he wants, with no responsibility. So change what can be changed - which is your response. Get that divorce moving, or stop moaning and accept this is your life for the next thirty years. You have agency in this matter, exercise it! Yes it will cost money but that is far better than it costing your mental or physical health. Excessive stress can cause ill health and you could end up disabled ... and then what, would he care for you or the children? Hell no, get out now.

This is not ADHD, this is emotional immaturity and self-centredness. If he can’t keep still, he could offer to go out for a walk and talk so you can connect about whatever’s going on for you.

I wholeheartedly agree with you

Aren’t ND people well known for getting on best with animals?

I also 100% agree. I have a younger male relative living with me- has ADHD and refuses meds. Hes trying hard on his daily routines, self care, cleaning his room, doing washing... hes trying to learn as a late teen so hes a good partner one day. Sadly your husband does not want to improve or try to better himself even if its hard. Hes lazy and entitled.

Thanks. I guess I have heard other explanations and experiences of CBT.
Anyway I dont get how this helps with (not) feeling the feelings. I personally dont need therapy to find cognitive reasons for whatever is happening (including why I have certain reactions or feelings) but knowing has no effect on how I feel.
Glad it worked for you.

I do have ADHD and I'm not neurotypical. Which is why I use multiple phone reminders. Not just one but like 4 lol!

I also put tasks and reminders in for when I will most likely do it. If I can't do it then because of something else, I put it in again with another set of reminders for when I'm free.

If I don't do this then my life goes to shit it really does. I have to put the effort in though. It doesn't come naturally to me so I do these things to make my life more manageable.

Another example, leaving items you need to take with you near your shoes. I never leave the house without shoes so that reminds me. I text myself then forgot I've text myself but not opening it keeps reminding me.

Any food I need to take out of the fridge, I leave something like my bread on the cupboard in the hall way to remind me of the fridge stuff.

It is possible to do these things, you have to be consistent with it. Otherwise nothing in my life would ever get done and I was tired of the stress.

With someone who also has ADHD, I am inclined to disagree with you.

You don't speak for us all. And I do not agree that it attributes towards being abusive. If in actual fact, by statistics, we are more likely to end up in an abusive relationship with another.

Harmful stereotypes do not nothing to help us, they just hinder. And I do not know who you are, you could be anyone saying you do research. It also does not make you an expert. Like it doesn't make me an expert.

But what I do know that is I am not abusive, never have been and never will. I do not believe that ADHD makes you abusive.

Personality and upbringing contributes to these factors.

I do agree however on the other part about how therapy, coaching and the like can help. I am not medicated but I use a lot of practical methods. The one thing I need to crack is the chores but I am getting better. Doing work on yourself is imperative.

I really appreciate that honestly thank you for that.

It's just so unkind reading things on here that people actually only have an opinion on and it isn't factual. But then other's read it and may believe it. 🥺

On here I've read apparently we now aren't emotionally supportive... I actually find it's my male neurotypical partner who will not discuss anything, buries his head, never resolves anything and has the emotional capacity of a newt at times... I think it's more likely to do with male conditioning.

I agree with this. I have ADHD and recognise that it's my responsibility to manage my behaviour and habits in a way that's conducive to my relationship, job etc, or accept that I will lose those things.

This 👏👏👏 but say it louder !!!!!!1

Dump him.

This is the danger of ADHD/autism craze. I bet his parents told him he had ADHD and this was backed by 'doctors' and now everyone just lets him act like a completely inane primate and he cops out of everything because of ADHD.

Just like he was taught to do by his parents, school, society and the medical field.

I am so tired of every individual being autistic or ADHD and me getting yelled at for not having 'understanding' or 'compassion'.

I understand, very well, that we're all being gaslit into having zero accountability for our actions, feelings and behaviours because all of us are autistic or ADHD and require medication.

The amount of posts I see, "I can't talk to people," or give eye contact, or someone raised their voice to me and now I'm trembling, or someone else did something entirely appropriate but I'm "terrified, confused, crying, shaking AND ADHD/autistic," because no one bothers to teach manners, accountability or how to engage in society once you have that label slapped on you! There are implications to overdiagnosis, misdiagnosis and so forth.

It's annoying, OP. He doesn't have a medical condition that makes him act like this. He has enablers and a lifetime of no accountability due to his 'condition'. Medicine will not fix any of this.