Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

Chilled Prosecco, I’ve just ended a relationship with my sister who behaves exactly like this. I’m constantly walking on egg shells because she’s so volatile. She’s fallen out with half of our family and is so bitter towards me because I haven’t blindly followed suit. She still lives with my mum who makes excuses for her and enables her lack of responsibility. When I look back at our teenage years I actually feel traumatised by her abusive behaviour. I worry excessively about what will happen when my mum passes and I feel selfish and an awful person because I would not want her to live with me and the kids. She’s constantly moving jobs because she can’t handle conflict. I know she struggles. She is dyslexic too but I just can not cope with her any longer.
I understand that ADHD is a disability but it shouldn’t be used as an excuse to treat people horribly.

The household functions in the sence of practical things, shopping washing cleaning.. it’s the emotional side of things. He would fold away clothes in a heartbeat, empty the dishwasher without asking.. but not recognise I’ve had a stressful day and sit with me with a cup of tea. He says he can’t keep still so I am left with my own thoughts.

I am not a needy person but i probably sound needy on this post! I suppose what I am trying to say is when bad news arrives, bereavements, new baby, work stresses, external stresses, healing from birth (things life can bring) he’s not there to lift me up. He not there for me to lean on. I will be distressed and he’s faffing with cutting the grass

I think if you still want to try to sort it out, you need to have that talk.

Go out for a walk together, or in the car alone, or a cafe for a coffee or something, and say something to the tune of "I'm unhappy, I'm really struggling with this, I feel resentful, exhausted and burnt out. I need you to address your unmanaged ADHD and engage with proper strategies for it & medication. If you won't, I don't see our marriage surviving".

Cross-posted.

You don't sound needy. What you want emotionally is perfectly normal and valid.

Not sure he can meet you there, tho.

He'll not be there for you emotionally because he can't or won't. I've often wondered. My DH has a limited amount of empathy for others this does worsen with age which is a normal process.

It just feels natural really, we all have some form of ND. DH and DD have autism, DS and I have autism/ADHD. We were the first in the families to be diagnosed on the NHS (DD's consultant gently 'suggested' we both speak to the GP about a possible diagnosis for us too) but looking at older relatives it is pretty clear it has passed down the bloodline!

I think it helps that we are interested in each others 'special interests'. I could listen to any of them talk for hours when they get so excited and animated on a subject. It feels like connecting for us.

I'd be lying if I said we had deliberately set up a communication system, it has been passed down in a way in the family too. I learnt from a young age to wait for my turn in conversation, to focus on what the person is saying instead of worrying about how to look normal/react normal, and to hold up a hand if someone has interrupted me to remind them to wait and focus too.

When DH and I first met he started mimicking it, he said it made conversation more enjoyable and less stressful. The dc just saw and copied too I guess.

Edited to add: I would have no idea what this would look like to someone on the outside with no ND. We have plenty of guests that seem to like being here, but perhaps they do secretly find it a bit chaotic?

Something I've picked up on in this thread is the love for pets especially dogs and cats. That's interesting to ponder on.

I agree with absolutely everything on this thread and no question the guy is a disinterested arse.

But on the gaslighting (which I agree is abusive normally), what I will say is this may not be. I have a husband with ADHD who is genuinely the best husband and father imaginable, I couldn’t say a bad word about him. But the gaslighting….oh my god it had me round the bend. Nothing major but exactly as described - saying something then denying it was ever said. He would deny and deny to the point I felt like I was losing my mind. I started to record things and play them back in the end and I could tell by his reaction that he genuinely didn’t remember.

I have raised 2 children with ADHD too and I can tell you for sure - they remember things in a very different way to reality. The way they felt about something takes root in their memory and that becomes the reality, so to them they’re not lying, they’re telling the truth. The children are like night and day in terms of natures and behaviours but both do this.

It is definitely an ADHD thing.

With my husband, once he realised and accepted it was happening, the only compromise/solution we could find is that when it happens, he just accepts it when I say no, what happened (or what was said) was X, and if he persists I say no, this is your memory
and you’re starting to gaslight me again. It works for us because we have a really healthy and trusting relationship but equally it could be really unhealthy and open to abuse if we didn’t (because I could tell him things happened that didn’t!).

Living with ADHD is hard. Living with a partner with ADHD is hard. Living with kids with ADHD is hard. But as everyone has said, ADHD doesn’t make you horrible, rude, disinterested etc. Being an arsehole does though…

OP just get out, you’ll feel so relieved afterwards.

we have a lot of adhd in our family including me. Yes he has adhd traits but how he is interacting with you is his personality. Is he quite literal? It could be he also has autism. Regardless if it’s not working for you than it’s not working for you.

Eh? So he takes your word as say so because hes otherwise gaslighting you?

Ironic. What an awful thing.

I've bought a book on ADHD because of my grandchild, I wanted to understand better. It's hard going and I ought to make notes. For me it does explain the Duracell bunny aspect of my DH as well.

OP, why are you pushing for your DH to take ADHD meds when over on another thread, you admit to being anti vaccines. Why do you get to make that decision but your DH doesnt get to make a decision about managing his own health? I dont agree with either of you but you both seem as bad as each other to me.

When we first met it was a bit of a whirlwind.. looking back now that was probably his adhd.. everything was spontaneous fun and exciting. Now we are in mum and dad mode I want calmness and focus on kids needs.

But didn't the first kid reveal something to you? Had the whirlwind not calmed down by then?

Or did it only magically happen after the second kid?

You are looking to medication to 'fix' him. You are offering ultimatums - take drugs or divorce. You are asking him to take drugs under duress. He cant consent freely because of this. This isn't any more ok than any of his behaviour.

The reality is you can't 'fix' someone else and you have fallen into the trap of this.

ADHD isn't an excuse here either. He is prioritising what he wants and considers his responsibility. ADHD doesn't stop this.

You micromanaging him isn't ok either. It's trying to control him. He isn't interested and sees you as doing exactly this. He will resent it. Which just drives another wedge into the relationship.

People can only change if they want to change. He's happy with who he is and what he does.

You are only really in control of your own life. So make decisions you can control. Keeping in mind that he's unlikely to change and therefore any childcare arrangements are not going to be organised by him. He will still expect you to do all these things and organise him. If you then just let him get on with it, you'll pretty quickly realise that he simply doesn't value the kids and having time with them because it's all about an easy life for him on his terms. Because he's selfish.

Good luck.

@mumofb2 it isn't ADHD its SDD

Selfish dickhead disorder

He can take interest in a dog.
He doesnt want to better himself for his family.

Excuses after excuses.

Get rid! Youll be so much happier!

I guarantee he'll either magically improve as he wants you back or he'll improve to gain a new relationship. Classic

No, you’ve totally read something that isn’t there.

It is rare, is happens once every so often and he can be adamant he had said/someone has said/I have said (or not said) something that genuinely didn’t happen or genuinely wasn’t said. We used to go round and round about it, now he just accepts it’s one of those things. Never in arguments, or conflict, just something that really wasn’t said. It used to really unnerve me because he was so adamant something had happened that hadn’t.

But yes, it would be open to abuse if I was to abuse it I suppose. However, he’s not stupid. These are trivial small things, it’s not like he would be saying something about Mars and I’m saying Mars doesn’t exist and he just says ‘ok Mars doesn’t exist’. It’s more like he ‘blips’ a certain part of a conversation. It’s never anything where the answer actually matters, it just stops him getting stuck on a version of something inconsequential that isn’t actually real.

Don't get me wrong, I was diagnosed ADHD at a very young age (for a girl no less) almost 25 years ago. I chose to stop mediation at 18 when I fell pregnant.
Completely believed it was a made up theory because my parents couldn't handle me.

I'm now nearly 35, everyones memories are fuzzy sometimes but I could never hack someone telling me I got it wrong because they say so, because I have ADHD so couldnt possibly be remembering it correctly.

Yes we fixate, which means we do replay things alot in our heads when it's something that matters. But I couldn't live the way you describe.

He just stops his brain because you say so.

But kudos to you for the patience and if it works for you it works for you. I just found the original post quite ironic

As an example.

Ages ago . Car keys misplaced. He was adamant they were in his pocket. Adamant. Nobody was upset about the car keys, no pressure was put on him about the car keys, but the car keys were missing.

He was totally stuck on them being in his pocket, and his ‘stuck’ narrative was that they were definitely in his pocket therefore the only place they could be was either in his pocket (they weren’t) or had fallen out onto the chair he was sitting on (also no). He was adamant that he had literally walked through the hall, sat down on a chair in the kitchen lounge area, and that was it.

He was adamant but also quietly upset about it. That was the version he was sure had happened.

I wasn’t upset at him or getting onto him at all. But the reality is that if what he remembered was true, the keys would have been there - but they weren’t. He therefore didn’t see the point in looking anywhere else because he hadn’t been anywhere else.

Turned out they were somewhere totally different - I honestly can’t remember where but it didn’t at all fit with his belief that he had walked through the front door straight to this chair etc. But he was stuck on that version and it didn’t make any sense (because if it was true the keys would have been there).

Now he would accept me saying look, I know that’s how you remember it but it can’t be true, because the keys aren’t in either of the only 2 places they could possibly be in if it was. So let’s just put that to one side, and look everywhere for them.

Whereas previously he would have just argued (not an argument but just stuck on the version he remembers) black was white and that there’s no point looking upstairs (for example) because he hadn’t been upstairs. And the keys would turn out to be upstairs….

It is unsettling both for the person with ADHD and the people around them who are aware, or logic just dictates situationally, that their version isn’t true, but they really believe it. The solution we have found works for us. It’s always around where things are/what’s been done.

Another example would be I’m looking for an item of clothing. He says he hung it in my wardrobe. It’s not in my wardrobe. He’s adamant it is because he remembers putting it there. It eventually turns up in a drawer in someone else’s room (and he was definitely the one who put the washing away). Previously he would have clung to the belief that it’s in the wardrobe, now we are able to just skip that bit and he accepts he’s misremembered it because if he had it would be there…

It is things like this, so really inconsequential but frustrating to live with if not nipped in the bud.

You are describing my husband. He's fully disengaged in communication and on an emotional level, most just form his family but himself. yy to doing lots of chores at home but no capacity to help with problem solving any of life's problems's that happened to come up. Either talks a lot at people and it's clear he is not aware of what he says or what others are saying or where his words land or he speaks in a monosyllabic manner.

What medication has he been prescribed? You refer to him having high blood pressure, that rules out most ADHD medication options, unfortunately.

Medication can be incredibly helpful. It has been amazing for me. Certainly less interrupting, and much better at getting things done.

It can be hard to unpick what is ADHD, and what is just personality or learned behaviours.

The issue here isn't really his ADHD, I'd say. It is that you are lonely and unhappy, and he doesn't seem that bothered. When my DH raises ADHD related annoying stuff with me I take responsibility for it, and try to find solutions. Ultimately, I'm an adult and responsible for myself. You are not obliged to stay in an unhappy relationship.

He is refusing to take medication

His body his choice!

ADHD does not make you like this self absorbed man.

He is just using it as an excuse. If he wanted to then he would. It's as simple as that.

I have AuDHD. Your husband’s behaviours aren’t (entirely) down to his ADHD- he sounds like a lazy twat who’s happy for you to do everything while he dicks about and blames it on his ND.

Executive function is lower in people with ADHD but there are lots of ways of addressing this- meds can help (not everyone though) but lots of people manage through setting up their own routines and structures that enable them to do their bit.

The world is full of people with ADHD who are absolutely killing themselves to keep on top of everything despite their challenges. It really annoys me to see someone using it as an excuse to be rude and useless.

You talk like you know all ADHD people.

You know a few that do not represent everyone.

I have been working in the same department for 20 plus years. Been with my partner 20 years. Unmedicated but not untreated. I use practical methods. I aren't the best at chores but I keep on top of all of the washing, things we need in the house, washing up and the like. I do these things because I have to help myself with my disability. The op's partner does not because he does not care.

Do you think we are all like that? Moodiness and get angry over nothing? Its a pretty poor view you have of people like me and I'd like to say to you it isn't true. It's just an opinion thay you have.

I am kind, courteous, unselfish. I put everything in my calendar, I do not miss bills, I am good to my friends and family. I love being happy and having a joke. Yes there a million down sides to being ADHD and I aren't going to pretend I am perfect. I also do not have object permanence.

Maybe it's because I am female I do these things. I see that these threads tend to be more about ADHD men, often not even officially diagnosed. Maybe it's more male entitlement!

I think there are 2 problems, one is the ADHD which he knows he has and refuses to do anything about and why would he hes quite happy and the second problem is that because of his ADHD hes got away with everything all his life and is very selfish, this is the part he can change but doesnt want to,.the lack of empathy you talk about it sounds like cant be changed, it sounds like you get nothing from this relationship i would be inclined to ask him to move out with the dam dog and see if hes bothered....he knows what hes doing when he says "how do you know its raining" he wants all the attention on him and hes right and id bet money one of his parents was like this so you wont change him