Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

I used to call DP The Paranoid Android, before I realised that ADHD might be the explanation for why he ruminated so much over every perceived slight. For example, if he messages someone and they don’t get back to him promptly, he’ll say ‘That’s very strange. I wonder why X hasn’t replied to my message?’ followed by an elaborate (largely imagined) theory about why they might be offended/annoyed/angry/upset. Then they message him and everything is fine and he completely forgets how worked up he was. I long ago stopped mentioning how great it was that everything was fine after all, because he would then think I was trying to make a fool of him. His brother (who is diagnosed) is exactly the same. And his dad!

Edited due to left out word!

Interesting the women on here who would divorce.

In my case it's DH who regularly says when he's in an explosive mood that he's going to leave me. It's hurtful but I just say there's the door sometimes, ignore other times.

I think twat you're 75. Who's going to wash your clothes, do all your tax returns, Remind you of appointments. Do the shopping. And put up with your illogical daily tantrums.

All you do idiot man is enjoy your hobbies away from home daily. Do the gardening.

Call me Dumbo when my education is to degree level, he ducked out of his GCSEs. Preferring to go fishing instead of revising.

I think older ADHD people have a chip on their shoulders because they weren't diagnosed.

The paranoia can be off the scale.

ADHD ‘symptoms’ are not set in stone. They fluctuate due to stress levels, hormones, sleep, coping strategies in place, age, and probably many other things.

It’s possible to have ADHD and also be an asshole

ADHD fluctuates. See my PP.

That rude and disrespectful thing you mention sounds like my DM, who almost certainly has ADHD. She says whatever is in her head - the other day say she visited me and announced “it’s a mess in here” as she walked through the front door.

DC2 has ADHD and autism. and he very immature- pretty sure it’s due to to neurodivergence. It’s harder to understand the world if you are ND. For example, I don’t understand body language, inferences, facial expressions (I’m ADHD and autistic) so I miss out on an awful lot in communication. I also have very slow language processing due to ND so struggle with podcasts and audio books and if anyone has a strong accent, I really struggle.

The questioning everthing point, I do that and people have complained to me. I am not necessarily disagreeing but people usually think I am. I am thinking about it in more detail. Is it just light spotting or full on rain? Is the rain falling vertically or is it being blown in the wind? When is it going to stop? Is it going to be enough to water the garden or will I still have to get the hose out? Is there a rainbow? And if so, where is my phone so I can take a photo? Do the kids want to go out and splash in the puddles?

This doesn’t sound like ADHD at all, in my own limited experience (as someone formally diagnosed with ADHD) but more like autism.

We had a whirlwind romance, met, he bought a house, got engaged, married in 12 months. On my 21st birthday ten days before our wedding we had a date at a restaurant, he'd met some girl made a date for the same night which he told me years later. A year after the wedding I was walking the streets in the pouring rain because he'd been so mean. I'd walked out in my slippers which were soaked through. Went back. He said he hadn't noticed I'd gone.

ADHD people can be cruel, maybe because peers were cruel at school, parents hard at home because no-one back then had an explanation for bad behaviour. It was just naughty. You got punished.

This is exactly what I used to be like.

Thanks for sharing. I would be interested how exactly in threapy did you work on the RSD physical feeling? Did you do some body therapy? Or just talking it through and allowing yourself to accept that its not as bad as it feels? Thanks.

What is RSD?

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Meaning people react strongly to perceived rejection.

He's reducing his chances of a heart attack by getting fit. Exercise is much better and can resolve a lot of issues instead of being sat at home taking pills.

Thank you

Looks interesting. I like the subtitle. I shall try to get a hold of it and read it.

How is his sleep op? And his diet? Did he have established routines before the kids came along? I would like to unite myself to the chorus saying he is selfish, that if he can pay attention to the dog he can pay attention to the kids or notice you are unwell… but I can’t. The one I have around doesn’t even remember he has to eat to live.

I see people heartbroken because they really care and want to do something about but them ADHD takes over, get overfixated on other things they don’t care as much or paralysed with procrastination. It is heartbreaking for them and us around them.

I notice disruptions of routine, waking up late, not having structure, eating at different times or the wrong food send the one I have at home out of control. Having a routine kept things in track on the past but you can’t put an adult into a routine unless they put themselves in one.

You may find it easier to raise your kids in your own, but if you split, there will be other things they do that you will find infuriating and unsafe to your children. From forgetting it was their day to pick them up from school to forgetting they actually eat.

If I were in your shoes, I would split, it will still be a lot of work but then you will have more headspace and patience to deal with chores, work and the children than doing all that while exhausted of dealing with the chaos and frustration your partner creates. You may even realise that you are already doing everything alone and feel
more relaxed when he is not there.

I knew that someone would point this out and I completely agree that diet and exercise are crucial to lowering blood pressure. But often it’s necessary to do this AND take medication for the best outcome.

My point is that with two small children to bring up, he should be doing whatever he can to ensure that he doesn’t have a premature heart attack or stroke, because they need him.

My Mum, for example, developed a chronic disease when I was a toddler and she fought her condition with everything she could- exercised when she was well enough, did all the treatments, took all the pills, etc. She openly said later that she wanted to be around for me and my Dad.

Or he could be a smug know-it-all who won’t take advantage of common, well tolerated medication for either high blood pressure or ADHD?

I’d say this attitude is one of the reasons why men have a shorter life expectancy than women…. My DF wouldn’t take blood pressure tablets either because he was too proud / stubborn and was dead of a heart attack in late 60s. Bloody stupid, basically.

But your argument is essentially take medication or do nothing.

Lifestyle changes and getting fit is doing something. People should look at that first rather than taking medication that has potential side-effects. Look at medication as a second option.

I would be much happier if someone decided to get fit (do more exercise etc) as there are so many benefits rather than popping pills.

This is more personality related for your DH .. I have add always unmedicated but I never struggled in any way , shape or form with forgetfulness , disorganisation due to time blindness or I never interrupted people whilst talking .. I would never treat my partner like he does to OP .. my add comes out like bad anxiety and fear of losing my loved ones ..

I think older ADHD people have a chip on their shoulders because they weren't diagnosed.

Well thanks for that 🤣🤣🤣

Diagnose at 63, no chip about late disgnosis that I can identify.

Is that an NHS diagnosis? It doesn't sound like ADD at all and it's nothing like my presentation of ADHD which has all those things big time and none of the fear of losing loved ones.

I was thinking that too. It sounds more like OCD (I have experience of this myself.) Of course it’s common to have both ADD and OCD. But time blindness, lack of organisation and forgetfulness are three of the biggest indicators of ADD. Interrupting people is also extremely common. If someone didn’t have ANY of these traits, I would wonder about whether they had ADD at all.

Idem. Never ever again!