Husbands ADHD is driving me towards divorce

[mumofb2]

He is refusing to take medication for it as he believes he can manage it on his own..:: we have 2 small children together and it’s like living with 3 children. He is away with the fairy’s half the time, doesn’t listen to anything I say, or when he does listen he is so defensive and gaslights me.

he talks about only what he wants to talk about. He interrupts me all the time, he doesn’t help me, I have to ask him to help he disappears around the house as he got side tracked. I have to repeat myself 2/3 times. His brain must is so busy I can actually see my words enter his ear and out through the other side.

we have a dog, that he is interested in tbh. More so than anything else.

it is draining. And irritating. I am starting to hate him that’s how strongly my feels are.

i understand it is a condition he can’t help… but I feel he can help by going the Gp. But he thinks it’s everyone else that is the problem not him. So much so, he falls out with a lot of people because of it. Parents, friends, work, etc.

I told him last week can we sit down and talk about how I am feeling,.. still waiting. I could tell him I have learnt to fly and he will say “oh yeah” and that’s it. He’s not fully present with me. I feel so lonely and want out of this.

we have been together 6 years but his adhd seems unmanageable now that it was at the beginning… or is love blind !!!! Help

I have adhd and having kids made it so much worse, think it’s just being overstimulated all the time. Probably why he hadn’t spoken to you as he doesn’t have the capacity. Might be worth looking at meds.

I think 50% of people come off ADHD meds within a year, they don't suit anyone I know who has been on them, they may take them occasionally when they really need to focus but not the rest of the time so I wouldn't bet on medication being the solution.

He is refusing to take medication for it
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First line/words of first post.

Here we go again. Every single rude/lazy thing this man does can be blamed on "ADHD".

What exactly is ADHD, at this point? So many threads like this...

I have said I am going to record our conversations so many times!!!

what makes me really mad is when he says “ we will talk when we are both calm” and I am like ??????? I am calm?
the baby was trying to talk to me the other day and he spoke over him. So I had to listen to 2 people talk at the same time! Just little things. Obv I told husband to be quiet and listened to my child but I shouldn’t have had to ask him!! Or when I am on the phone talking he will
come in the room and blurt out something and I have to remind him (while holding the phone) that I can’t hear two people talking at the same time!!!

I have got to the point now he actually embarrasses me when out in public. He will just speak his mind and I am left cringing. He has no boundaries and will openly share with the cashier in Asda. I could go on and on.

OP, how many of these traits do you genuinely believe are "due to ADHD so he can't help it"?

And which traits are simply selfishness, lack of respect for you, lack of interest in kids, etc?

I know several people with ADHD, they try their best for their families. This guy sounds like he doesn't give two shits about any of you.

My boyfriend has what I am sure is undiagnosed ADHD (and therefore unmedixated) and while the distractability and forgetfulness can be frustrating, the things I see as are really causing problems for you is your husband’s defensiveness, selfishness and lack of co-operation. These are not inherent characteristics of ADHD and as such, are not likely to be fixed by medication.

My BF can be scatty or hyperfixated but he recognises his own behaviours and works on them. If he doesn’t remember saying something, he knows it’s his memory issue and accepts what I’m saying instead of acting like it never happened. If I point out he got through 80 percent of a job before abandoning it for something else, he gets back to it. If I say to him, “Babe, I know you’re so interested in this right now but I cannot listen to another word about Spain’s export markets”, he understands where I am coming from.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether ADHD is the real problem here.

15 years in with an unmedicated ADHD partner.

It doesn't get better.. or easier.

My eldest has been diagnosed with ADHD which has reinforced my absolute certainty that DP has it. The not listening, the interrupting, the forgetfulness, the complete and utter time blindness. He starts arsing about about five minutes before we leave the house, because having a deadline gives him the incentive to start mowing the bloody lawn or something. These are obviously all traits of ADHD, but knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to live with. I sit and listen to him droning on about his latest obsession, but the minute I open my mouth to give an opinion, he either continues his rant or changes the subject completely because his brain has moved on. And I KNOW this is classic ADHD but it drives me round the bend. It feels personal, even though it isn’t. And when he sees the look on my face because I’ve been talked over yet again, rather than apologising, he gets very defensive. He is unlikely to seek a diagnosis at his age (59). His much younger brother is diagnosed and I would bet my house that his three sisters have it too. Being around them when they’re all together is the worst sensory overload imaginable.

Ds1 has been on ADHD medication since he was 7, he’s now 30. He has had a couple of trials off it but can’t function as a sensible human without it. We had difficulty getting hold of it at one point last year and he had to take time off work as couldn’t concentrate without it and in his job, mistakes risks lives. If things are this bad he should be giving it a try.

Op, I don’t know how old your dh is but it’s only in the last few years that I’ve noticed that ds has matured and become a sensible young man but he’s always been very well liked and is very empathetic. He still lives at home and will do any jobs that I ask of him but seems unable to do things if not reminded. He could never have children and he knows that. He would be completely overstimulated and wouldn’t be safe to be left with them once his medication had worn off. I don’t know what the answer is but YANBU to separate if you would be happier.

@Threeboystwocatsandadog
Yes some people can't be without them but they don't suit a lot of people. My own doc thought they wouldn't be suitable for me because of my insomnia and because I'm slim and lose my appetite when stressed. It's also risky with high blood pressure and the OP said her partner should be taking medication for high blood pressure and doesn't.

@kkloo If that’s the case and he doesn’t find a way to change his behavior, it sounds as if their relationship will end. The OP is clearly unhappy.

Yes I'm not saying she should have to put up with him if she's not happy, just that medication may not help or it may not be suitable for him.

Your husbands ADHD is not driving you to divorce.

Your husband’s refusal to take meds and his general selfishness is driving you towards divorce.

There are many lovely ADHD men who make awesome partners - because they dont make other people responsible for their difficulties.

Unfortunately you can’t make your husband deal with his ADHD. Meds are a godsend but they don’t fix everything - you have to want to do the work. He sounds inherently selfish and unfortunately you’ll need to decide whether he’ll really change, or change enough, even if he does go on meds.

What a twat.

You should get a divorce.
ADHD tends to get worse with age.

I know people with ADHD, some diagnosed, some undiagnosed, all of them unmanaged and all of them untreated.

The interrupting, the non-stop talking, the chaos, the arguing over nothing, the moodiness, the object permanence, the SAD, the temper that goes from 0-150 mph in a second.

All of them have gotten into trouble at work and have trouble keeping friends. Only one of them is married - the rest of them can't keep a partner.

I would get a divorce if I were you.

ADHD does not get worse with age. That is a long dispelled myth. Life becoming more stressful at certain events eg young kids, perimenopause can make ADHD worse, but it’s not the ageing process. I notice less symptoms as I age.

You’ve described a very selfish sounding group of people who don’t care about the impact their behaviour has on others. That isn’t ADHD, it’s self absorption.

OP’s husband sounds very selfish. Unfortunately I have noticed that selfishness worsens with age

How old is he? The immaturity could be at least partially due to the adhd, researchers reckon the condition results in a roughly 30% lag in emotional and intellectual maturity compared to someone NT. But most should catch up with their peers when they're 30ish. So if you guys are in your 20s, even if he gets medication it won't make him instantly more mature, but it may help him mature better.

@mumofb2 I left the family home at 7 months pregnant and stayed in a crisis shelter. That’s how bad it got with my un medicated/ unmanaged ADHD husband. Frim the day I met him, my life turned into one big roller coaster of preventing/managing disasters after another caused by him. The amount of money lost. His cold selfishness. The parent child dynamic.
Be careful: they get worse and when you decide to leave, you will then see that his ADHD brain is capable of coming up with the most vindictive, calculating, callous actions despite his seemingly learned helplessness.
I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD from living 5 years with him. His behaviour as a result of not managing ADHD are tantamount to abuse. Each time I see ADHD on Mumsnet, my heart sinks.

Even though we got divorced in 2023, he continues to try to make my life hell. I eventually had to move 120 kilometers away from him. We share to children and he has used them as weapons against me: refusing my daughter starting school at 4 because it’s not the legal age( NL) refusing to sign to renew my children’s Italian passport because why should they have three passports ( they are British Italian and Dutch) refused me moving with my children so for the last 6 months I see my children every other weekend. They are 3&5 so you can imagine how they feel and how it makes me feel. I’m going the legal route to get them with me( will be the third time post divorce )
in the meantime he neglects them while his mum who’s ADHD try’s but fails in looking after my children. They look unkempt and smell when I pick them up.

These are very middle/ upper class people who stay in castles in France when on holidays. He’s an accountant so is his father and so was his paternal grandfather. This is to say that tho ADHD doesn’t affect intelligence, if not managed it very negatively impacts those around.

Think of you and your children. I didn’t for 5 years and it nearly killed me.

This.

You don't need anyone's permission to call a screeching halt to all of this, OP.

Because people with ADHD hyperfocus. For about the first three years of the relationship, guess who they are hyperfocusing on? You. They are very attentive partners. Then the novelty wears off and it's very lonely.

He’s not paranoid schizophrenic. He knows he has this and he could work on it but chooses not to. Thats a deal breaker for me, my child has adhd and we work so hard on responsibility and accountability. I think it’s time to say clearly in short firm sentences. I don’t feel loved or supported by you, I feel I have to parent you as well as our actual children. I don’t think you care how I feel, I cannot rely on you, we are not a team. I want a divorce.

When we first met it was a bit of a whirlwind.. looking back now that was probably his adhd.. everything was spontaneous fun and exciting. Now we are in mum and dad mode I want calmness and focus on kids needs.

So you have changed as well?

Meditation even 5 minutes a day can help concerntrate his mind.I suppose if he won't do it you can't make him.Like on poster said perhaps he needs to see his actions make his life hard. Or an ultimatum, tell him how unhappy you are, you don't know 8f you can carry on like this things need to change.

He’s not wrong though - high blood pressure can be treated through diet and exercise. Also, if someone does have problems with their BP they likely shouldn’t be taking ADHD meds.

You really don’t know anyone with ‘undiagnosed ADHD’. If you took 100 people and listed their behaviours, every single one of them would have at least 1 symptom of ADHD, but only 2.5 of those people would receive an actual diagnosis.
In addition, ADHD doesn't get worse as you age, in fact around 20% of chi,Daren diagnosed will improve as they age. What happens is, life gets more complicated as you age, expectations and responsibilities increase. This is true for all adults, not just those with ADHD.
https://add.org/does-adhd-get-worse-with-age/