Would my partner’s comments about other women bother anyone else?

[CountingDownToAutumn]

This has been playing on my mind a lot lately and I was hoping to kind of exorcise it by getting some other viewpoints.

Dp is amazing in so many ways. We have a 6 week old baby and he’s a great dad. He’s great with housework, does his fair share of night feeds, great with my children from a previous marriage. If I need him to help with anything for them he’ll arrange his work to make it happen. I can’t fault him in that regard.

So the problem… commenting on other women. I feel like we can’t watch anything without a ‘she’s nice’ or a ‘I can’t work out if she’s pretty or not’. I know he looks at women he finds attractive on a day to day basis. He tries his best to be discrete about it but I’ve caught him on a few occasions. I don’t tend to mention it and just pretend I haven’t noticed. It came up once in a light hearted conversation and he made a joke about how he tries to be discrete as to not make the women in question feel uncomfortable. I know he has porn apps on his phone. Again, he’s very open about this and while in itself it’s not a deal breaker for me, the picture as a whole is starting to bother me.

We have a great sex life. He tells me that he’s attracted to me and he’s very affectionate on a day to day basis. He did make a few clumsy comments recently about how I’ve lost a lot of my bum in pregnancy and I need to start squatting which he apologised profusely for when I told him it upset me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be letting this bother me. If we had no sex life and he didn’t pay me any attention it would be a different story but that’s not the case. I’m not naive. I know he’s going to find other women attractive and that’s normal. He’s just so blatant about it which makes me paranoid that he’s comparing me or he wishes I look more like whoever he’s found attractive at that precise minute. Probably doesn’t help that I currently have 2 stone of baby weight to loose.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here or would this bother anyone else?

Oh he deserved the both barrels treatment and don't apologise.
He's been critiquing every inch of you and commenting on other women.

That blast you gave him was long overdue.

This 100%
Anyone who watches porn frequently has a warped view of sex, the sexes and more often than not sexualises children or at least is more sexually attracted to people with childlike features.

Lol so he’s handing out insults and feedback left right and centre and you say one thing and he is so sensitive about it that he interprets it as ‘no one will ever find me attractive’ even though that is literally not what you said. Perhaps people who live in glass houses…

Obviously if he was a lovely man and you said what you said out the blue it would be completely uncalled for, but he has thought it’s absolutely fine to say things to you for years. If he’s saying it’s ok to insult you because he also compliments you, I’m sure you can find some compliments you’ve said to him or other ways you’ve shown him love to make what you said ok too according to that logic.
The actual difference here is that his feelings are hurt. That’s why it’s apparently so much worse, it’s nothing to do with what you said.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this though it’s so horrible and no one deserves this. If you know he won’t change and you don’t want your dc subjected to it you know what you have to do, it’s obviously just so difficult though

He's physically evaluating every woman or girl he sees and he's even sexualising his own baby daughter, which is beyond creepy.

If you aren't going to dump him for it (yet) I'd definitely start overtly evaluating random men all the time so he could see how abnormal and creepy it is.
He sounds insecure mainly and overcompensating for his own insecurities by convincing himself that women are even lower than him.

I wouldn't trust him at all

I think

He negs you over and over to break down your self esteem and keep you in what he thinks is your place, below him and it's progressed from your post partum body to sex. When you finally snap and give him a taste of what he's serving you, he's the poor, poor victim.

He's an misogynistic creepy asshole and he's never going to change. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? You've already got criticism and contempt and defensiveness in your marriage and those are 3 of the 4 horsemen, behaviours that damage a marriage. So you've got that plus you just had a baby and your life is stressful due to those demands. Instead of being supportive, he's negging you and that is going to damage your attachment to him. Do you want to stay married to him?

He negs you over and over to break down your self esteem and keep you in what he thinks is your place, below him and it's progressed from your post partum body to sex. When you finally snap and give him a taste of what he's serving you, he's the poor, poor victim.

And the reason he does that is because he’s terrified of you leaving him. Because he looks at women the way he does, he assumes you’ll objectify men in the same way and he thinks that he comes up short. (Now his worst fears have been realised as that’s how he’s interpreted your comments).
He’s trying to get you to think you aren’t attractive to other men unconsciously. Consciously, he’s disappointed because you understandably aren’t up to his ideal woman standards after just giving birth. There is no emotional intelligence there to see you in any other light other than a sex object who he needs to subdued so you don’t leave him.
But he might leave you the second you can’t meet his demands and needs. There is no need yet because you still fancy him and meet his emotional needs - until you blew…

He is very insecure. He hates me eating healthy/wanting to loose weight. He’ll keep on with ‘jokes’ about how I’m planning on loosing loads of weight and leaving him for someone at the gym. The other day he came up to me and said ‘you’re lucky you look like that or I wouldn’t put up with half of this shit’. One, I don’t know what shit he was referring to. Two, I just looked at him confused. It was supposedly a compliment. He told me I didn’t like compliments because I didn’t take it that way.

I don’t think he likes himself very much. He gets very down about his weight. He talks a lot about how much weight he’s put on and how he needs me to tell him he’s ‘fat and disgusting’ because then he’ll loose it. I refuse to do that. Well until I snapped yesterday anyway! He constantly talks about going on a diet starting tomorrow which lasts a day at most. The thing is, I don’t care about this stuff. He’s put on weight. I still found him attractive, it didn’t bother me. I would never have made those type of comments to him without being pushed into it. I really don’t understand it.

I don't think this is a situation that will get any better. Sadly, I think he will just gently try to grind down your self-esteem as the years go by... he doesn't seem to have much respect for women- just sees them for their bodies only.

He IS the creep. He is the gross, predatory creepy, misogynistic cunt.
He is the man your daughter and her friends will learn, in around 12-13 years, that they are not safe around. They'll start, like we all, did, learning how to keep themselves and other women and girls safe around him and men like him. Her mates will be aware that her dad stares at their tits. She'll be aware her dad sees her as property that needs protecting from men exactly like him and not as her own person with agenct.
The women he works with will see his looks and hear his comments. So will women in public spaces who were just hoping to pop to Lidl without their fuckability being assessed and commented on
Your other kids will either be aware that he sees them as tits with a person attached or that, as their male role model, they should see women as tits with a person attached. At best. At worst, if you have other daughters, then I genuinely fear for them living with a man like that.
He is deeply, deeply misogynistic. He seems to genuinely struggle to see women as people, just fuckable objects. He's so bad that his mum, sister and newborn daughter's tits have been assessed for their fuckability. He looked a a tiny baby and his thought was I hope she has great tits like my mum does. It's so incredibly fucked.
Because we've all had to deal with it I think some women struggle to see misogyny and how damaging it is. So imagine it was race. Imagine every time he passed a black person he was commenting on how they look a bit foreign. Or if your daughter was mixed race, hoping she looked good and white like his mum and not gross and black like you.
The comments about your bum alone are bad. It's only a sign of HOW bad everything else is that they're almost a side note in the conversation. Your body grew his tiny, perfect child. It's done the most incredible thing a body can do. He should worship it on a daily basis. That he can't and only reduced it to being an object he is less happy to fuck though is sadly just a part of a way bigger problem.
Stop worrying if you dropped to his level, because you didn't. His level is on the fucking floor. Start worrying about your and your kids future.

Oh fucking hell. He's thick, creepy, cruel and insecure. What exactly are you doing with him?

What the actual F?! His insecurity needs to be addressed by him. You go ahead and eat healthily and go to the gym. His comments about his baby daughter’s breasts when older and how he’ll treat her when she’s older are sick too. I don’t honestly think I’ve ever heard of a man talking this way though I suppose some must do. I’m trying to think eg of my DB’s male friend who has 3 daughters he brought up by himself since they were young and there is no way on earth would he say this, ever! He needs therapy to change otherwise I couldn’t stay in this marriage.

Then he needs to deal with his insecurities and stop them landing on other people. I'm insecure, I don't body shame the people I love. I don't like my weight, I don't hope the kids in my family have great tits when they grow up.
He doesn't think and say those things because he's insecure, he says them because he is an awful human.

I am slowly starting to loose the will to live here. He just got in and the subject came up again. He really thinks what I said was so much worse and he’s upset at me because of it! Seriously!? I don’t really know where to go from here.

A very cool response that you can't unsay it and you were only returning the favour. He is trying to push you into showering him with compliments and saying you didn't mean it. Do NOT do this.

By telling him its over.

To a lawyer.

Tell him you will speak to him about it when he's calm and can understand the impact of his constant negging. Also, you and other women are not put on this earth for him to objectify and he needs to stop commenting on womens bodies, including yours!!

Don't lose the will to live.
Don't lose weight.
Lose HIM.

He's a creep, porn addict, offensive, slimy, disrespectful perv ... Seriously I'd whizz him out the window.

And he's thick.

You have barely been cleared for sex, or have you, and this guy wants to be experimental and you do a lot of the work. This is when he should be going easy and basic with sex. Then when you snap at his constant negging, he takes offense and makes it a big deal. He sounds sexually selfish.

I know you said he's good with your kids that aren't his and does stuff around the home, but his mindset that you are not equal to him, his deep misogyny, and his creepiness about women extending to sexualizing a baby, I would not be able to move past that. I don't know if individual therapy could alter that kind of mindset at all.

Are your other kids daughters?

100% this comment. This is so, so grim. OP he should not be thinking about your daughter like that, or saying he likes the women he's related to breasts. Wtf!!!

.

He's a prick

Tbh perhaps you need to tell him that if he wants to insult you at every opportunity and sulk when you bite back then he knows where the door is.

Dont let him get away with pretending its ok for him to insult you .

eurgh. he sounds like a 14 year old. Why is he letting you hear the one track mind he has going on?

It's massively disrespectful and he just sounds obsessed?!