Would my partner’s comments about other women bother anyone else?

[CountingDownToAutumn]

This has been playing on my mind a lot lately and I was hoping to kind of exorcise it by getting some other viewpoints.

Dp is amazing in so many ways. We have a 6 week old baby and he’s a great dad. He’s great with housework, does his fair share of night feeds, great with my children from a previous marriage. If I need him to help with anything for them he’ll arrange his work to make it happen. I can’t fault him in that regard.

So the problem… commenting on other women. I feel like we can’t watch anything without a ‘she’s nice’ or a ‘I can’t work out if she’s pretty or not’. I know he looks at women he finds attractive on a day to day basis. He tries his best to be discrete about it but I’ve caught him on a few occasions. I don’t tend to mention it and just pretend I haven’t noticed. It came up once in a light hearted conversation and he made a joke about how he tries to be discrete as to not make the women in question feel uncomfortable. I know he has porn apps on his phone. Again, he’s very open about this and while in itself it’s not a deal breaker for me, the picture as a whole is starting to bother me.

We have a great sex life. He tells me that he’s attracted to me and he’s very affectionate on a day to day basis. He did make a few clumsy comments recently about how I’ve lost a lot of my bum in pregnancy and I need to start squatting which he apologised profusely for when I told him it upset me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be letting this bother me. If we had no sex life and he didn’t pay me any attention it would be a different story but that’s not the case. I’m not naive. I know he’s going to find other women attractive and that’s normal. He’s just so blatant about it which makes me paranoid that he’s comparing me or he wishes I look more like whoever he’s found attractive at that precise minute. Probably doesn’t help that I currently have 2 stone of baby weight to loose.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here or would this bother anyone else?

Glad he's your ex. That's disgusting. Feel sorry for any other woman who could end up with him.

Very fucking creepy. Who the fuck thinks like this about a newborn baby?
Gross. <shivers>

Wasn’t with him all that long.
He met his first wife on holiday, she had two babies and her first husband had passed away.
Apparently she was a ‘10’ but nobody else would want her.
He told me I’d been a ‘10’ when younger - he’d seen pics of me - but at 40 I would be a hump and dump.
He was a very strange man. Absolutely obsessed with Becky from Corrie - the one from the noughties who married Steve. Says she was ugly but would be great in bed.
To make you laugh. Once took me to a family party. And said oh one of my younger cousins looks like a famous film star - think Brad Pitt.
And he did. He was absolutely gorgeous.
It was one of those social club things where men stand at the bar and women sit by the buffet.
And I spent three hours listening to all of them describing what they’d like to do with the younger version of Brad.
Didn’t bother telling him. Next time I was getting a lecture on what ‘real men’ think, I thought if only you could have heard your great auntie Kathleen giving us a full description of the young Brad’s arse.
My dad was delighted when we spilt up. And I also found out he’d tried to tap him for a loan. The cheeky git.

He honestly sounds repulsive 🤢

What an absolute fucking twat of a man....for multiple reasons.

This is not normal.

Keep your daughter away from this vile man.

This got worse and worse with every update.

It also struck me that your repeated ‘salvation’ is that he finds you attractive. Really? Is that the thing that makes it all better? Disrespectful sleazes can (and do) find anyone attractive. I’m not sayings you’re not, but his attraction to you only matters if he is also respects you and that your wellbeing is always his priority.

He isn’t even the kind of guy I’d be friends with, let alone a relationship.

I wanted to update this thread because if I’m being honest I feel awful. I finally snapped at him and said something horrible back and it’s really upset him. Half of me is angry that it’s now turned around to me being the bad guy and the other half is sad that I’ve caused hurt.

It wasn’t even a comment about my appearance that triggered it. This is going to venture into tmi so I apologise in advance for that.
A few days ago we were having sex and he asked me to do something that he’s never done before. I have and while it’s not my favourite I have no issue with it so proceeded to do it. He made a big deal of it at the time. Talking about how much he enjoyed it and asking me to do it all the time. Then we were joking around yesterday and he said something like ‘I won’t let you do that thing’ so I said it was him that seemed to enjoy it so self punishment really. He then turned around and said it was alright. I was a bit taken aback and said that he’d made out that he’d really enjoyed it. He then repeated that it was just alright. I got really upset and it’s probably a stupid thing to get upset about but it just felt like another incidence of something about me not being good enough. He tried to backtrack but it didn’t change the fact he said it.

This is where I’m not proud of myself. I stewed on it for a couple of hours and then I just exploded. I told him how upsetting his comments on my bum and my boobs are and now it feels like he’s attacking how I am in bed as well. How his comments on other women make me feel inadequate and who the hell does he think he is sitting there four stone overweight to make these comments. Does he really think his ideal woman would even go anywhere near him because I don’t think so.

This really upset him. He thinks I said that nobody would want him and it’s really got to him. Apparently what I said is far worse than the comments he’s made because he tells me how attractive he thinks I am all the time. He doesn’t seem to get when it’s interspersed with ‘you need to do more squats to get your arse back’ that’s really the only thing you hear.

I just feel really shit today. I hate that I stooped to his level and now it’s being turned back on me. I hate that I’ve upset him. I just don’t know where to go from here.

To be honest OP I think he is doing this in part to make you insecure.
My husband used to make comments about a woman being fit on the tv or out and about when we were in our twenties, pre marriage. It got up my nose.
What stopped him was I started to do the same about attractive men. It made him feel insecure - a taste of his own medicine if you like, and he just stopped his own comments. Doesn’t do it at all now and hasn’t for many years.
I think he needed your explosion to put him back on his place so don’t feel bad about it.

Do NOT, under any circumstances apologise to him!

Use this as a starting point to double-down on expressing your anger and hurt.

Indeed, who on earth does this man think he is?

I just don't think this is the kind of man I want around my daughter. He appears to have no respect for women full stop.

He absolutely deserved what you said. Don't let him DARVO you and twist what you said. This is a man who sexualised a baby girl's body FGS, and constantly objectifies women. He's a creep.

Do not apologise.
Tell him that he isnt the victim here. That he's been chipping away at you for long enough and you've had enough of just taking it.

Also, him wondering how his daughter's breasts might look is disgusting and you shouldn't be finding ways to excuse it. It's revolting. It isnt normal for a father to wonder these things. It simply isnt.

You’re worrying about how attractive he finds you but that isn’t the most important thing, which is does he love and respect you. If he did he would listen to your concerns and stop this behaviour.

I’ve just read your update - good for you for standing up to him. Don’t feel bad - if he can say things so can you. One more thought - how do you think your daughter will feel growing up with a man who has porn on his phone and who speaks about women like he does? You’re in a difficult situation but it sounds like you’d be happier without him.

I tried that. Apparently what I said is far worse than what he has said to me because I insinuated that he was so unattractive that nobody would ever want him. I didn’t actually say that. I said the type of woman he bangs on about wouldn’t be interested.

There’s no point in explaining his comments are hurtful. I tried that either before or after I started this thread. I told him the comments on my bum were horrible. They started when I was three weeks postpartum and it’s not acceptable. He apologised but followed it up with ‘but did you see your arse before the baby. Like have you got any pictures. It was really nice’. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Yes this is exactly what would bother me about this. Men who constantly making an appraisal of how women look, even when it is entirely irrelevant. The 'i can't work out whether she is pretty or not'.. so what? Does she exist only to be pretty?? Does she give one flying fuck what some pervy loser sitting at home thinks about how she looks. Urgh it would enrage me tbh

I think his insecurities are coming out here. Don’t apologise other than to say, you didn’t mean it in exactly the same way he professes to not mean it when he hurts you. Say you both need to be careful about what you say going forward. But yours was a culmination of pent up upset.

And pull him up on any future comments regarding your body. Now everything has been laid out on the table, you can just point out he’s doing it again and remind him how he got upset when you commented on his body. Each and every time.

Also say he’s being a sleazebag again, every time you catch him ogling women or making comments about you dd. In fact, I’d pull him up for any comments about locking dd up, by saying mildly that it tells you more about how his mind works regarding women and that’s not a nice trait.

Be blunt now it’s all in the open and on the table. Don’t hold back.

I don’t know what to say op, you are unfortunately shacked up with a right prick. So what if you have upset him, he doesn’t give a shit he’s been upsetting you for ages and he isn’t taking any responsibility for the words and actions that emanate from himself. I cannot imagining having to listen to some overweight unattractive unpleasant man constantly talking about women as sex objects and reducing his wife and baby daughter to whether or not they have or will have nice tits. You won’t but I’d tell him to fuck off and grow up or me and my arse are off. You could really do with some support for your self esteem too, I’m not high on self esteem myself but I wouldn’t accept this kind of commenting on my body or pressure to do sex acts I don’t particularly enjoy. Look after yourself.

I feel so sad for you living like this. No wonder you’d had enough.
Here’s the thing. He can dish it up but he can’t take it. And you know as much as he’s upset, so what? He doesn’t care about upsetting you.
I often say that most men I know are entirely delusional about who they can attract.
If I met a male celebrity I had a crush on I would assume he wouldn’t know I existed. I am pushing 60.
But I think every man I’ve met would actually think they stood a chance with whoever it was - from Margot Robbie to Rihanna they’d all fall on the floor for Brian the plasterer from Wigan. (Actually they may for a good plasterer!)
I would possibly apologise and then leave him to it. He’s clearly insecure about his weight and his projecting his crap onto you.
Don’t let him.

Is he a bit thick OP ? Because the only blokes I’ve ever met who have been blatant about this have always been a bit lacking intelligence wise as to think it’s not hurtful - ask him to cut it out as you find it really annoying - if he doesn’t I would be rethinking the whole relationship

ah ive just read your other posts - make plans - he is thick and an arsehole

Can you imagine if you commented on his body, or looked at other blokes ‘discreetly’.
I think he has gone too far. What is he trying to prove ? It all sounds a bit juvenile. Or obsessed with appearance. To the point he has forgotten there are other things that matter.

Tell him he only thinks its worse because how he feels matters to him while how you feel doesn't.

I will never forget dating someone overweight in my 20’s. He was a big fella and at the start, a ray of sunshine.
A clear memory of meeting him and one of his friends popped in. Also a big guy.
I was reading a magazine with Cindy Crawford on the cover and I heard my date say….
’Would you do her, Terry, I would!?’This was in between eating everything in sight at top speed. Not a hint of irony either.
And you know I thought if this guy met Cindy, who was married to Richard Gere at the time, he would definitely think… I’m in there!