Would my partner’s comments about other women bother anyone else?

[CountingDownToAutumn]

This has been playing on my mind a lot lately and I was hoping to kind of exorcise it by getting some other viewpoints.

Dp is amazing in so many ways. We have a 6 week old baby and he’s a great dad. He’s great with housework, does his fair share of night feeds, great with my children from a previous marriage. If I need him to help with anything for them he’ll arrange his work to make it happen. I can’t fault him in that regard.

So the problem… commenting on other women. I feel like we can’t watch anything without a ‘she’s nice’ or a ‘I can’t work out if she’s pretty or not’. I know he looks at women he finds attractive on a day to day basis. He tries his best to be discrete about it but I’ve caught him on a few occasions. I don’t tend to mention it and just pretend I haven’t noticed. It came up once in a light hearted conversation and he made a joke about how he tries to be discrete as to not make the women in question feel uncomfortable. I know he has porn apps on his phone. Again, he’s very open about this and while in itself it’s not a deal breaker for me, the picture as a whole is starting to bother me.

We have a great sex life. He tells me that he’s attracted to me and he’s very affectionate on a day to day basis. He did make a few clumsy comments recently about how I’ve lost a lot of my bum in pregnancy and I need to start squatting which he apologised profusely for when I told him it upset me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be letting this bother me. If we had no sex life and he didn’t pay me any attention it would be a different story but that’s not the case. I’m not naive. I know he’s going to find other women attractive and that’s normal. He’s just so blatant about it which makes me paranoid that he’s comparing me or he wishes I look more like whoever he’s found attractive at that precise minute. Probably doesn’t help that I currently have 2 stone of baby weight to loose.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here or would this bother anyone else?

Absolutely fucking mental isnt it. Nevermind looking at random women, this is so fucked up

God it's depressing how low a bar some people have set themselves in relationships. He sounds an absolute sleaze and no I wouldn’t put up with it and nor should you. Does he Honestly have so little self-restraint or lack of self- awareness that he thinks it’s appropriate to be openly leering and commenting on women in front of his partner? Honestly, the mind boggles

I don’t really know what to do. If I was to speak to him about it I’m pretty confident he’d stop but it wouldn’t change him. I know he’d still be thinking these things. I know he’d still be watching porn and looking at other women. I just wouldn’t hear about it.

I don’t think he’d be fine if I criticised his cock no… he is a bit concerned about it being on the smaller side as it is. I’d never do that to him though. In fact I never say anything bad about how he looks. He’s put on a lot of weight in the last year and he gets very upset about it. I always tell him I think he looks great. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings like that.

I’ve always been torn because I don’t think he finds me unattractive so while it’s hurtful, I’ve not seen it as a threat. I think he’s hugely insecure in himself though. I try to eat as healthy as possible. He keeps making comments about how I’m going to leave him when I loose weight. At first I thought it was a joke but now it’s several times a day. Or how I’m going to leave him for a sex toy because I bought one to try together and he saw it as me not enjoying sex with him.

I think the crux of it is I always feel like I’m in some kind of competition I didn’t enter. It’s quite lucky that I’m not hugely insecure in that department or my self esteem would have taken a battering.

Please don’t waste the rest of your life.

Absolutely vile.

Had an ex like this with two young daughters - not mine. He would make comments about women on the TV in front of them and you could see them wince.
He would do it when we were out as well it became like a compulsion to make comments.
He did say to me one day women don’t think like this you don’t know what it’s like, Jade.
Used to tell me that all men fantasise about your sister, your friends, even your mum….
There was no point in the end. What I do know is this, though. I’m a lot older and I notice attractive men all the time. And if they are younger it’s not in a creepy way, it’s more if I was 20 again he’d be my type.
What I don’t do is comment on it, ever. If my other half sees a handsome man and comments and then I may agree but otherwise I keep my thoughts to myself.
Imagine if you said to him well if our daughter gets your mum’s boobs, my looks and my brains she’s going to be one hellavu catch, how would he feel?
I hate that narrative about locking them in a tower. The fact is if you have a daughter she will become a teenager and you won’t be able to stop her hormones and her falling for someone. Or several someone’s.
He may be ‘fantastic’ but actually, he’s not. This is horrible for you to have to listen to.
Imagine if you sat there saying God the men in my family are apparently well hung, if we have a son who gets that and looks like Benson Boone with his kit off, there are going to be some broken hearts.
To add: every single female in porn is somebody’s daughter. Every single one.

He’s actually pondering what sort of boobs your young daughter will develop… and you call him an amazing Dad.
There must have been a distinct lack of decent blokes in your life growing up to not see the issues with this specimen 😞

he sounds exhausting OP. I personally wouldn't care about him noticing other women but the comments about your daughter are gross and his insecurities sound like hard work. Probably his sleaziness stems from that - like it's a way he can compensate for what is really a lack of confidence. I'd try talking to him about it more I think, especially the stuff about your daughter.

This is so unnecessary on his part OP. Its like people have been brainwashed by porn (,but not just porn! Also SM, regular media, TV) to constantly measure themselves against some ideal. I find that if we all just accept ourselves and not objectify ourselves and others life (and sex) can be so much better. It sounds like your husband is just as harsh with himself if not more. Who cares if he is not well endowed or overweight. Just grow up already... great sex is just about connection in the end, with yourself and with your partner. Not saying looking good is pointless but it is not so important. I don't think he is a total ahole or anything, just brainwashed. If he could just step away from this mindset it would be so much better for all of you.

The fact that you've completely minimised his speculating about his daughters future boob size is concerning in all honesty.

He's a complete perv.

Boak 🤢

Jeez he's an insensitive idiot. I think most people are judging other people's attractiveness fairly often, they might not be particularly aware they're doing it. He would benefit from thinking things instead of saying them. Does he ever comment on other qualities or just appearance? How he be offended if you started commenting
"he's fit"
"I would"
"do you think his abs are real"' etc.

It's not really relevant what people on here think, if it pisses you off then it's a problem. That being said I can't think of any of my friends who would be okay with their partners acting like this.

I would have a conversation and ask him how does he think it makes you feel inside.

It's very understandable that after having a baby you'd feel possibly less confident. Also your priorities and feelings can be all over the place. Often a woman's first priorities aren't their partner but their baby.

Shaving my legs, make up, how my arse looked were very far down my to do list when my DD was little.

If you're bothered you should tell him. He can surely be tactful around other people so he can learn to shut the fuck up with his opinion of other women's bodies around you.

Good luck and congratulations on your little one.

I don't think he will change to be honest not if he doesn't realise how gross his comments and attitude are.

This will chip away at your sense of self and your self esteem though. It will get worse. Especially as you get older. Your partner is meant to make you feel confident and good, gorgeous even. Not dreading a night out as he will be ogling young women all night. I live in a studenty area, lots of young women around, wearing short shorts, stuff like that. And handsome tall student guys too! My partner doesn't treat himself to a good eyeful, I never notice him gawping. We both notice good looking people but neither of us makes constant comments on them. It's just not a nice thing to do.

Misogynistic pig...

I know which celebs my DP fancies and he knows who I fancy so some of this would not particularly bother me. I wouldn’t like any jokes about having to do more a squats though. Bloody hell it’s not as if you don’t have enough on right now!!

In any case you have a tiny baby and your body probably feels very functional right now. So it’s not a great time for you to hear this stuff from DP. I would just communicate that to him and hopefully he’ll take it on board. My guess is he is being more thoughtless than anything else.

He sounds grim.

Out of curiosity then is he a toned Adonis? Is he physically exactly your type? As he appears to be into the big bum and big boobs aesthetic. It only seems fair if you don’t accept him as he is

I don't mind my DH saying he thinks other women are good looking, it doesn't bother me at all, and I still find other men attractive and comment if I find someone on TV sexy. I don't think it's possible or realistic to think your partner could or would switch that off because he's committed to you. But it is also normal for some people to not want to be reminded of it. You should tell him to please stop, and it's only a red flag if he keeps doing it regardless.

I would be much much more bothered by the porn. Porn is so abusive to the women in it and much of it is filmed under coercive circumstances, the performers often get awful STDs, many die young etc. My DH doesn't watch it and finds it disturbing, it's a porn lobby myth that "it's normal" and "all men do it". I used to watch porn occasionally too until I learned about how awful the industry is.

Watch the documentary "Date me a porn star" with him, and if he still watches porn after that, something's wrong with his moral compass.

He sounds grim, and I'm wondering how, despite him being good in other ways, you got this far with as to actually have a child with him.

What springs to mind is that women's bar for male behaviour is so low that internally we (and often they), think that men deserve to be rewarded for just being a normal, kind human and offering the same things a friend would. Because of this, women end up overlooking some seriously questionable things, such as their man's sexuality.

‘she’s nice’ or a ‘I can’t work out if she’s pretty or not

He asked if I thought our daughter would inherit mine or his families. I asked ‘why? Is it because your families are better?’ And he said yes

I’ve also had ‘are you going out with your hair like that?

I bet that this is just a few comments, and that there have been many more over the years that you have either brushed off or been convinced by other people were no big deal.

I'm sorry OP but I'm afraid that he's the type of man that is overly interested in other women and evaluating their sexual attractiveness, where this is their main attribute for him. His obsessive, pervy little brain focuses on women all day long, like a little boy who is constantly looking longingly a the shop window of a sweet shop. I think you need to be prepared that your physical attractiveness is your main / top positive attribute for him, and that's why you get those comments about your hair - he doesn't want you fail (in his eyes) in the one important thing he's after. Men like him are a walking liability with regards to cheating. It's only a matter of time before their female partner loses her sparkle as she ages and their man's roving monkey eyes look elsewhere.

It's to the point where he's started to think that way about his own daughter, and his comment on what she'll inherit is such a red flag. She's just a baby for God's sake, and the first man to speculate on her breast size is her own father ffs!! Think about that.

It makes me wonder if he's the type to stare at his own female relative's boobs. It's men like him that make me wonder about all those teenage girls who go through a phase of wearing big clothes and tracksuits to hide their development. I wouldn't be surprised if all of this ends up in you leaving him one day.

He sounds vile

Vile. The purpose of women for some (too many) men is as a sexual object. If they can't have that, then she must have some kind of domestic use, and if that's not obtainable either, then there's no purpose to her at all.

Honestly that is GRIM.

My daughter’s 13 and honestly it’s never occurred to me to wonder what breast size she’ll end up with. I mean yeah, I’m a woman, but I doubt most men give it much thought and even if they do, most are sensible enough not to TALK about it. I mean…

I think that looking, as in glancing at other people is fine, as long as its not staring or leering. Commenting on women's looks would annoy me, I would tell him to cut it out, commenting on your body, especially after a baby, would give me the absolute fucking rage! Its up to him if he watches porn imo, as long as he is discreet about it. It sounds like he thinks that women exist only to look good and men have an innate right to judge them. This would really piss me off, especially now that he has a daughter.

Bother me? I’d be outraged.

Yes he’s affectionate to you and a nice dad. Lots of men are without disrespectfully commenting on how attractive they find other women in front of their wives. Being a good dad or affectionate does not make the disregard for your feelings about this ok.

He should already know better than to be so rude and hurtful.

And a porn app on his phone? That’s so excessive and unusual, he’s delusional to believe that’s average or normal, it isn’t.

@CountingDownToAutumn do you comment on his physique and size of his penis?

If not, start doing so, while lining up those ducks.

No way would I let a man pull me down, let alone my husband. Someone who loves you should not berate or belittle you

Honestly he sounds like a lecherous creep....
He is leching after other women and criticising you body after you recently gave birth to his child.
He is speculating about your DD body when she grows up.
If that doesn't give you the ick ,i don't know what will.
If the tables were turned and you commented on the attractiveness of other men to him, whilst commenting on the poor quality of his cock or arse whilst he was vulnerable would it be acceptable (done whilst you oggle porn )?
Honestly he's vile.