Would my partner’s comments about other women bother anyone else?

[CountingDownToAutumn]

This has been playing on my mind a lot lately and I was hoping to kind of exorcise it by getting some other viewpoints.

Dp is amazing in so many ways. We have a 6 week old baby and he’s a great dad. He’s great with housework, does his fair share of night feeds, great with my children from a previous marriage. If I need him to help with anything for them he’ll arrange his work to make it happen. I can’t fault him in that regard.

So the problem… commenting on other women. I feel like we can’t watch anything without a ‘she’s nice’ or a ‘I can’t work out if she’s pretty or not’. I know he looks at women he finds attractive on a day to day basis. He tries his best to be discrete about it but I’ve caught him on a few occasions. I don’t tend to mention it and just pretend I haven’t noticed. It came up once in a light hearted conversation and he made a joke about how he tries to be discrete as to not make the women in question feel uncomfortable. I know he has porn apps on his phone. Again, he’s very open about this and while in itself it’s not a deal breaker for me, the picture as a whole is starting to bother me.

We have a great sex life. He tells me that he’s attracted to me and he’s very affectionate on a day to day basis. He did make a few clumsy comments recently about how I’ve lost a lot of my bum in pregnancy and I need to start squatting which he apologised profusely for when I told him it upset me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be letting this bother me. If we had no sex life and he didn’t pay me any attention it would be a different story but that’s not the case. I’m not naive. I know he’s going to find other women attractive and that’s normal. He’s just so blatant about it which makes me paranoid that he’s comparing me or he wishes I look more like whoever he’s found attractive at that precise minute. Probably doesn’t help that I currently have 2 stone of baby weight to loose.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here or would this bother anyone else?

He is talking about his daughter’s breasts? Good God he is a creep.
Do you talk about children’s penis size? Maybe you should and gauge his reaction.
I could not tolerate this creep.
It’s not normal.

"He does it discreetly so he doesn't make the women feel uncomfortable" - I mean, he could just NOT do it. You seemed to imply that this makes him somehow a better person/his behaviour less reprehensible, but I think a pretty good rule for anyone in life is that if you're behaving in a way that you know is going to make the people it's directed at feel unsafe and uncomfortable then that's a good indicator that you're being a massive creep and you should stop it.

I couldn't live with him, OP. He's revolting. Commenting on his own baby's future breasts is repulsive. He seems to have absolutely no idea how to interact with women and girls without sexualising them, extending to his own family members. He's gross.

This isn’t even occasional porn use. Something g is wrong with him, he’s regressed in age like he’s 13.

This man is yuck. He needs an intervention if it’s got to the point where he’s sexualising his own newborn.

I’d feel so trapped if I was with this loser.

In a way what would bother me about that more is the way it sounds like he's classifying women by their attractiveness. Like in your shoes I might have the conversation less about him finding other women attractive being the issue as 'women have more to them than what they look like' and his attitude seems kind of belittling and treating women like looks are all that define them.

He sees women and sexual objects and nothing more.
The problem with men like this is that I don’t see how a long term relationship can work.
How will you feel when you’re both older and he’s still perving over younger women? Because that will happen.

I know men like this who are now in their 60’s and it’s pathetic and awful for their wives.

That really is not very nice, why would he say such a thing?

Well he sounds like a disgusting pervert to me.

Either he is deliberately trying to make you feel bad or he is really thick. I suspect both. And he's going to demonstrate his nasty views of women to your daughter as she grows up.

It’s astounding!

I’d have so much ick that I would never be able to look at him again 🤣

You've heard it any times so I'm not going to repeat anything that's been said.

And he's going to demonstrate his nasty views of women to your daughter as she grows up.

However, this is something I think you should really think about.

If this is how he thinks about girls of any age, he is going to be thinking of your daughters friends in this way too. Comparing their attractiveness, wondering which will be more attractive as they get older. Looking at their mums and thinking about their breast sizes and attractiveness and wondering which of his daughters friends will have bigger/smaller breasts...

He will do these things because its in his nature. He's already shown you that this is how he evaluates women.

Would you be comfortable with that?

Would you be comfortable if your daughter was at a friend's house and her friend's dad was thinking about your daughter in the way?

Your baby is 6 weeks old so it's a difficult thought process to have and decision to make right now but I would really he giving some serious consideration to whether this is a man you want raising your daughter and around your daughter and her friends.

If this is how he thinks about girls of any age, he is going to be thinking of your daughter's friends in this way too. Comparing their attractiveness, wondering which will be more attractive as they get older. Looking at their mums and thinking about their breast sizes and attractiveness and wondering which of his daughters friends will have bigger/smaller breasts...

Would you be comfortable if your daughter was at a friend's house and her friend's dad was thinking about your daughter in the way?

Exactly, if he's like this now, speculating about his own infant daughter's breasts then goodness knows how pervy and lecherous he's going to be when she starts bringing home her teenage friends 🤮 I can just imagine him commenting on how their bodies are all developing vomit. Your partner will be known amongst her friends as the lecherous old man they all have to avoid by not going to her house.

This is so gross I dont know how you can stand it OP

OP I’m sure he has some redeeming qualities, but he really doesn’t sound very nice. He sounds very insecure, and not very sensitive to your needs and security. You are clearly thoughtful about not criticising him, and it doesn’t seem like he offers you the same consideration.

The attitude towards his daughter is quite disturbing. I think the comment on your daughter’s potential breasts is a bit odd, but your explanation makes it seem like it comes from a place of garbled and badly articulated protectiveness rather than something sexual. Even so, is it really ok that he’s already joking about being a locking her in a tower type dad, or hoping she’ll be less attractive so that she doesn’t get too much male attention? Both of those attitudes are frankly really poisonous, and for your daughter’s sake he needs to deal with them now before she’s old enough to be hurt by them.

She deserves someone who’ll make her feel strong and who’ll equip her with the skills to protect herself, and you deserve someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful and valued person in the world to him, not someone who’ll do until someone better comes along.

Given his insecurities I imagine this would be a difficult conversation, but I really think he needs to address the problems and do some work on his mental health, because none of what you’ve told us is healthy. I don’t want to jump to a suggestion to leave, but I do think his attitude is the kind of thing that kills love in the long term unless it’s dealt with.

Sickeningly I have known mums who have discussed theirs and other women’s sons penis sizes when they were babies and school starters, horrible!

Sooo many things that would turn me like sour milk at him.

1. The wondering about what his daughter's boobs will be like is creepy af.
2. The "locking her up in a tower" crap isnt sweet or cute. It's grim. And probably mainly prompted by the fact that he knows what a creep he is and assumes all men are therefore creeps.
3. The comments about other women...yuck.
4. The comments about your body...unforgivable. Only a creep would talk like that to someone theyre supposed to love.
5. The porn. I couldn't be intimate with a man who regularly watched porn. I just think its creepy and unhealthy. I know many will disagree but again...yuck.

Basically, he is a creepy creep and I couldnt fancy him if he looked like Brad Pitt in his heyday.

@CountingDownToAutumn he is obsessed with women’s bodies . Also low on self esteem .
He needs to sort out both issues . He could try counseling .
It doesn’t mean you have to put up with his dis respect . His issues shouldn’t be yours and make you feel like crap .

I wouldn’t and couldn’t be with him . However you have a new baby so I would be saying sort this with counselling or I am leaving .

I agree about the ‘locking her up in a tower’ comment.
Men who think they have some sort of ownership over their daughter’s sexuality make me sick. It just exposes them as creeps who perv over young women and view them as sexual objects. And they assume all men are like that.

So he's an insecure overweight pervert with a small penis who is concerned that his baby daughter might not have huge boobs when she grows up and is making you feel bad about your body after you have just given birth?

You've got a horrible dud there and you'd feel better off without him.

Yes there was an American celebrity - I think a musician(?) who bragged about taking his teen daughter to the doctors to monitor her virginity - he thought this was perfectly acceptable and filmed himself taking his daughter (who looked understandably uncomfortable but had obviously been conditioned to accept this as normal paternal behaviour!) and it was only when it went viral and ppl were rightly outraged that he then backtracked - massively.

There would have been many men who would have agreed with his method and he would have no doubt continued if he hadn’t been publicly shamed.

I just found the guy - it won’t let me copy the article link but is on bbc website - US rapper called ‘TI’ who took his daughter (now 18) to get her hymen checked, though he denied taking her at this age, saying she was 15 or 16 at the time, so that’s ok - look it up - it’s enraging!

Can you take a few minutes to go back and just read what you've written here? He sounds like a real creep - can you not see that?

Fucksake opt out of the ‘competition’ for a complete arsehole’s attention and protect your daughter, I wouldn’t allow a man who had said something like that to ever be in the room with my baby again. Best case scenario is he doesn’t see her as fully human, and she grows up learning that women are only valued for looks. Worse case is fucking horrendous and why would you not run a mile to protect her from even the possibility.

To quote my horrible ex…
Daughters are different for us men. They are blood. They are there to be protected.
Any other woman you meet, outside your family, can be replaced, even wife.
Every hole’s a goal, Jade!
(He used to go on and on about being a truth-teller and that other men lie!
I used to have to sit and watch him salivate over his best friend’s wife to the point where he would stare at her….)
He would often ask his daughters to given women on TV marks out of 10 for their appearance. Then he’d ask…
What about Jade out of 10?
And your mummy?
One said 10 to both of us then took me aside and said could she give me 9 as she really just wanted mummy to be a 10.
She was 7 years of age.
Or another time I was reading a magazine with a feature about women who’d been raped who had agreed to pose nude - it was all done beautifully, and to claim back their bodies.
And I kept thinking… please don’t let him see it.
He did.
One of the women was only about 25, she was very beautiful and he said…
Rape victim? Well I would give her a good f’*ck looking like that. She’s asking for it.
Or showing him a dress in Reiss - online - asking his opinion.
Jade I don’t care what you look like in it, I care what she looks like out of it.
It was relentless and too much. An ex for a reason.

Talking about your baby daughter's future breast size is grim.

I’m so glad you left him

@ThisJadeBear what a dispecable creature thats so bad it makes me wonder when I read recollections such as yours ,what the fuck happened to the abuser to turn out like that and gain such a warped attitude towards women/girls.

That's not sympathy towards abusive types it's a how the fuck did you arrive at this point.