Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

Where is he living and with whom?

@daysofpearlyspencer he is living with his Dad and Step-Mum. I am still living in our house with DS but it has been sold so we will be moving in with my parents soon as I can’t afford anywhere on my own at the moment.

So sorry this has happened I wonder if there is someone else or if he is having MH issues. Not excusing his behaviour though. You must apply for CMS, he doesn't get to just walk away.

@SilverFox96 - fatherhood has a way of sorting the men from the boys. Unfortunately, your STBXH is not man enough and has fled from the challenge. Every parent of small children has very limited freedom. It goes with the territory. You start to get a bit of time back as your children get older. But it’s very devastating for you, of course. Probably the best thing you can do is focus on getting the best deal you can through the mediation. Does he see your shared son at all?

@daysofpearlyspencerhe is currently paying for the mortgage and all bills for the house so I haven’t stressed CMS in case he stops. He hasn’t offered any money for DS until I instigated mediation and he has now offered me some money each month to cover his own back! I think he is depressed but he won’t help himself, I have suggested he see the GP or a therapist but he refuses and says he doesn’t believe in any of that. I feel he has thrown our whole life away that we had built together. I have asked him multiple times if there is someone else and he always says no, he just didn’t like the way the relationship was going and that I was controlling?

All sounds a bit dodgy and he’s obviously been gas lighting you about where he is and then making you feel guilty for checking.
It sounds like there’s more to this, after reading loads of threads on MN it screams affair.
Do you ever speak with his Dad?

Is he seeing your son?

@Deryhe has always been a wonderful husband and a doting father in the beginning. He works late hours for his job and it has always put stress on the relationship, even more so since we had our DS as I was predominantly alone, and then to find out he was choosing not to come home and lying about being at work made it even worse! Our son was breastfed, would never take a bottle and didn’t sleep well until he was about 16 months old, I feel he has left now things have gotten easier?! He is very money focused and doesn’t want to have to spend money on mediation. He previously offered me 65% of the house but has now said he wants 50/50 as I’ve gone to mediation. He sees our son EOW, and I have let him see him and have him over night whenever he has asked, within reason. But I am still doing 80% of the childcare alone.

@MrsPicklesToBeI trusted him completely and I never thought he would lie about anything? He said he was struggling mentally and needed some time to himself.. all while I was struggling with a baby at home alone! I don’t know if I will ever get the truth as he has all but cut me off and will only communicate about selling the house or arrangements for our son. I spoke to his Step-Mum at the beginning who seemed supportive but has since disappeared… they are very dysfunctional and are one of the reasons for STBXH’s lack of emotional stability.

@BeardySchnauzeryes he has been having him EOW and has some morning visits during the week before he starts work.

Tbh it sounds like he doesn’t really want to have the responsibilities of fatherhood and he doesn’t like that you are now a mother.

it’s kind of irrelevant if he’s having an affair because he’s checked out regardless.

I’m sorry he’s turned out this way but you sound very strong. He’s the one who has lost out in the long term.

@SilverFox96 - understood. Sorry! I take it back. He did rise to the challenge if fatherhood. I agree he sounds depressed. It’s such a shame he is refusing solutions that might mend him. I suspect he will come to regret this but by then it will be too late.

@BeardySchnauzerI agree, he is also never happy with anything he has. I would say we are fortunate with the life we have but he always wants more and it’s never good enough. I think he is distracting himself with the practicalities of selling the house etc but once that has gone I’m hoping he will realise. I just feel so hurt by being discarded like I meant nothing to him.

@DeryI'm not sure what I can do for him, I have always been there for him through everything and he won’t communicate with me, he has just shut down. His family are not very supportive of anything and haven’t been there for him through his life. Yet he is back living with them as that is what he has chosen.

Yes but you need to recognise this is his failing and not yours. You have a young child and relationships can falter under the strain but it’s cowardly to just walk away. Sounds like he’s sticking his head in the sand

@BeardySchnauzerI know you are right, it’s hard not to blame myself. I have had to instigate mediation and discuss divorce as he has walked away and not mentioned anything! He’s making it all my fault so he can make himself feel better. He only cares about selling the house and getting his money from it.

Maybe someone else can advise but I would imagine given the circumstances and the necessity for you to house your son you may be entitled to more than 50/50 of the house proceeds and in that case is there a way to ring fence the money so he doesn’t take half before the split is agreed?

@BeardySchnauzerI have spoken to a solicitor and know I am entitled to more due to lower wage, being primary carer for our son etc. he is now making life difficult as he doesn’t want to go to mediation. I am in touch with the solicitors for the house regarding the percentage split and have asked their advice.

@SilverFox96 this site gives an idea of what you may expect.

Thank you.

He seems to forgetting his pension too!

@RandomMesshes already addressing this telling me he knows I’m entitled to a share of his pension! Sounds like he has done his research re money etc. Just doesn’t want to discuss anything else.

Grrrr sounds like he is hoping you haven’t.

Presumably he only wants minimum time with DC so he carry on working and socialising.

It would’ve in DC best interests to have an overnight with him mid week too.

@RandomMessI have spoken to a solicitor (he doesn’t know this) and have instigated mediation as he wants to try and get me to agree to things outside of anything official.

He cannot have DS overnight during the week due to his work patterns, he works late nights so wouldn’t be around for bedtime etc.

I'm sorry to hear this. It is nearly always an OW but I'm actually not sure it is in this case as he's gone back to his step-mummy and daddy so he can be looked after and get out of any responsibility that isn't work. Some men are just dicks.