Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

Thank you so much! I am so proud of what I have achieved in the 4 months since he left! It does feel a little bittersweet though, I’ve been struggling a bit this week with my emotions, feels like it’s all got on top of me a bit!

Last time she cut it off a bit early as we weren’t getting anywhere as he just kept threatening court 🤦🏽‍♀️ just keep thinking surely it can’t be worse than that this time??

I suppose the first time he threatens court you could just say ‘I don’t think you are engaging in the mediation in good faith so court sounds like the only option’

We are actually doing shuttle mediation so won’t directly see or hear each other (I can’t sit and listen to his bullshit 🤦🏽‍♀️)

Yeah I’m going to stick to my guns this time and I’m not going to let him railroad me into agreeing with him. I have made so many allowances for him since he left, I won’t be bullied into anything anymore!

Good for you. Stick to your red lines and keep remembering the bright future ahead

has there been any progress on the house sale

He has not replied to my email I sent nearly two weeks ago replying to his email about 50/50. I suggested we out the money into a joint account the requires both signatures for withdrawal. This would allow the completion of the house which percentages are worked out in mediation. He is ignoring the estate agents who are ringing him every day and leaving messages, he has just ghosted them. We are running the risk of losing the buyers but he is refusing to engage.

Can you mention it tomorrow? Just tell him that if the account isn’t set up by end of the week then you are going to tell the estate agents you are pulling out? Can you start the application process for the account?

I will definitely be bringing it up tomorrow. He is threatening me saying if the buyers pull out then it will be bad for both of us as our mortgage goes up in September. I have looked into the application process but it would need to be a joint account, so think I may need him to also open it with me.

Well that threat goes both ways! If he doesn’t back down then he loses out too! The fact he wants the 50% and isn’t willing to ring fence it shows he’s not trustworthy

Sounds like the trash is taking itself out! Lucky you!

He seems too deluded to realise this fact 🤦🏽‍♀️ I don’t trust him whatsoever at this point. I don’t know whether it’s desperation or what but he is a loose cannon. He will latch on to insignificant things and blame me for everything! Every communication from me is seen as an attack on him, I feel like I can’t win.

maybe see if you can get the mediator to set out to him that if the house sale falls through and you end up in court it’s going to cost him a lot of money

has he disclosed all his other finances?

He is well aware of this. I think he is almost calling my bluff and thinks if he just doesn’t engage with anything, I will get scared and just agree to the 50/50!

The mediator said we will need to go through financial disclosure before finances are spoken about. We haven’t started this process yet as we didn’t get anywhere in the last session with arrangements for our son as he didn’t engage at all!

It sounds like it’s a waste of time and money but hopefully tomorrow will be better

Luckily I don’t have to pay as I get legal aid, so quite happy to let him waste his money if he’s not willing to engage!

Oh that’s good - but I think the waste of time is yours - you’re moving on and the more this is dragged on the longer it will take for you to start afresh

I completely agree, but unless we sort arrangements through mediation, nothing will get sorted and I’m not sure where to go from here! He is dragging his heels and prolonging this, which makes no sense as he walked away and doesn’t want me in his life anymore! You would think he would want this over as quickly as possible?

Will the legal aid cover court?

I don’t know the process - are you obliged to try a certain amount of mediation? I know it makes sense if you can agree everything amicably but I’m not sure how you can amicably agree anything with a person you don’t know anymore

I think you really, really, need to bite the bullet and get a shit hot lawyer (solicitor) even if you have to borrow the money from your parents. The divorce settlement is the foundation of your future snd you will need every penny you can get to protect your child and your chil’s interest.

Mediation, like therapy, doesn’t work ehen ine party is very selfish, cruel, ill intentioned, or delusional. You won’t be able to come to a good settlement because he isn’t interested in equity or kindness. He is dumping you and your child and trying to escape. In his mind you are preventing him from leaving with everything. So you are the enemy. He isn’t negotiating with you. He’s just trying to get more than his share by whatever means necessary.

Stop veing afraid of the courts. The worst that would happen is they could give him 50/50 of the house proceeds. But they might also assign you some of his pension. His dity to support his son—a duty he owes to his son—exists whatever the disposition of property is. Get that sorted out as soon as you can.

Fantastically well done on getting your teacher training place!!!! Good luck tomorrow. 💐🤞💐

Well done on your achievement.

I hope you get everything you deserve. He's thinking you're a fool. Thank goodness you're wise.

I think he just wants to ‘win’

Another update:
We had our second session of mediation today. Surprisingly he came in quite agreeable which I wasn’t expecting and said he doesn’t want to put us through the stress and trauma of court 🙄 we managed to agree on arrangements for DS which I suppose was productive.

We also came to an agreement about the split of the house - the mediator advised that whatever split we agreed on may not be the final outcome as assets etc will be divided after financial disclosure.

The next session will focus on finances after we have both done the disclosure. I am happy with the progress but just feels so frustrating that he is saying one thing behind my back and treating me like crap, then nice as pie and agreeable in front of the mediator! I called him out on his crap and he folded instantly.

The mediator pointed out that there will be more disagreements in the future which I accept, and that we need to be able to communicate and work through them together. However if we could have done that then we wouldn’t be in this situation!

Well that is the point of the mediator I suppose. Good that he was being more reasonable and hopefully you can get the house sold

things are still raw so it will be tough but once the divorce is finalised hopefully there will be less antagonism and you can move forward with a healthy co parenting relationship

The house is sold, was just trying to complete as he wouldn’t agree on a percentage split but can all go ahead now. I am officially moving out next weekend.

I seem to be flirting between good riddance and I miss him, even after everything he’s done. I can’t help but feel bitter that he seems to just have gotten away with the lying and walking out, the injustice is hard to swallow.

It is hard - you just need to remember that the man you married is gone. Who knows why - it doesn’t really matter now

busy week packing then!!!