Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

I guess the mediator was able to point out truths to him that he just wouldn't accept from you. Infuriating for sure, but you're a big step forward now.

Had a rocky few days. Feel like I’ve descended into sadness again. Even though I am moving forward and doing what I need to, I miss him. I miss that company, I miss having someone who loved me and cared for me. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

We have had a few ‘friendly’ conversations on the doorstep during handover. It almost makes it feel worse as we can talk now but he wouldn’t sit down and talk about anything 4 months ago. He’s turned into the ‘Disney dad’ who can suddenly do everything for our DS, none of which he was capable of before.

It’s ok to feel that way - acknowledging your feelings helps you get past them. Moving house is an emotional time anyway so this will be hard. Nit you can do it and it will be easier to move forward once you are out of the marital home and planning your new life

Grit your teeth and remember it’s good for your son for his dad to be an engaged parent. I hope it lasts

you’ll get through this and be a better person for it

Feels like I’m losing the final piece of the puzzle with the house. Just feels like so much loss for 10 years hard work. He’s thrown it all away and I still don’t know why? I m not showing any of this to him, he wouldn’t care. I got a little bit upset during mediation and he just stared at the wall, couldn’t even look at me. I’m glad he’s being a good parent for our son, just feels like a kick in the teeth to the man I experienced.

I know - it isn’t easy. Remember you are grieving - perhaps at some stage you could talk to a counsellor to give yourself some closure

I know, just having a couple of down days! He is also having our son for a week in a couple of weeks and I am really dreading it, I have never been away from him that long and he’s not even 2 yet. Not sure how I am going to cope! I will definitely look into it at some point just feel like I’ve barely had a second with everything going on 😫

You’re allowed to have down days! It must still feel like a rollercoaster!

for the week your son is away make a plan of people to see and things to do that you wouldn’t normally be able to do with a little one. You’ll be at your parents by then?

I follow an amazing poster on Instagram called ‘Rachel Starting Over’ she has two kids and has had to battle for everything.
She has charged her journey about solo time when the kids are with their father and followers really engage with her story/advice.
29 is such a time of change for any woman I find and you miss the familiarity as it’s all you’ve known. But you’ve also spent all of these years with someone who wasn’t right for you.
One of my friends was left with a new baby. He had the big career and she worked part time and he battled over every penny. He then had more kids and…. left them, too.
My friend got married again to the nicest loveliest guy, built a career and had more children. That all started over 2 decades ago and we often discuss how hard it was, but also how it changed her life for the better.
Well done on your new career. You are going to be a brilliant teacher and your experiences here will help that in so many ways.
I am so glad you have good family and friends - they make all the difference.
I can promise you one day you will look having made so much progress and it will become distant history.

Thank you for the support, I work part time but will ask my work I can come in extra days that week to keep me distracted! I will be at my parents, I just feel so bad as feel like my mood brings them down too.

I have currently come off of all social media, but will look her up! I have found listening to podcasts helpful and makes me feel a little less alone in those hard moments.

I never thought this would ever be a possibility for us, we had always got through life’s ups and down last together. I didn’t think he would walk away from us. I feel like I am starting over from scratch as everything I had was with him.

I do love hearing these stories where people come out the other side of all of this. I am hoping that will be me one day and as you said, view this as a chapter of my life, not the end of it. I am very lucky to have the people I do around me and I try not to take them for granted. I am terrified at this new step in my career but I’m determined to do it for my son.

They’ll be feeling really sad and worried for you. But once you are with them I’m sure they’re support will strengthen you and things will improve

I found Rachel via this. Fantastic podcast.
Lean on your parents, it’s not forever. You need the support and they want to help.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-divorced-and-better-podcast/id1779968748

When my ExH left me for OW, my children were age 2 and 5. He started to have them overnight for weekends and I was distraught, I couldn’t stay in the house alone and had to go and sleep at my mums. Fast forward a couple of years and I actually looked forward to having time to catch up with jobs, have a lie in and have a social life as a single woman. Whatever he gets up to now (maybe OW, who knows) you don’t have to concern yourself, you only need to focus on you and your little one. My children see very little of their dad now they are teens. You’ll get there OP, just give yourself a little time. 💐

A week seems like a really long time for your child to be separated from you, how did that plan come about?

Is he taking him away or just having him at home?

He has asked for three separate weeks with our DS throughout the year on top of when he sees him now for holidays etc. I asked for this to build up so he has done 3 nights so far but with his work schedule there isn’t much scope to build it up any further. The mediator suggested to try it and see how he gets on.

He is taking him camping for two nights and the rest just day activities. DS will still be going to the childminders two days of the week to keep routine so don’t actually be a full week!

Ok. Well that’s good - it means if your DS is missing you then it’s easier enough to see you

I will still be away from him for 7 nights though 😢 and I don’t think STBXH would actually tell me if DS was struggling. I was going to ask for regular FaceTime calls but actually think that would upset DS more - out of sight, out of mind and all that.

what's the longest your ex goes without seeing your DS?

He has two mid week visits and has him overnight for two nights EOW. So no longer than 3 days. I took DS away Mon-Fri in April so he didn’t see him then (was booked before separation)

why Is he pushing for a full week then? Is it in your son’s interests?

Not much of what he has suggested is in DS’s interest to be honest. I understand that STBXH would like as much time with him but it would often require DS to be significantly out of his routine etc. I have tried to be as flexible as possible while still trying to hold some boundaries for DS, u fortunately I often come off as the bad person.