Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. The best advice I can give you is based on my own regrets: I thoroughly wish I'd just told him to fuck off rather than wasting a couple of years trying to get him help or resolve it.

At the end of the day, couples go through good times, bad times and MH issues and my current husband always pulls closer during rough times.

I spent so long hand wringing and crying and trying to sort therapists for someone who ultimately decided the solution to all his problems was to get away from me. I regret that so much.

Youre 29. I know how immensely difficult this is believe me. But just say "fine, bye then" and focus 100% on you and your little ones. If you don't feel strong, pretend you do. Fake it till you make it.

Get your ducks in a row. Work out finances. Sort things with the kids. Life as a single mum is tough, yes, but also bloody amazing. Best times of my life was just me and my son.

If your dh wants to sort himself out, let him come and beg you back. If he doesn't, you'll end up with a better life. No one needs a weak partner who abandons. And yes, those people can have very loving qualities.

Good luck op.

Thank you for your advice. I regret doing the pick me dance for the first month, every time I saw him I would descend into begging and pleading for this not to happen. He did not respond to seeing how he had broken me and it would break me more every time. We are basically no contact unless it’s about the house or our son.

I am currently faking it until I can make it during every hand over or drop off! The hardest thing I’ve had to I but I will not let him get the satisfaction of having a reaction from me anymore. HE is the one missing out on our son’s life, I will rebuild and he will alone and miserable as per his choice. I can’t see him ever sorting himself out to be honest, he genuinely doesn’t see that there is anything wrong and he is too proud to beg. I know I am better off without him, the heart just needs to catch up.

I am so happy you found your happy ending, it sounds like you deserve it.

I am not doubting the pressure, but this was HIS choice. I spoke about progressing in my job to help out with money, he didn’t want me to, when returning from maternity leave, I said I would go back full time, he wanted me to go back part time and spend the time with our son.

I wish I knew why he chose to do that. I was unaware it was even happening for a year until I accidentally found out. Most of that year I was actually on maternity leave.

This sounds like hippy bullshit, but it really isn't about him. It's about you. I know that feels almost impossible to understand when you're living in it but when you look back 5 years 10 years you will honestly not give a monkeys what he was thinking or feeling.

What you will care about is how much you loved and respected yourself. Bad things happen to us. How well we love ourselves is so important, because that's your real safety in life.

If something like this happens of course you cry and beg. That's completely normal because objectively it's crazy behaviour that's got no explanation that you can see. Any normal, healthy person would fight to protect their marriage and family.

But you need to make a very difficult and very brave pivot: he's not fighting to protect his marriage and family. In fact, he's probably badmouthing you to his parents. Not because you're bad, but because he's a people pleaser and a coward and he will need to be thought of as the good guy.

He's not on your side anymore. And you've got years to come to terms with why, or how or the pain caused to you. But right now in the moment you've got to become your own protector. You're the one who needs it.

I'm a particulary loyal and loving person so my head got really fucked up because I felt it was my job to love him, save him, fix it and in doing that I abandoned myself. I really do regret that because I deserved to be loved by me, even if not by him.

Unfortunately you may never get a full explanation. He may come back begging and fix whatever has gone on. He may not. My Dad is a man of very few words who said to me at the time "we don't know if he's MIA or KIA". In my case it turned out he was the latter.

Please don't be scared. I'm sure you feel very scared. I think evolutionaryily were not designed to be abandoned, especially with a wee one, but I cam honestly tell you that being a single mum was bloody brilliant. The honour of my life.

You dont know what's next, but just believe that the weakness of this man is his own loss. Us women are so often left to carry the gaps in their capacities. They so often look outside for blame.

Enjoy every minute with your ds. Find your strength x

Nice easy job with little pressure? Honestly the whole strain of being the breadwinner should have led him to talk to his wife. Not just hide in his car because he might be asked to put the baby to bed

He did not just sit in his car for a couple of minutes, this was HOURS on end. Please leave this post if you have nothing constructive to say.

Harshly put but perhaps true in part. It sounds like the reality of being the breadwinner was very different to what he imagined. OP says she offered to go back to work FT and he said not to. And he then appears to have regretted that choice.

The sensible thing would have been to come home, for them to talk and work out a game plan that worked for everyone. OP sounds reasonable and it doesn't sound like she would have doubled down and refused to contribute more.

Look you absolutely need to detach from this. He’s chosen to step away. MH, other woman really doesn’t matter the outcome is the same. He does not want a full time life with you and your son.
You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. Nothing will bring “your view” of what life was like back.
Sounds like a good plan to sell and move with family initially.

But it’s only “self destructing his whole life that we have built together” from your perspective. He (and most men) don’t think that way. They are inherently selfish and put themselves first. If they feel like family life is oppressive and holding them down from achieving their potential, they have no qualms in walking away from it. A male friend abandoned a 15-year relationship seemingly overnight, out of boredom, with no regard for the fact his wife will be financially ruined from the split (he earns 90% of the household income). It’s shocking behaviour, but very very common.

I hate the idea of bunching men together as ny dh and ds would never, ever, ever behave like this but sadly I do think it's common.

Men are predisposed to blaming external circumstances for their interior state and they do commonly just walk out of their lives.

Maybe it's because women are biologically designed to care for kids. God knows. But I've known people over the years to just abdicate their life.

Women are no more 'biologically designed' to not abandon their children as men. Women are completely socially shunned if they do whereas it's common for men and nobody bats an eyelid.

Nothing biological at play here just old fashioned misogyny.

I was more than happy to find a different job and contribute more financially, it was always never an option. Unless we had an argument and then money was always brought up! He could never sit down and communicate about anything, everything was bottled up and then used to explode.

We have our first mediation session tomorrow, I’m dreading it.

Don't dread it OP. This is the first step to the start of the rest of your wonderful life. Go into it with hope and positivity for your future and your DS future. Wish you all the best. You've got this 🌻

Thank you, I just can’t help thinking how things could have been so different. We are doing shuttle mediation where you don’t see or speak to each other. Just feels like madness that we have spent 10 years together and it’s come to this. So sad.

I hope it goes well for you today @SilverFox96, we are rooting for you here on Mumsnet. Stand up for what you and your son deserve and don't be pushed into accepting anything less. Hold your head up high and know that you are doing this for your son. Stay calm and show the mediators that you are being reasonable.

Thank you for the support 💐
I have woken up with lots of mixed emotions but need to try and stay strong.
I will post an update to let you all know how it goes.

Wishing you all the best @SilverFox96 Reading your posts you are handling this very classily in the face of a dreadful betrayal from STBXH

His parents should have told him to man the fuck up, deal with his responsibilities and sent him back.

Unfortunately this is not something they would ever do, I am unsure of how much they actually know or whether he has even spoken to them much about it to be honest.

Hope it went ok today and you are ok, it sounds like a really difficult time OP. Unfortunately sometimes the men we think we know & can rely on reveal themselves to be entirely different. That is a huge shock and it takes time to get over. Thinking of you.