Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

This.

I had a work colleague who confided in me that he was spending a few evenings a week in a lay by on the way home sobbing. Outwardly he seemed fine, good at his job, friendly and seemingly in a good marriage with children. He was the main breadwinner and the stress of that and as it turned out the stress of his job basically became too much. He had bottled up his feelings and had talked to no one about it until he confessed to me one lunch break. He hated his life, felt he was working non stop, felt unappreciated, life was just a grind, resentment that he was the only one bringing in an income etc. I encouraged him to take some time off work and thankfully we had a very supportive employer. He finally spoke to his wife about his feelings and between them worked through the crisis. He was definitely having a mental health episode but at least he was willing to work through it and be proactive. He did say he was tempted to just run away but he knew that was not a solution. He ended up retraining in a new role and his wife took on a part time job. A tough few years for them but they are still together.

Thank you. I think I need to prepare myself for a long battle as he was willing to compromise or mediate on anything, his mind was fixed. The thing is his actions are just making it easier to detach myself from him as he is showing no respect for me at all in all of this.

People may disagree with me here, but I found being angry made me more productive than being sad. I hated that he had robbed me of my autonomy by just walking out and mostly how he felt it was ok to walk out on his children!

No, never had to go to court personally but did a court order which outlined the financial order, including maintenance; I have heard too many horror stories about CMS so wanted the maintenance for the children to be court ordered so if he breached I could take him to court.

@SilverFox96 - great advice above. If you can’t get Legal Aid, you might find a divorce lawyer willing to be paid at the end of the process. But i mainly came on to say that you sound amazing. And i love that you can say you love him but you won’t let him treat you this way and that his poor behaviour is making you like him less. You sound very emotionally healthy.

And that first month begging him to stay was completely fine especially given you have very small DCs and this appears to be about his mental health not an OW. You know you’ve done what you could to prevent this. I have a strong feeling that in time he will massively regret this but it will be far too late; he’s already done too much damage.

I think he’s been lying to you about the mental health stuff to make you feel sorry for him and therefore “easier” for him to deal with.

Sorry OP.

find your anger and lawyer up.

Yes I agree, anger almost makes it easier. It’s taken me almost 4 months to get here but I’m finally waking up and realising what he has done to our family.

I don’t know if he is just trying ti scare me or genuinely wants to take me to court. He has said throughout that he doesn’t want to go to court as he doesn’t want to spend the money, now all of a sudden it’s all he can say! He wants to organise maintenance ourselves but I don’t trust him anymore, I see my only option as going through the CMS, unless it can be addressed in mediation and/or court.

Thank you so much, I haven’t felt it the couple of months to be honest, I feel like I have been a mess! But I’m trying to pull myself together for my DS who deserves none of this. I’ve realised I have no other option but to go through this so just trying to keep my head held high and not give him the reaction he wants from me.

Watching his disregard for me in those moments was crushing. He didn’t care how upset, broken or helpless I felt, even if he had made his decision it was the way he went about it. So cold and unfeeling. He will have to live with his decision and I want to be able to live with mine knowing I did everything I could.

I have no idea what to believe anymore, he’s shown I can’t trust him either way by lying for a year, no matter the circumstances.

Go to court, then you have a CAO in place he can’t control you through your DS if you want to take holidays etc, CAO can be very specific and helpful on handover instructions too. Get a solicitor asap. Use his pension as a negotiating point to get more capital from the house sale. Focus on you and your DS and stop thinking about why he has done this. This is the negotiation of your life so you need to focus on that with legal help.

Dont sell the house until you have an agreement on % split, including the pension. Ask him for a formal pension valuation.

Looks like I’m going to have no choice about court. I am worried to put it in the hands of the judge though as never know the outcome. Good advice about the pension, thanks.

I am going to stop wallowing and pull myself together, get through this mess and focus on moving on with my life.

Does he have a stressful job? Has he had a break down of sorts?

Awful for you that he won’t talk at all. He could be severely depressed or he’s found someone else.

I wouldn’t say it was overly stressful, long hours (but I’ve since found out he wasn’t spending a lot of those hours actually at work!). On the outside it doesn’t look like he’s had a breakdown but who knows what’s going on inside his head.

He has just picked DS up as he has him overnight and he didn’t look at or say anything to me. Yet yesterday was threatening court in mediation.

We are going to do financial disclosure, so assuming this will all be encompassed in that?

The solicitors for the house have said they can’t complete until they have a signed letter from both of us stating the percentage split.

Update:
I have been researching solicitors today but not sure I qualify for legal aid, I’m now worried about how much a solicitor might cost me if he takes me to court. There is an option to get help with funding but again not sure if I qualify. Having a call from gov.com tomorrow to explore different options.

That sounds good about finding out what your options are. Be as prepared as you can be, I have the feeling that you will have a few more suprises from him. Considering how quickly he went from super-depressed to knowing exactly what he wants, it seems like he has been planning this for a while. Your emotions are probably all over the place and at times it may seem impossible that he is not the man you thought you knew.

Put yourself & ds first when you waver - think how you stayed emotionally loyal to someone who benefitted from your loyalty & care and hasn’t protected your heart in return.

I also agree that this isn’t the last of the nonsense he is going to come out with. He seems to be scrambling and desperate and very unpredictable at the moment.

He is not a silly man and can be very calculated at times. I have witnessed it throughout the years but never had it so directed at myself before, how naive of me to think he would never turn on me like that!

I am trying my best to stay level headed and keep DS at the forefront of every decision. Someone very wise said to me you need to move your son more than you dislike your STBXH. I am fast realising I can only depend on myself.

Our house is ready to complete and the buyers are chasing us. I don’t want to agree to a 50/50 split but I don’t want the house sale to fall through! He is telling me to agree and can split the money in mediation, however once he has that money there is no way I’m seeing any of it!

Surely it has to go into some joint holding account
See a solicitor

Our solicitors have told us they only deal with conveyancing and can’t hold the money! I have rang 4 solicitors who can’t help as they’re not the ones dealing with the house. I have seen you can have a joint bank account where you both have to sign to release the money so that may be an option while we go through mediation? He’s not replying to anything though and the buyers are pushing 🤦🏽‍♀️

But as sellers, you have to tell them where to put the money. And as far as I’m aware you both have to agree

Do not complete, you will regret it for years to come if you do. You can find new buyers but you won’t be able to access the money if he spends it or hides it. Be honest with the buyers, they may be willing to wait.

Yes we have to agree, he has gone radio silent because I won’t agree to the 50/50.

I’m not going to, he is threatening me telling me it will be bad for both of us if we lose the buyers. Our mortgage goes up in September and he’s using this as a threat!

Then you have the upper hand! Refuse to complete unless it goes where you want it to, or you get the split you want and your own account