Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

I’m going to that person. It isn’t most men. You could say ‘higher percentage of men than women’ but it definitely isn’t most.

I mean this gently but no one mentally well sits in Morrisons car park for hours on end rather than come home, so it was clear at that point ne wasn’t coping any more. I suspect putting the house on the market was deceptive, it was his exit plan.

im not sure what the stress was at home, just your baby didn’t sleep and was breastfed? So I’d assume it’s a much bigger mental health issue and depression is likely. He needs to see a doctor.

I agree, of course ifs not most men, I suspect the poster is projecting due to their own issues, sometimes it’s easier to think it’s most men, rather than that man.

in this instance I also don’t think this is about him being disinterested or a heartless tosser, I’d say he’s very unwell mentally if he’s been spending most evenings sitting in his car in the car park for hours rather than go home as he can’t face it. The house sale is prob just a focus point as eveything else has fallen apart. Plus now he’s done it, he likely wants it done/

Pressure of being the main breadwinner? I don’t personally know anyone who went back to work full time after maternity leave. Most couples with kids I knew/know, it was just taken as a given that the mum would be SAH, and then maybe a part time job after a few years. It was standard, and expected that the dad would be the main or only breadwinner. This is normal working class families with average jobs as well, not only well off couples.

Update on mediation:
we both proposed our wishes, I compromised a lot on what I initially wanted. He said if I didn’t agree to what he said he would take me straight to court.

Don’t waste your time - just see him in court. You’ve shown willingness and he’s shown none

He is trying to railroad me into agreeing with him as he thinks I’m scared of court. He is a bully and hates not getting his own way. Within reason I couldn’t have made any more concessions for him but it’s still not good enough.

What did the mediator suggest?

Basically he currently has EOW (Sat/Sun), and two mid week visits as I work part time. In September I’m going back to work full time due to the circumstances and he will lose one of those mid week visits. Therefore he asked for every Friday night too, I agreed to his weekend but not to mine as it would break up my weekend, the only time I would get outside of work and childcare. He said he would take me straight to court. His parents look after our DS one day a week (this is where he has one mid week visits as he’s living there). The mediator suggested that they do two childcare days to allow him to see DS the extra day, they said they would think about it. If they say no he said he’s going to court.

And money? I assume he’s also being an arse there!!

i don’t know what courts agree to but once your son is at school I assume it is reassessed?

I would be extremely worried about his mental health and wellbeing. At the same time, I accept that the OP has to make some practical decisions for herself and her son. But, surely, the door can be left open for this man if he gets some proper, professional help?

He hasn’t offered any money until mediation and doesn’t want to go through CSA. Has withdrawn his initial offer of money from the house and now wants 50/50, however I earn significantly less and have our son 80% if the time. I am not sure to be honest, I would assume so.

I have repeatedly tried to help him, it has been ignored or unanswered. I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. He doesn’t believe in depression or therapy/anti depressants. I’m not sure how I can leave the door open once our home as been sold and now he wants to take me to court? He has destroyed our family and everything we have built together.

At this stage I can’t see how OP could ever take him back. It’s very sad if he is having a breakdown but he’s chosen to turn away from his wife and she needs to protect herself

I still love him dearly but I cannot let him treat me like this. MH cannot excuse everything he has done and is intent on doing. I find it very sad as he is going to live a very lonely, unfulfilled life.

I think it would actually help both of you to get the divorce and settlements dealt with asap.

if he is having a mental health crisis it will take away the ‘reason’ - he will have to face it. And if it’s just him being an arse then you’ve managed to disentangle quickly to get on with your life!!

i was hoping mediation was going to help with this, but he seems to be dragging it out. We barely addressed anything in 90 mins today, wasn’t Beth productive!

At this point, I just want to move on and try and focus on rebuilding mine and DS’s lives. He doesn’t sound like he’s going to let that happen very easily!

I’d speak to your solicitor - there’s no point going to mediation if he’s not engaging positively

I haven’t got a solicitor yet but will be ringing around to find one ASAP. I think I may qualify for legal aid due to low earnings so need to do some research.

Maybe ask on legal or in local if anyone has a suggestion or can help on the legal aid point

Good idea! This is my first ever post on MN and I wasn’t exciting any replies to be honest!

So sorry you’re going through this @SilverFox96- I went through similar with my ex DH. Our twins were a few months old and he basically checked out. Started working late or staying in hotels saying he was “tired”! Like I wasn’t tired!

There wasn’t an other woman but he was indulging in talking to other women on dating apps. It was as if he wanted to be foot loose and fancy free whilst I raised the kids!

I got sad and then I got angry. Got a good solicitor. Our arrangement was EOW and like yours mine had moved back in with his parents so had no steady home to bring kids into as they wouldn’t have allowed more than EOW. He was so enthralled with dating new women at this point he didn’t want to engage in the legal process of divorce so basically signed the equity of the house over to me (something he later regretted and hates me for). But he pushed and pushed for me to sell our family home so he didn’t have to contribute towards the mortgage. This was all whilst I was raising two 1 year olds and adjusting to returning to work.

Fast forward a few years and me and the twins are in our own home and I love it. The EOW arrangement continues (at his request) and so I don’t feel bad at all for taking what I could in the divorce because I’m the one doing the lions share of parenting 12 days out of 14. I am no longer angry at him but I’ll never forgive him for what he put me through.

wishing you all the very best. It’s hard when your heart is breaking but stop seeing him as anything but the person who could potentially financially ruin you and fight for everything x

So sorry to hear what you went through. I appreciate hearing your story. It’s awful how these men can just check out from family life, yet we don’t have much of a choice (not that I ever would have chosen to anyway!)

The longer this carried on and the more he tried to twist the knife, the sadness is being taken over by anger. How dare he do this to us. First thing tomorrow I will be looking up solicitors and getting the ball rolling. Can I ask if you had to go to court?

So glad to hear you and your twins are happy in your own hope, makes me feel like there is hope out there for me and DS x

Hm so he showed up to mediation on time and argued his case for seeing your child…

OP I don’t think these are the actions of someone with horrific mental health..

Also get a solicitor ASAP you’re going to need one with this bully throwing his weight around.

Yes this is what is confusing as he has been razor sharp in all of his decisions throughout regarding the house sale etc. I was adamant he was depressed with bad MH but I’m not so sure anymore?

It’s the first thing on my list to do today, STBXH is collecting DS this morning so got a free day to find one and will start ringing around tomorrow.