Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

Yes agree - he’s pretending here. Tell him it goes to the joint account where both need to agree withdrawal or you are happy to pull out until financial settlement made.

he is still liable for the mortgage and it’s not in his interest to stop paying it.

He has definitely been making plans while claiming to be depressed - he must think himself so clever musn’t he. Don’t trust him OP and do not agree to any house sale before you have a legally binding agreement on the split and a shared account!

Yes this is what I have told him but haven’t heard anything back yet. I know he won’t stop paying the mortgage, he is trying intimidate me and use the house as a threat. When he first walked out he was agreeable to everything but now he is gunning for me and trying to get to me however he can. Won’t say a word to my face though!

Funny what ‘depressed’ people can do isn’t it! He’s had lots of time in his hands while I’ve been caring for our DS alone! I don’t trust him at all and I’ve all but told him this politely in my email. He’s already turned up to mediation about our son and is trying to call the shots, I will not be letting him walk all over me which sounds like he was expecting to get away with!

Do not complete at 50/50.
Let him blink first.

If pressed tell him you want to hold 80 he can have 20 and you'll "settle up later"
I'd then be willing to move to 75/25 in your favour.

He tricked you into part time work and left you with a baby!!!!! You need these assets as its going to be much harder to rebuild.

Since I said I won’t be accepting 50/50 he’s gonna radio silent.. probably scrambling to find a way to bully me into it! He had offered me 65/35 all along which I had accepted and then changed his mind when I instigated mediation, controlling prick.

He earns 4 times what I earn and he has left me to financially support our DS and is trying to convince me not to go through the CSA. The only reason I haven’t at the moment is he has been paying for the house and while I’m still living here I didn’t want o do anything to stop him doing that. I have explained the disparity in our finances but he doesn’t seem to think that comes in to anything. He doesn’t care about what mine and DS’s lives are now going to look like.

He thinks he’s being so smart right now, thinks he can bully you into taking 50% due to the time pressure, potential loss of buyers, and mortgage up for renewal. It’s his last ditch attempt to try and control you and screw you over financially. I would guess he is the kind of person who is used to getting his own way…. and is used to talking you around to his way of thinking.

Hold firm, do not budge, do not let him bully you. The only way you agree to complete is if it goes into a joint account that neither of you can you can touch until the financial agreements are binding.

He is using anything he can against me or to control me at this point. I think he’s scrambling as it’s not working and he doesn’t know what to do. He thinks I’m weak. He definitely likes getting his own way, you’ve got him spot on!

I am not going to budge, I have suggested the money goes into an account where we both have to sign to withdraw and then can decided percentages in mediation. This seems the most sensible option but he has not replied to my email and is not engaging with the estate agents.

Stay strong. You cannot give bullies an inch.

Hope you are okay, OP. Can I just ask though why you are hoping for more than 50%? I think 50/50 is normally the norm. I can understand why he wants 50% if he has been paying the entire mortgage and all the household bills. Unless it is a little more complicated and you put down more deposit etc.

If you read her posts, they quite clearly, multiple times, explain why.

He manipulated OP into a part time job and a house sale leaving her with majority custody of their baby

divorce courts will look at need and the need to house their child will need to be considered

Do you have a solicitor? If not, is there a Law Centre near you? If it goes to court request your costs from him.
Agree with PPs about finding your anger.
I'm ashamed to say I also did the pick me dance for a while. It was all out of the blue and I couldn't believe it was happening. I thought he'd snap out of it.
Then he did something at mediation that roused the beast. Guess he's lived to regret that.
You are doing your best and putting your son first which he is not. More power to you.

I’m curious to know if he has mentioned your child in all of this. If he only mentioned him as a reason to stay together that says a lot

I have spoken to a solicitor and she said I should get a larger share if the house due to my lower earning capacity and need to house myself and our DS. I am not asking for an unreasonable amount, but he earns quadruple what I earn. I am also part time due to providing childcare for the family since our DS was born.

I have spoken to a solicitor and she said I should get a larger share if the house due to my lower earning capacity and need to house myself and our DS. I am not asking for an unreasonable amount, but he earns quadruple what I earn. I am also part time due to providing childcare for the family since our DS was born.

I have spoken to a solicitor but haven’t instructed one officially. Will look into the law centre, thanks for the advice.

I think I am almost past anger and have gone into a stage of numbness. I can’t explain it. I think of him and I feel sad but I don’t cry, I feel empty. I am enjoying times with our DC and still hate when he’s not with me, before the separation we spent 90% of time together due to STBXH’s working hours. It is strange when he is not around and the thing I’m finding the hardest.

I used to delude myself into thinking he would just come home one day and admit his mistakes and we would run off into the sunset together. How wrong I was. I am now trying to put all of my effort into myself and my DC, he is thriving and growing up and changing every day. He is 2 in July and STBXH is missing out on so much with him. I just find it so sad. I have my interview for teacher training next week and I am so nervous but trying to put aside everything else to focus on that!

He asks how he is now and then. He didn’t at the beginning. It wasn’t until I repeatedly brought up that he didn’t ask about him that he started to, he now does every now and then when we remembers or if he needs to ask something that benefits himself. He said it wasn’t worth staying together for our son.

I feel like I have been doing really well the last couple of weeks and thought I had turned a corner. I have been so sad the last couple of days and just missing him so much. Even after everything he has done. I miss the feeling of being loved and having someone there, someone to come home to. I have had my interview for my teacher training and it feels bittersweet. I am so proud of myself for going for it but he has no idea I’m even doing it. Once upon a time he would have been cheering me on from the sidelines.

I’m sorry. It’s really tough and you are grieving the man he used to be.

well done on the interview and good luck!!

Of course you are grieving what you've lost, I'm so sorry. But you are doing brilliantly, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Don't lose sight of how well you are doing. Total stranger here who is really, really proud of you.

It’s strange how it hits me in the smallest of moments. I just cannot understand what happened to him and how he got to where he is now. I feel like I stood up and married the man who is now intent on ruining my life.

Thank you! Will update if I hear anything, fingers crossed 🤞🏼

Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot! I am trying to focus on my future but sometimes the last catches up with me and takes me off guard. It has been nearly 4 months since he left, we had never been away from each other longer than a few days in the 10 years we were together. It hurts and the loneliness hits me sometimes. Even though I know I am better off without him, I just cannot see where it all went wrong.

Little update:
I got the teacher training position! So happy and determined to have the best life for myself and DS.
However, our second mediation session is looming tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what he comes out with this time.

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

well done - you’re on the up!!!

I know tomorrow will be hard but just stand your ground. I don’t know how mediators behave in these sessions but will they tell you if they think it’s not going anywhere?