Husband lied to me for a year… and then walked out on me and our son.

[SilverFox96]

Hi, just looking for some advice or emotional support.

Have been with my DH for 10 years, married for 3 and have a nearly 2 year old DS. Just before Christmas I found out that he had been lying about working late for a whole year, instead of coming home he told me he was sitting in Morrisons car park instead as he couldn’t face the stress of coming home. I found out by looking through his work phone, he was very angry at me for doing so and says he can’t trust I won’t do it again.

He has always been a loving, hardworking man but has changed since we had our DS. He is withdrawn, uninterested in our life and says he has no freedom. After finding out about his lies he cried and begged me not to leave him, saying he will do anything, I asked for his location which he gave for a week and then said I was controlling and manipulative for asking.

4 weeks later, we put our house up for sale to move closer to family and 6 days later he walked out and didn’t come back. It’s now been 3 months and he will barely communicate, if he does it’s via very formal emails or crappy texts. I am embarrassed to say I begged and did the pick me dance for the first month.

I am distraught, he says there is no one else but it doesn’t make sense to me. We are now going to mediation over our son and finances as he won’t talk to me. He says there is nothing to talk about. He is angry we are going to mediation as it will cost him money as I get legal aid so won’t have to pay.

@ConverselyAttiredI don’t know what to think! Other than work he was always with us at home, so if there is can only be someone at work? His Dad does everything for him, cook, clean, wash his clothes… it’s pathetic!

He's a pathetic weak child. Men take care of their families. They don't abandon them the first time the going gets tough.

He also walked out for 4 days shortly after DS turned 1. He only came back as my car broke that week 🤦🏽‍♀️ I feel stupid for missing him.

he sounds quite controlling too, punishing you saying he wants 50/50 now because you’re going to mediation?! It sounds like it might get messy but make sure you get what you’re entitled to! In hindsight you shouldn’t have agreed to sell the house.

@MrsPicklesToBehe hasn’t explicitly said that’s the reason but it’s quite obvious! I’m not all about money but I need to be able to provide for myself and DS. We had already put the house up for sale before he left, I can’t afford to stay on my own and it’s not near my family for support. My parents have spent lots of time and effort for us to move in with them so we have somewhere secure and stable to go.

Let him go and move on with your life. He sounds like a heartless tosser tbh, I don’t know why you would beg for that back? He clearly has zero interest in you or family life at this stage, hence his focus on the house sale.

I see so many women complain about men ‘discarding’ them and ‘breaking up our little family’, which ignore the fact that most men fundamentally do not care about “family life”. They may like the IDEA of becoming a father, but have no desire to endure the difficulties and sacrifices involved in raising children.

Well, he can’t be that depressed if he’d previously offered 65% and changed his mind to 50%. Make sure you get what’s due yo you and some when the house sale goes through. Good to know you have your parents for support.

I don’t have a choice even if I didn’t want this. I know I could never go back as I don’t trust him and cannot overlook everything he has put me through since he left. We have been together since we were 18, I am now 29 and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, he is all I have ever known. He has left me working a part-time low wage job with no worry about how I’m going to support myself or DS!

This very true, he likes the status of being a husband and father but cannot handle the responsibilities that come with this. Was happy to leave me to do everything on my own and make out that everything was my fault.

What an absolute tosspot. Get rid, move on and live the most wonderful life without him. You deserve so much better and you will find happiness again.

@LadyGaGasPokerFacethe longer this goes on I can’t blame everything on his mental health. He is very clever and knows how to get what he wants. Bert money driven and thinks it can solve everything! I am lucky to have lots of support from friends and family, just feels strange not having that companion after being together for such a long time.

Fuck him!

Sounds like a coward if you ask me.

I am going to take a wild guess that you will actually find your life is easier now you do t have him dragging you down!!

if you think he’s just using the mediation to stall until the house sells then I would speak to your solicitor to ensure you don’t get screwed over

He is not the person I married or had our DS with, it’s very sad. It’s sad to watch him self destruct his whole life that we have built together. I am currently a teaching assistant and have applied to do my teacher training. The future is scary but I am trying to carry on for my beautiful DS who is the centre of my world.

My day to day life hasn’t changed! I’m still doing everything that I did before anyway, just don’t have him moaping around or moaning about going out at the weekends or doing something as a family! All he ever wanted to do was play his Xbox 🤦🏽‍♀️

I don’t think he’s using mediation to stall as he has said he is worried about it delaying the house sale. I have spoken to them today and they have assured that the house won’t complete until they have a signed letter from both of us on the agreed percentage split.

What a crappy man and a shit dad, I'm sorry

Oh that’s good. Remember you are fighting for this split for your son - your ex will no doubt wheedle about fairness and him earning the money etc etc

I would do anything for DS and will not accept anything less than he deserves. I will not let his life be affected by STBXH’s crappy decisions! Don’t think he expected me to put up a fight, he expected me to roll over and accept whatever he said and he’s had a shock!

I bet! Sounds like he’s stepped back and forgotten who you are!

You have done your best but he's made his decision. Your priority now has to be carving out a good life for you and your child. Get all the legal advice you can. Get as much from the house as possible, half his pension /investments and child support as it sounds like he won't manage 50/50 parenting.
You're already planning your future with the teacher training. Stop feeling responsible for him and focus on the future.

He has already tried to work out child support outside of the CMS, I have said absolutely not! I am trying my best to focus on what I need to, I am having more good days than bad, the bad days just feel horrific and I have to remind myself of what he’s done.

I agree with this....it is some kind of breakdown or whatever... but you can't make him wake up.

Hope is not a strategy.

He has given up on you and has no interest in working to help himself. You need to "give up" on him.

You have a child to look after basically solo...focus on securing financial provision for yourself and your child amd building out your life... file CMS and get that house sold.
Do not agree to 50/50 off the bat given he seemingly plans to do fuck all parenting.

Do not waste energy trying to understand him, trying to get him help, hoping it improves....spend all your energy sorting out your business.
He is a grown ass man living with stepmummy and daddy between the 3 of them they can get him a gp appointment if he needs one.

On the mortgage thats money he "recoups" 50% of so id work to see which is actually more favourable for you... as you keep 100% of maintenance

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but 20 years ago my (at the time) doting new husband did this to me.

Literally just went weird for a couple of months, disappeared and never came back. We had one discussion after that where he just said he'd been hiding in the car on his way home. We had -to my knowledge- absolutely no marital issues.

I was completely blindsided and similarly it happened just as we were moving house which with hindsight he might have planned.

We got divorced, I never got an explanation. I heard from friends that he'd been worried about money, but even with the full benefit of hindsight what he did was bizarre.

In my case there was no other woman. 20 years on there is still no other woman. He just had extremely bad depression that he was hiding and he blew up his life thinking it would cure him.

It had the opposite effect and he ended up depressed and a hermit for years on end. I remarried and he ended up alone.

I can't offer you an explanation as it might be an OW, but sometimes cowardly people do stuff like this. There's a book called Runaway Husbands. Your dh sounds like he was a people pleaser. My ex was too.

Good luck op. If it helps, I ended up married to someone I love a million times more and I'm so glad I didn't stay with my ex.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story, that sounds awfully sad. The paralleled are scary! My STBXH had expressed he was worried about money and moving house etc. However he was the one who decided to put the house up for sale (while I also think may have been planned!).

if there is no OW, I can see him ending up like this. He has no life outside of work, no friends (his choice), no hobbies and a crappy family!

He sounds like hes got a lot of growing up to do. Some men are not cut out to be fathers, I know somebody like this. If I were you I'd take what you're entitled to and thank your lucky stars you didn't have any more children with this manchild!

He is deceiving because he has worked his way up in his job and has a respectable position (which he likes to show off about and abuse). He was happy to be the breadwinner until life got real and then he bolted. It’s sad because before our DS he was a completely different man, loyal, loving, providing, helped around the house etc.