Page 17 | He's definitely restarted the affair

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 2026-05-03T18:46:02+00:00

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her. Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again. He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery. So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on. No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Charlenedickens · 13/06/2026 08:50

Maybe the fact him and this woman don’t live in the same country and haven’t seen each other for some time, makes it unlikely she’s going to come over to meet his kids or him put them on a plane to meet her, any time soon, so you don’t need to worry?

they haven’t even decided if it’s a relationship yet, and just had sex the last time he was over in her country ?

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 09:30

Charlenedickens · 13/06/2026 08:50

Maybe the fact him and this woman don’t live in the same country and haven’t seen each other for some time, makes it unlikely she’s going to come over to meet his kids or him put them on a plane to meet her, any time soon, so you don’t need to worry?

they haven’t even decided if it’s a relationship yet, and just had sex the last time he was over in her country ?

I think the logistics of their side is one of the reasons he's starting to talk more of reconciliation.
Between his work commitments and the schedule he's agreed for the kids he'd not have time to get there and back to visit her (its about 6/7 hours each way including airport time). So she'd have to come here around her own work commitments and then he'd have to hide her from the kids (if he sticks to the 12 months).
Yep according to him and what she's told her husband they worked together remotely and had met at work events in the past but the affair was a month remotely in 24 followed by a night in a hotel and then a month this year before disclosure (again remote).
I'm not sure I buy that though. I think it might have been on and off for a while before 24 when I look back on things. And blowing up two marriages based on their timeline doesn't make any sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 09:31

This morning he's woken up feeling sad.
And thought it was OK to share this with me....

OP posts:

SoggyTissue · 13/06/2026 09:44

Grey rock, is that what its called? Or simply 'i don't care'. Leave him to his pity party for one x

goody2shooz · 13/06/2026 09:57

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne tell him to talk to someone who is interested/gaf. Walk away/leave the room/have hysterics/pretend vom and rush to the loo. Anything but do not give him speaking space on this topic.

ThisJadeBear · 13/06/2026 10:18

Has he got a therapist or a life coach? As someone who uses the ‘high worth males’ in their bio tends to be more of a life coach.
Never ever trust what people like this report back about what was said in their sessions. They go into therapy to tick a box. They learn nothing. They reflect on nothing and take no responsibility. They use it as self-indulgence to justify their behaviours. They then repeat the same mistakes.
The fact that he has got up this morning and told you how sad he feels shows that therapy is doing nothing for him. If he was doing the work he would also be ‘processing’ the fact that his behaviours have just ripped apart two families including pulling the rug from under the feet of two autistic children he’s supposed to father and put first.
And people who use therapy-speak to dominate conversations? Straight in the bin.
When he is gone, as painful as it will be, you can breathe.
He is currently treating you like an extra therapist/his mother. He’s so self-centred. As for the OW she has no idea of the reality of all of this. The romance of being a step mum will soon wear off if she actually has to face two kids who don’t want her there.
And he’s going to know himself sitting in a flat in his own trying to deal with the boring details of everyday life which his wife usually takes care of.
There is no point in ruminating about boundaries when there is a load of washing to put on, admin piling up and floors which need mopping.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 10:34

ThisJadeBear · 13/06/2026 10:18

Has he got a therapist or a life coach? As someone who uses the ‘high worth males’ in their bio tends to be more of a life coach.
Never ever trust what people like this report back about what was said in their sessions. They go into therapy to tick a box. They learn nothing. They reflect on nothing and take no responsibility. They use it as self-indulgence to justify their behaviours. They then repeat the same mistakes.
The fact that he has got up this morning and told you how sad he feels shows that therapy is doing nothing for him. If he was doing the work he would also be ‘processing’ the fact that his behaviours have just ripped apart two families including pulling the rug from under the feet of two autistic children he’s supposed to father and put first.
And people who use therapy-speak to dominate conversations? Straight in the bin.
When he is gone, as painful as it will be, you can breathe.
He is currently treating you like an extra therapist/his mother. He’s so self-centred. As for the OW she has no idea of the reality of all of this. The romance of being a step mum will soon wear off if she actually has to face two kids who don’t want her there.
And he’s going to know himself sitting in a flat in his own trying to deal with the boring details of everyday life which his wife usually takes care of.
There is no point in ruminating about boundaries when there is a load of washing to put on, admin piling up and floors which need mopping.

Edited

My own therapist said similar. You get out of therapy what you put in. If you're not honest and open to the process then however good (or not) the therapist it won't do anything for you.
He's treated me as his mother for years in fairness. His life existed in work and home was where he was fed and slept with the added bonus of sex when he wanted it.
He put no effort into fostering our relationship.
I'm grateful he's spouting all this stuff now. It's making it much easier to see him clearly

OP posts:

Thewookiemustgo · 13/06/2026 11:51

He’s spinning everyone a yarn. Sucked in therapists to shape to his narrative and reinforce his bullshit. This is all much re-told and well-rehearsed, not a new ‘revelation’ to him, not at all, because no doubt it is exactly, I’d bet my house on this, what he told OW two years ago.
Any day now he’ll be telling you you’re lucky such a saintly man he’s still here with you.
Ignore it all now and tell him you’ll only discuss practical matters around the kids and the divorce and there is no way back and he can spout his self-serving drivel elsewhere. He even believes his own crap now. He’s a master manipulator and they’re all buying it. More fool them.

Lugol · 13/06/2026 13:06

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 11/06/2026 21:01

Correct. There is nothing left to salvage for our marriage. Despite spending 2 years recovering from the first time. No I don't want him to have a relationship with ap going forward. Is it really that difficult to understand why?

Show quote history

I totally understand this.
It's a process.
My first H cheated on me when I was pregnant. Actually it turns out they started their affair BEFORE I was pregnant, a fact which I've only recently realised and really rankles me. He left me when our DS was 4 months old and then came back and we tried again (I wish I'd had MN then but I was a total pick me).

Then I caught him a second time. I mean by the time we had reached this point I was getting a bit sick of it all being about him and so kicked his arse out of our house and didn't look back.

But it took time from first being left to me kicking him out for the scales to finally fall from my eyes and for me to see him as he actually was and fall out of love with him.
That's where you are now 💐❤️

PineConeOrDogPoo · 13/06/2026 14:08

ThisJadeBear · 13/06/2026 10:18

Has he got a therapist or a life coach? As someone who uses the ‘high worth males’ in their bio tends to be more of a life coach.
Never ever trust what people like this report back about what was said in their sessions. They go into therapy to tick a box. They learn nothing. They reflect on nothing and take no responsibility. They use it as self-indulgence to justify their behaviours. They then repeat the same mistakes.
The fact that he has got up this morning and told you how sad he feels shows that therapy is doing nothing for him. If he was doing the work he would also be ‘processing’ the fact that his behaviours have just ripped apart two families including pulling the rug from under the feet of two autistic children he’s supposed to father and put first.
And people who use therapy-speak to dominate conversations? Straight in the bin.
When he is gone, as painful as it will be, you can breathe.
He is currently treating you like an extra therapist/his mother. He’s so self-centred. As for the OW she has no idea of the reality of all of this. The romance of being a step mum will soon wear off if she actually has to face two kids who don’t want her there.
And he’s going to know himself sitting in a flat in his own trying to deal with the boring details of everyday life which his wife usually takes care of.
There is no point in ruminating about boundaries when there is a load of washing to put on, admin piling up and floors which need mopping.

Edited

"There is no point in ruminating about boundaries when there is a load of washing to put on, admin piling up and floors which need mopping."

🤣

OchreRaven · 13/06/2026 14:18

I think you are starting to see him how he really is now.

He is laying the groundwork for a U turn where expects you to be grateful that he still wants to be with you and his only concession will be leaving the AP (again) but will emphasise for it to work you will have to accept it’s in the past and move on without the ‘exhausting’ expectations of reassurance. He won’t accept responsibility and will instead expect you both to shoulder the problems in your relationship. There will be a lot of ‘we’ need to work on our relationship and see how ‘we’ can get to a better place.

I would say this is coming in about two weeks — just before move out day.

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 13/06/2026 14:19

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 09:30

I think the logistics of their side is one of the reasons he's starting to talk more of reconciliation.
Between his work commitments and the schedule he's agreed for the kids he'd not have time to get there and back to visit her (its about 6/7 hours each way including airport time). So she'd have to come here around her own work commitments and then he'd have to hide her from the kids (if he sticks to the 12 months).
Yep according to him and what she's told her husband they worked together remotely and had met at work events in the past but the affair was a month remotely in 24 followed by a night in a hotel and then a month this year before disclosure (again remote).
I'm not sure I buy that though. I think it might have been on and off for a while before 24 when I look back on things. And blowing up two marriages based on their timeline doesn't make any sense.

Show quote history

It'll be difficult for you OP. I've gone through a fake reconciliation, but it was geniune for me. So extra hurt and pain, and then final blow of divorce anouncement, during separation phase, all the WS doing was to blame shifting and scheming with the AP for exit, whilst claiming to me that he's trying to reconnect.

These trauma bond is so incredibly hard to break. So I'd understand if your head is strong but your heart wobble.

I also think the WS's AP actively plays a role in encouraging, minimising both of their wrongdoings. The rewriting history that they would then both use, and they themselves ended up believing it and become second natural of telling those lies.

Does his family know the truth?

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 13/06/2026 14:23

I often ask myself, if I still love the WS, after all these. I think, I'm still willing to love him, if he has geniunely reformed himself. However, I don't want to love him as he is right now, anymore.

This may sound pathetic, but I think being honest and vulnerable will help me healing properly too. I still don't know how to interact with him yet.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 19:37

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 13/06/2026 14:19

It'll be difficult for you OP. I've gone through a fake reconciliation, but it was geniune for me. So extra hurt and pain, and then final blow of divorce anouncement, during separation phase, all the WS doing was to blame shifting and scheming with the AP for exit, whilst claiming to me that he's trying to reconnect.

These trauma bond is so incredibly hard to break. So I'd understand if your head is strong but your heart wobble.

I also think the WS's AP actively plays a role in encouraging, minimising both of their wrongdoings. The rewriting history that they would then both use, and they themselves ended up believing it and become second natural of telling those lies.

Does his family know the truth?

Show quote history

Yep his Mum knows, but his mums been ow to a married man for years and years so I don't think she likely to be a voice of reason!

OP posts:

Thewookiemustgo · 13/06/2026 20:03

So even his mum will be stoking and skewing the narrative. Dear Lord!

Thewookiemustgo · 13/06/2026 20:04

And what a shining example of respecting marriage and being a parental role model she is!

Charlenedickens · 13/06/2026 20:30

OchreRaven · 13/06/2026 14:18

I think you are starting to see him how he really is now.

He is laying the groundwork for a U turn where expects you to be grateful that he still wants to be with you and his only concession will be leaving the AP (again) but will emphasise for it to work you will have to accept it’s in the past and move on without the ‘exhausting’ expectations of reassurance. He won’t accept responsibility and will instead expect you both to shoulder the problems in your relationship. There will be a lot of ‘we’ need to work on our relationship and see how ‘we’ can get to a better place.

I would say this is coming in about two weeks — just before move out day.

i don’t think so. It’s clear this is done and now about the very brief time with this lady who isn’t even in this country.

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 13/06/2026 20:59

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 19:37

Yep his Mum knows, but his mums been ow to a married man for years and years so I don't think she likely to be a voice of reason!

Show quote history

Oh... it runs in family...

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 21:08

OchreRaven · 13/06/2026 14:18

I think you are starting to see him how he really is now.

He is laying the groundwork for a U turn where expects you to be grateful that he still wants to be with you and his only concession will be leaving the AP (again) but will emphasise for it to work you will have to accept it’s in the past and move on without the ‘exhausting’ expectations of reassurance. He won’t accept responsibility and will instead expect you both to shoulder the problems in your relationship. There will be a lot of ‘we’ need to work on our relationship and see how ‘we’ can get to a better place.

I would say this is coming in about two weeks — just before move out day.

It's already started 🤣. Had a bit of this today!

OP posts:

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 21:36

Thewookiemustgo · 13/06/2026 20:04

And what a shining example of respecting marriage and being a parental role model she is!

Right! Last time she told him how good her man is because he stays with his wife as they have a sick daughter. I only know as I had access to his WhatsApp for a while. It was as if she was suggesting the affair was OK as long as he didn't actually leave 🙄

OP posts:

Thewookiemustgo · 13/06/2026 22:00

Trust me, OW also tell their married men that they’re “good men” too. This guy who’s cheating, lying and gaslighting his wife has to have a justification for it, plus a ‘noble’ reason for not leaving said wife, she’s being lied to as well, she’s also a willing participant in the affair and harm to his family and therefore her behaviour is questionable and she’s the clown willingly sleeping with a total shit.

Original poster

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 13/06/2026 22:06

Thewookiemustgo · 13/06/2026 22:00

Trust me, OW also tell their married men that they’re “good men” too. This guy who’s cheating, lying and gaslighting his wife has to have a justification for it, plus a ‘noble’ reason for not leaving said wife, she’s being lied to as well, she’s also a willing participant in the affair and harm to his family and therefore her behaviour is questionable and she’s the clown willingly sleeping with a total shit.

Absolutely.

OP posts:

Tcateh · 14/06/2026 09:06

Keep hold of the furious feeling op. It was coming back to strength this situation.
It's brought you clarity in this mess.
I've just read your whole thread.
I can't wait for you to wake up every morning and not have to see his dad for himself face, or have to readjust your thoughts or feelings based on his actual physical presence.

That's when things will feel more about you, your day your needs and feelings.
God the relief x

Tcateh · 14/06/2026 09:11

sorry for himself face

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/06/2026 10:58

What did you say when he told you he was sad OP?

The audacity of this man is unbelievable- he really does believe he’s the victim! I’m raging for you.