He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Just to add, he’s said he’s still with her or planning on being, so I would plan for low contact when he moves out and only talk about logistics now. Let him understand what a relationship with you means with strong boundaries and minimal communication. Then let him decide whether his phone relationship with this woman beats a friendly relationship with you and happier kids. You can’t make that decision for him.

Also if he is single and meets someone ‘new’ and expects you and the kids to accept her on a daily basis that actually might be harder than this woman being strung along via phone and occasional trip. It’s better for the shine to come off completely on its own. Hopefully by that point you have met the man of your dreams and couldn’t care less who he starts dating!!

Thank you, I'm not sure it's patience as much as I really have no control of the situation so I just have to make rhe best of it!

Thanks. This is pretty much how I've laid it out for him. He said he needs (even more..) time to consider it

It would be a much cleaner break if he isn’t in your life. It will help you move on and eventually meet someone else. His words don’t actions so you now need to discount what he says as bullshit. He’s just trying to keep your emotionally engaged

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne fhis must be excruciatingly painful for you. You must be made of special stuff to put one foot in front of the other currently.
I completely understand why you would want the AP out of it presently, his relationship with her is a constant knife in your back and their decision to continue this affair is the cause of every shred of pain and every upending and destruction of your life and marriage as you knew it. The last thing your children need is their father’s affair interfering with what is happening now and in the future, which must seem pretty scary and uncertain to them at present.
Yes, he could ditch the AP and date somebody else, but I also understand totally why this AP is the most upsetting for you. Their affair is the cause of all of this. A new person would hurt, but would be a person he could date as a single person, somebody he wouldn’t lie and gaslight and manipulate you with as it would not be an affair relationship. Their affair hurt you immeasurably when it was first discovered. To be made to believe it was over for good and you were reconciling, then see it get resurrected like some hideous phantom recalled to haunt you again, is beyond words.
Whilst you are dealing with the children’s routine he should be putting that first and respectfully keeping his and her entitled, selfish heads down. He can’t say he’s considering reconciling, then whine that leaving the AP on your terms would make him resentful! If he’s considering reconciling, surely that would mean he’s realised who matters most to him so ditching the AP would make him relieved not resentful! Everything he says is at odds with itself. His cognitive dissonance must be off the chart.
He can’t have an AP and even consider staying married to you at the same time. You and the children are “the most important people in his life” yet he’s quite prepared to hurt you all and lose all this in its current state. More cognitive dissonance.
Just engage with him over the children now and nothing else. What on earth is this therapist for? Why are they ok with enabling him to think he’s the one controlling the timeline and outcomes? Or is he manipulating them too?
Hrs a real headfuck and should be made to have a good look at the mess in his own backyard before deciding he has anything he might feel resentful about.

I agree. The agreement was him to support during and after the op.
Having him around as a go-to person isn’t healthy. He has already cheated, twice.
Him and this woman have blown to families apart and left each heartbroken.
OP has done well but this is becoming a farce. Waiting for him to confirm if he’s going to be with the OW or not? No, that doesn’t need clarifying.
Even if he ends it with her, he will want to keep OP around until he meets someone in real life and this heartbreak goes on.
This man is not the OP’s friend but between the OP, the OW, his therapy and this co-therapy he’s wringing his hands and getting attention and sympathy.
He deserves none of it.
He needs to move out and the only relationship which needs to continue is the one with his children.

@ThisJadeBear agree 100% the band aid needs to be ripped off.
@Allthegoodonesareg0ne this will ensure you only go through this pain once more but never again. His actions do not match his words. The evidence is there. You don’t need to waste any more time on this.

I think you are giving him too much power in this situation. I understand why. He’s been very clever and manipulative to keep you hanging. Even though you have agreed to divorce and you say there is no going back on this, he’s painting a picture of this half way house where you keep all the good bits (family outings, Christmases together, date nights) but are officially not together as if that will somehow lessen the pain.

He’s got you hanging on to this fantasy that if you really think about it won’t work and won’t be in the best interests of your kids when it implodes.

You can’t move on while you are both enmeshed in each other’s lives. I think you are best to make it clear to the kids (and him) that your lives are now separate regardless of this OW. Take time to heal without his constant contact and presence tainting your new memories.

Maybe in the future once you don’t have feelings for him, and if he’s not with the OW you can have a cordial relationship with him but you need a clean break to begin with. Make this decision for yourself. Don’t allow him to muddy the waters ‘thinking about what he wants’. You know what you need to do. It’s scary but the only alternative is going back and trying to make it work. You know deep down it never would after what he has put you through.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne
THIS 💯

Why would you want this person in your life when he has done the dirty on you?

I dont think he knows what he's doing to be honest! The therapist we met today is a family therapist primarily to support the boys through this mess. She was amazing actually. So we filled her in on the whole mess so that she has the full picture and can support the kids with anything they might have overheard or any particular worries they have.
She was quite firm with him that the children and I need clarity on what aps role will be!

I've pushed him today to fix a move date. He'll be out by the end of the month. I'm very much looking forward to some breathing space!

Thanks all. As much as my logical head says to get a clean break I can see I've slipped a bit into believing he's well intentioned and that there may be a path forward to either friendship or reconciliation further down the line
I'll forgive myself for it but reading your responses has reminded me of what and who I'm dealing with.
It will still be easier for me if he ends the affair, but I will stick to planning for thwt not happening.
I'm trying today to take the longer view of where I'll be in another two years vs where I am now.
If I'd have left the first time, I'd be in a much better place now. So I'm trying to focus on paving the way for the version of me that will thank me for it in another 2 years.

This sounds much more promising. You know already he can “end” the affair and not actually really end it. So you might as well plan for that. He is who he is.

Im Sorry Op, but what I’m reading really can be whittled down to ‘I don’t want him but I don’t want the AP to have him either’. And I know that you’ve said your husband is all for himself so to speak but quite frankly, you are as well. I can’t actually believe what I’m reading even though I do understand how you must be feeling.

Are you a ND family or is it just your children who are on the spectrum? And I’m sorry to have asked that but as someone who lives very much in the ND world with her own family and extended whilst not being on the spectrum myself, I think it would help make sense of some of what I’m reading if you or your husband are also ND.

He claims me and the children, not just the children, are still the most important people in his life. He wants to still spend time together occasionally with the children, he wants to still be the person I call when I need something

op, I’m sorry but the children likely are, but you are not, you need to not make yourself a group. You are now seperate entities in his eyes. He’s just trying to keep this amicable and tell you what you want to hear to soften the blow, you know you’re not the most important person to him, if you were he’d not be leaving and having an affair. He wants to make this work for the kids.

i think all this is just prolonging the pain for you. Keeping hope alive, when I don’t think he is leaving you for her, it’s not about her and never has been. It won’t even likely last with her, she is simply a side story.

Correct. There is nothing left to salvage for our marriage. Despite spending 2 years recovering from the first time. No I don't want him to have a relationship with ap going forward. Is it really that difficult to understand why?

No not at all. It’s fully understandable. I don’t think any woman would want that. I think what’s being said is it’s not something you have control or a say over. And it’s likely something you won’t know either when he moves out. Not unless it gets serious and he decides to let the kids know, but even then he can just say it restarted.

I agree its nothing I have control over ultimately. But I don't feel bad for asking.
The kids already know about her, but we are at least agreed that they wouldn't meet any new partners for at least 12 months

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne you really can’t control the bit about the affair partner. It would be healthier for the dc not to harbour hate for the ap. I speak with experience, it’s easier on the kids. My kids spend time with ex’s ap. At times her help has been useful and she has spoilt the kids as she doesn’t have her own plus they can be tough on her. They say sometimes they’ve enjoyed spending time but then they remember she’s part of the cause of split their family unit. I’ve told them not to feel like that as she did me a favour ( and they agree). It’s really heavy on the kids to have so much detail about the ins and outs. Has a more sensible arrangement been made for the weekends when he goes regarding seeing both dc at the same time.
Honestly accepting a situation is sometimes the next way to heal 🌹

No, it’s not difficult at all to understand why you don’t want him with the AP, but I’m pretty sure you already knew that.

Why would you believe anything he says ?

I don't. But I have to survive this somehow. I do believe that he loves his kids and that he recognises that they need space and time to deal with this change. He might not wait the 12 months but it helps me at the moment to believe there will be time between him leaving and me having to face the realities of their relationship.
My expectation is that once he's been out a few months it'll all feel a little less sore and more manageable.

Good luck to her meeting disgruntled pre-teens who know she’s the reason their parents aren’t together. All you need to do is look at some posts on MN from stepmums to see how difficult that will be to navigate. She might be full of platitudes now about how she wants to be involved but likely the reality will be very different and cause a lot of problems between them. But I agree, for the kids it is best that they have at least a year where they get 1:1 time with their dad and don’t need her getting in the way of that. And no sense introducing her if it’s not going to work out so they both should to be committed and have a plan for the long term before introductions to children are done.

You are handling it all amazingly and your feelings are completely valid on his AP and their ongoing relationship.

Except she's NOT the reason is she? He is. Affair partners are just objects in the minds of betrayers. He is projecting on to her a fantasy just as he projected a fantasy onto his wife in the beginning.