He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Haha! Yes exactly!

You will definitely get to the point of not caring what is going on with him and the other woman.

I couldn't care less who my ex is with. Crack on son. Just glad it's her dealing with him and not me.

Your ExH will push you to that with his self obsession and terrible life chances. Once he's out of the house. It won't happen before that.

He's talking utter rubbish! Your kids are old enough to piece what happened together. It will only damage them more by not to tell them. Their world collapsed because of his idiotic and selfish choices and actions. It's the minimum consequences he get to bare.

They needed to know. I didn't want them thinking that it was in anyway their fault or piecing together snippets they overheard and putting the wrong story together

Exactly. And why shouldn’t they know their family history? They should know what’s right or right, so they don’t grow up thinking it’s all ok and acceptable.

I also 100% agree OP, don’t let him gaslight you into believing that in telling your DC, you are in the wrong…. HE wants her so badly that he’s blowing up your family so he has to man the fuck up and own his behaviour - AND the consequences (just as he is forcing you and the DC to)…. He’s a cheat and he owes it to his kids to bloody admit it!
Just my opinion but having experienced a similar situation to yours, I too told my DC and still to this day (24+ years later 🙄) EXH stubbornly insists that he didn’t ‘cheat’, he simply ‘fell in love with his AP’ and that nothing physical happened until I found out and kicked him out.
Honestly, I still struggle to understand these men who think that announcing they’re leaving you for someone else and/or they have feelings for someone else BUT they haven’t slept together is in any way at all more ‘noble’ than having a ONS or just having a physical affair with no emotional connection to their AP😵‍💫 Bewilders me!

I still struggle to understand these men who think that announcing they’re leaving you for someone else and/or they have feelings for someone else BUT they haven’t slept together is in any way at all more ‘noble’ than having a ONS or just having a physical affair with no emotional connection to their AP😵‍💫

That’s a false dichotomy. They’re saying it’s better to have come clean and left, than to have segued into a physical affair on top. And they’re right.

Hello OP, hope you are doing better. Looking forward for your updates.

Thank you.
It's all tough but we are plodding on.
He finally agreed to family therapy so we had out first session just the two of us today and she meets the kids next week.
We talked a bit about me wanting him to end the affair regardless to protect our coparenting relationship and make it less complicated for the boys.
He said he doesn't think that will continue but it's complicated and he needs to make sure it's his decision so he isn't resentful of it 🙄.
She encouraged him to give me and the kids clarity on that as soon as possible.
It's all so difficult. I know I'm better off without him but its still very hard.

Good luck OP! Sounds tough but you are doing great!

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne ‘he doesn’t think it will continue but it’s complicated and he needs to make sure it’s his decision so he isn’t resentful’ Oh My Godfathers - just listen to the ENTITLEMENT and utter selfishness 😱 And the therapist ‘encouraged him to give me and the kids clarity as soon as possible’ . I don’t know how you sat there and listened to that without combusting. Selfish arsehole. See the solicitor and end this madness now - he doesn’t get to leave you and the dc hanging while he fannies about.

So much "He wants...."
Has it occurred to him that maybe you will not want to be with him, even if he did end the affair again?

If you decide to "let him go", that will be that, regardless of what he wants.

Really playing the confused victim of his own choices isn't he 🙄

It took a lot of self control! I said it's hard to reconcile him saying he cares about us all, with him choosing what he wants even knowing it causes us all so much pain.
I filed for divorce in April, so we are just in the 20 week wait at the moment.

Op, can I ask gently, is it just this woman? What if he ends it with her and next week says it’s over, but I’ve met someone else. Will you be good with this?

I ask as it’s important to clarify, are you asking him to remain single, or are you happy with him getting into a relationship tomorrow but just not with this lady? As this lady doesn’t even live in this country. The one he properly gets with, will be,

also are you asking him never to be in a relationship with her? Or for a period.

i actually agree with him, ending it, and let’s face it, there isn’t much there, they aren’t even in the same country, has to be his decision. Your marriage is over, he is able to date as he pleases. As are you.

however you also have your decisions to make, co parenting is something you will both have to achieve, and you can make that as hard for each other or as simple, the boys will need to come to understand that you’re both single and other partners will be introduced, the timing for that will be each persons own decision, although most would recommend giving it time.

i think it’s important to clarify what you’re asking for here.

Honestly Op, I think the longer this goes on the more you’re straying into very unreasonable (though very understandable) territory. I’m actually surprised the therapist didn’t say to you - I’m sorry but your going too far and you have to get back on to your side of the invisible line.

Oh he's full of it. He's always been self centred. He would give me the world as long as it didn't require him to give up anything he wanted.
He's always been like that. It was fine as long as our wants and needs were aligned but wherever they differed what he wanted came first. He'd apologise after and try to make it up but it was always him first.
He's been doing individual therapy for a few months now but that seems to have only reinforced his own importance.

But that’s the ops choice to “hang” she can’t control his actions. Only hers.

ss for the kids, he has equal right to see them, and it is on him to manage that, with any relationship he has, with whomever, as it is the op if she meets someone.

It's this woman specifically. He had an affair with her 2024 and then restarted it in March.
I have thought about others, and whilst it would be upsetting it wouldn't be traumatic in the way it would with her.
I'm fully aware he is tbe source of the issue, she's only a factor because he allowed her to be. But she is representative of all the trauma (as is he I know, but the thought of him continuing with her is something I can't put into words)
In terms of coparenting, it's a choice of what that looks like. If he continues with her, I need much firmer boundaries than if he doesn't.

@Charlenedickens i totally understand your point, it was simply the overwhelming selfishness of op’s stbx that i found so mind blowing! ‘He wants to make the decision so he doesn’t feel resentful’ - you’d laugh if it wasn’t so unfunny.

I am fully aware the choice to continue with her or not is his.
This is an affair rhat started in 2024, we reconciled, and he restarted it in March which led to our marriage ending.
He is talking of reconciliation now and not knowing what he wants.
I've asked him to end that relationship either way.
Whether or not that relationship continues impacts how coparenting looks like for me, and what mine and the kids future looks like.

I’m not sure I fully understand you. You say reconciliation isn’t an option, so why are you saying it has to end either way, this indicates you’re telling him you’re open to reconciliation. As there would not be an either way otherwise.

is this what you want op. He ends it and you reconcile? Is this what the therapy is about, why the therapist is saying to give you clarity, as you’re hoping to reconcile ?

if this is the case, then he needs to make a decision yes. But I honestly would advise against continuing to do the pick me dance like this the second time.

im also not sure what you mean by stronger boundaries. This woman is irrelevant, it doesn’t matter who he dates, you both need to aim for an amicable co parenting relationship irrelevant of the relationship status either has.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne You must have so much patience to deal with his endless justifications, where nothing is his fault and everything must always be according to his preferences.

To tell you that any problems with the DC are because "You told them about the affair" should be unbelievable yet there he is.

Keep doing all that you're doing to protect your own sanity and the welfare of your DC.

FTR Of course it should not all fall to you to manage your DC's mental and physical welfare. It's become necessary because your STBX will always put himself first (no matter how many therapy sessions he attends).

No I don't want to reconcile. But him continuing with his affair partner is unbearably painful for me.
Of course if he does continue that's for me to deal with myself. But part of dealing with that is that he would have no place in my life other than as my children's other parent.
He claims me and the children, not just the children, are still the most important people in his life. He wants to still spend time together occasionally with the children, he wants to still be the person I call when I need something. And I've said that can't happen if he continues with the ap as I would need more space and so stronger boundaries.
For me, if he continues with the ap then we speak only about the children, we have as little contact as possible and we only see each other as necessary for the children
If he doesn't, then there is more scope for him staying in my life rather than just the children's.
The family therapist is encouraging clarity on that relationship primarily so she can support the children appropriately. They are tweens and understand he's had an inappropriate and hurtful relationship with the ap. They have concerns about the role she'll play in their life.

I think how you feel is understandable. Trying to build a new co-parenting relationship with him after divorce whilst he is trying to navigate a relationship with this woman, asking you to rearrange weekends so he can go see her, him trying to appease her insecurity around you (because there will be as he’s shown himself not to be trustworthy) etc will impact on your children and how well you both navigate this in the future.

Having said that I agree with him that if he is only ending it because you have told him to he will be resentful and use it to convince himself that you are the reason he is miserable not his own choices.

Instead you should put boundaries in place to protect your peace. I would be saying to him

’I’m not going to ask you to end your relationship with this woman anymore. You have shown me where your priorities lie— your own needs, and I need to accept that. If you couldn’t put my feelings first when we are married it’s naive to think you would do this when we are divorced.

However I want you to understand whilst you are in a relationship with this woman it’s very triggering for me and will mean we will have a low contact co-parenting relationship. I need space from her being in my life and I expect you to respect that and not to involve her in mine or the children’s lives. I can only hope you meet the promises you have made about having a consistent and fair co-parenting relationship.’

Ok that’s clear. However rather than state everything as ‘if’, I would in your position try to accept he has NOT given up the AP and therefore you should proceed on the basis of your minimum contact option and just stop asking him about it. If at some point in the future he breaks it off definitively, you can reassess if you can cope with more contact at that point. Don’t hand him the power to decide how you live your life.