He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

You are incredibly strong OP. It's so hard.

It seems he's finally been honest in therapy.
He came to talk to me and he's said he's not ready to let go of us yet, and he hasn't made any decisions on the affair yet either.
He says he recognises that continuing the affair causes lots of pain for me and the kids. But last time he ended the affair, tried to reconcile and ended up back there without really thinking.
He said again they aren't currently in a relationship, but there are expectations that there will be one resumed when he leaves.
He said his head is a mess, that for him, he reached his limit on our marriage as it was before he restarted the affair. Now he's got her hanging but doesn't want to let go of us
He is still going to move out, but wants to still be there for us all and be single for a bit. He said he'll come and talk to me before anything resumes there.
He said if he seeks reconciliation with me he wants to make sure he can be sure and committed
He is doing the therapy and he does appear genuine.
But I've told him I'm not waiting around as a back up plan, and I have no reason to trust he's not just going to carry on tbe affair anyway.
Nothing really changes for me. Currently I don't want reconciliation and don't see a viable way forward.

Wow he really thinks you are an “option” then.

What a load of drivel he excretes 🙄

Wow, what a POS thing to say to you. It sounds like he feels he is controlling the situation here - when and if he decides he wants to reconcile that he expects you to be there.

What did he say when you told him you didn't want that and you weren't his backup plan?

Is there anything in this universe he could say or do that would make you change your mind?

Personally I would never be able to get over his cowardice, let alone his duplicity.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne honesty at last, but you’re absolutely right, so what? You’re nobody’s fall-back plan and that’s that. If he doesn’t know by now he’ll never know. The absolute naivety that he can give you a plan of action on his terms, with nothing changing for others as a consequence of that, whilst he makes his mind up!
That’s what I told my husband, I’d always been sure about my feelings for him and what I wanted for 35 years, if he wasn’t, then that was all the answer I needed. Brought him up short that I’d ever close the door in his face.
If he’s dithering and ‘isn’t ready to let you go yet’ then what about when he can? Fuck that right off.
All or nothing. So entitled and actually pretty delusional to think that anyone would accept this crap, truth or not. Stand firm and plough on.

He says he knows he might miss the window 🤣

Nothing I can think of!
I do think he genuinely believes he's doing the right thing - to sort his own stuff out away from us. But the idea that he thinks I'm participating in this ridiculous triangle makes me want to poke his eyes out.

I think now is a dangerous time for you as what he’s saying may make you feel “powerful” as you can chose to reconcile. However if you do, I think it will be 100% worse than the first time suppressing all the anxiety surrounding the affair and also over riding your own intuition. I really want you to be happy but this man cannot be trusted. He is very selfish indeed!

He’s surely not sorting anything though; just waiting it out.

Indeed.
I have no intention of participating with this but it makes no odds to me if he thinks I am.
My only glimmer is the hope that I get the feel good factor of telling him no if he does decide I'm worthy of retuning to

My life doesn't change much without him in it to be honest. It's the future I saw for us all that's been hard to let go of but day to day ill have less anxiety and more wardrobe space!

I'm pretty sure despite how he dresses it up with all his therapy terms, he wants to try out being single, see if he and ap can figure out the world's most complicated relationship logistics and then reserve the option to return to home comforts when he realises its not all its cracked up to be.
I do think he is genuine that he believes he needs to work his stuff out. But it's just a dressed up way of saying I don't want you enough to be bothered to do the work

I’d say the more boss move is to tell him that now. Get him out of your life sooner. Tell him you already know it’s not going to work out with his mistress and not to bother getting in touch when he realises this.

Sounds like the affair isn’t looking as fun now she’s expecting things from him he can’t give. What does he think being single entails?? Is he going to join some dating apps to see if his love for this new woman is really what he wants? I mean can you get any more delusional.

So he reached his limit in your marriage because he had to care about your feelings and put them first for a bit to make up for a huge betrayal. And then it just got a bit boring and he wanted things to be about him again. And lo and behold now (in his head) he has two women fighting to be with him while he decides what he wants.

I would be telling him that the relationship is over regardless of his ‘decisions’. If he wants the stress of the AP with all her expectations that’s on him but you have no skin in the game. You’ve agreed a way forward — no meeting new partners for a year, and him doing 50:50. It’s up to him to make it work. He also needs to be realistic that his kids will likely never accept his new partner knowing it ended your marriage. But that’s for him to navigate.

Tell him you are looking forward to your new life with you and your kids and maybe one day you will find a new relationship where you are valued like you should have been.

Oh I've been clear with him many times that for me this is done. It bounces off him like a ping pong ball 🤣
Today I made a joke about finding a fwb. He was not impressed. I told up until March I was getting it 3/4 times a week, did he think I was going to be remaining celibate?!
He gets his keys to the new house in a couple of weeks but has told me 'he's not ready to move out yet, he'd like to stay longer. Nothing I can do right now if he wants to stay, he jointly owns the house but the divorce is still progressing.
I keep talking wirh the kids about our summer plans etc.
It's like we live in two different worlds sometimes. I know all about affair fog, and that seems to he lifting but now irs like he's living a 2 month time delay!

When it comes to talking about ap he gets defensive straight away.
He says the two are separate, he reached his limit and then she appeared again. Apparently his therapist agrees the marriage decision and the restart of the affair were separate (I called bs)
He will grudgingly acknowledge it was still entirely inappropriate
I have repeated until I'm blue in the face that continuing that makes coparenting impossible (we'd have to parallel parent), that rhe kids don't accept her now and the more they understand about relationships the less likely they will ever accept her and the more likely they'll form a different view of him, and that by continuing he is setting a terrible example of a husband and father.
He basically tells me it's all my fault for telling the kids about her and that I don't get a vote on whether he continues with her or not.

At times I think I can't bear for them to become an item I have to be in orbit of. Other times I think I couldn't give a toss and they are welcome to each other. I'm hoping the latter becomes more frequent as time goes on

Good on you. He really is full of himself thinking you will be waiting around for him, like a celibate nun while he explores his other options. He didn’t even wait for the marriage to end before having sex with someone else.

Whilst you have had the horror of imagining him being with someone else and them being part of your children’s life for months now, he didn’t even consider how that would feel for him. Having another man play stepdad to his kids. He’s in for a huge shock.

You could have a different man every (non child) night if you wanted. The fact that you haven’t had sex outside of your marriage isn’t because there isn’t anyone willing — it’s because you have been a loyal wife (unlike his AP!).

Encourage him to move out and get the space that he says he needs to sort himself out. Once’s he’s out it’ll be much harder for him to get back in. And then you are free. Free to live your life how you choose. FWB, nights out with the girls, or just a good book and a cup of tea. Whatever makes you happy.

What won’t make you happy is him hanging around like a bad smell feeling sorry for himself that he can’t have a wife and a gf. He has admitted he doesn’t have what it takes to be accountable and fix things, you have already tried and he failed. There is nothing he can do to row back from what he started. Like you said he’s just a few months behind you now, scared of what this really means for him.

In all of his musings it’s like you are a non-person. Somebody with no feelings and no say.
The fact is he has found the same ap twice and each time told you he is unhappy. So that’s it. He’s not happy in the marriage.
As for moving out and being ‘single’ as if. Juggle two women and then add another or two?
I never believe any man who discusses stuff that happened in therapy under these circumstances. Therapists tend not to make such statements at all.
While therapy is really helpful some people (men?) use it as proof they are trying to be a better person when really they just want a therapist to agree they are a ‘good’ person.

This is exactly what he's doing.
He tried to claim that me pointing out the damage hes done to me and rhe kids was me being 'emotionally abusive'.
I genuinely cannot imagine a person being as understanding of him as I have been. I've told him many times I don't see him as a bad person, he's made terrible choices but I don't see him as bad. Given what he's put us all through pointing out the consequences of his actions to him is relatively tame I'd say!
He also points out to me regularly that I am responsible for my feelings, my happiness and my reactions.
As if he expects me to just hit the calm and happy buttons on my controls.
Honestly at times I picture my head spinning like the exorcist in response to his therapy 'insights'

I don’t know how you have kept your cool tbh. I have someone in my family who uses therapy jargon to justify terrible behaviour and then tells you they aren’t responsible for your feelings. I’m not sure how being in therapy has made them less accountable for their actions. Luckily another family member is a therapist and pointed out that’s not how life works. You can choose how you react to your feelings but your feelings of sadness, anger, frustration are completely valid when someone treats you poorly. And pointing out how you feel is not emotionally abusive.

But someone telling their wife the relationship with their girlfriend that started when they were with their wife is completely separate and nothing to do with her, is manipulative, emotionally abusive and gaslighting!!!

I would be tempted to suggest couples therapy with his therapist for co-parenting purposes and then giving the therapist the full picture! But ultimately it’s not worth it. He can’t handle being in the wrong and will just get nasty if pushed.

I did suggest couples therapy with his therapist, to help us part ways as nicely as possible
Funny enough he wasn't up for that 😆

He’s got an awful lot to say, hasn’t he? If it wasn’t so staggeringly awful I’d laugh at his description of you telling your kids the bloody truth being ‘emotionally abusive’. As opposed to affairs, lying, gaslighting, manipulating etc of course, which are what exactly? He’s got his head so far up his arse he’ll be able to see out of his own nostrils soon. He’s absolutely unbelievable. I call bullshit on his therapist coming out with guff like that, unless his therapist is Ronald MacDonald.

Sorry to hear this OP. He has got a cheek stating that his unhappiness is due to ur reaction to.his infidelity. One day you will realise life is better without the uncertainty. You will have peace- it is very underrated. Hand hold OP.

I’d be bored rigid of him.
Him - I’ve just shot you in the leg.
You - it really hurts
Him - stop being emotionally abusive.