He wants a situationship, but is acting more like a boyfriend

[FairBee]

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

I think part of you enjoys the " messing with your head " bit because it keeps you on your toes but he is openly downgrading you because you have children.
The children are the most important part of your life.
He sounds like trouble .
What made him think he could appropriate your life and your holiday flat and act as if your kids,are nothing but a burden.
How is that good for you?

What made him think he could appropriate your life and your holiday flat and act as if your kids,are nothing but a burden.
How is that good for you?

Read this again.

He has no interest in the most important things in your life, your children. If you have him in your home eating dinner and staying overnight, they could get attached to someone who really doesn't want them around. You need to put up some really strong boundaries with him trying to push you into staying overnight at yours and dinners. He is not safe for your kids because he sees them as something he doesn't want to deal with. Your home is your safe spot for your kids, not a manipulative user.

He wants your girlfriend services, sex, cooking, home comforts, use of your holiday place, but not the relationship that goes with them. You're a convenience and he's being very open about that. You said you've developed feelings and with his stated goal of not being a stepparent, this can't go anywhere.

He'll keep you around until he meets someone else he really wants a relationship with.

He has you confused and second guessing yourself and worrying about hurting his feelings. He's got you exactly where he wants you.

Honestly @FairBee he’s either a fuckup in himself, doesn’t know what he wants, or he’s a mindfuck working on you. Take it from someone who’s met plenty that either way - this isn’t good for you. You want to meet someone who’s clear, confident and compassionate. This guy is going to mess with your head so badly if you aren’t careful. You’re so young but please take it from me - this isn’t it. There is much better out there but you have to make sure you’re free to meet it and not fretting about what did he mean when he did XYZ.

Situashionships can be tricky, specially if there's a lot of sex and emotional entanglement which is clearly the case here. One tends to develop feelings (we're human after all) and next thing we know is he's fucking someone else and we can't complain because after all "hey ho we're in a situashionship', so we do all this emotional investment then we get hurt one day, a bit like investing in a bad business, this can also happen in a 'serious' relationship BTW. he does sound like a leech who is taking the piss TBH. I may or may not break with him as I don't know the full story but I would defo put boundaries to this situashionship. Do not introduce him to your children, they deserve better. Be open to meet other guys.

Hopefully you will be able to step away from his cunning endgame words!

Your home is your sanctuary. And your childrens sanctuary. Your children love you and you have a duty of care to them.
No one has the right to play " lets pretend youve got no kids! "
They are a huge part of your life.
He is like a rip - tide....arriving with a subtle force with the intention of ripping you away.
But not honorably .

This sounds like a horrible situation. He wants you to fall for him but will offer no emotional safety or commitment in return. You are worth more than this. Find someone who treats you well, whether that's casual dating with clear boundaries or a more intentional relationship - his idea of a "situationship" is really toxic.

Just occurred to me: have you looked him up under Clares Law.
Obviously its early days and you have seen no signs of domestic violence but that is part of a pattern.
He does seem to be eroding your values.
Hes very cheeky every time he comments how lucky he is not to have the children to think about.
And he's pushing t o make deeper inroads into your life.
How would he react if you ended the chapter and closed the book?
Would he see it as his future meal ticket getting away?
Would he just back off and leave you alone?

You said you've developed feelings and with his stated goal of not being a stepparent, this can't go anywhere.

I don't entirely agree with this point, many parents have relationships that don't involve the other person becoming a step parent. Obviously they don't live together then, but there are many types of relationship and a LAT (living apart together) one is something that can be great for people who want to be together but don't want to blend families.

However, it's a bit unclear whether he is just scared of navigating all of that, or whether he is using it as an excuse? I suppose it also depends on his age and whether he wants to find someone to have kids with.

Is this guy living with his mum and dad?

They do, but he's trying to get his foot in the door of her home. He wants to have the cozy home dinners and stay overnight with her kids there. I don't think a relationship with a man who wants no stepkids and has no interest in even meeting her kids yet expects to be catered to in her and her children's home has a chance of success. Plus they've only been seeing each other since December.

Nope, he hasn’t expressed any desire to meet my children.

I’ve been seeing him almost 6 months now. He’s asked a few times to come over for dinner and to sleep together then leave very early (my sons are really deep sleepers in a large house so I know it wouldn’t wake them),

It's way too soon to be pushing for home dinners and staying over with her kids there. I find that really, really strange since he has no interest in meeting them. There's no way he'd be coming to dinner and staying over and not having some type of accidental encounter. Nothing like running into mom's naked bf going to the bathroom at night. That's him being really pushy and he seems to be pushy about using her holiday place too after a mere few months.

I am confused. I am going to have a chat with him over coffee on Saturday and ask what’s actually happening as this doesn’t feel so casual, and I need to know if this is right for me.

but you don’t seem at all clear on what is “right for me”.

I read the OP and you’re presenting yourself as someone up for casual no frills situation and he’s getting serious. But the more you post - the more is becomes very clear that it is you that wants very very much more that what he’s offering.

Ultimately the man comes across as a 15 year old squirt. But if that floats your boat… before you have your chat on Saturday you need to be clear about what is “right” for you.

And if he does say he wants something more serious - he has already been 100% explicit he has no interest whatsoever in being involved seriously with someone with kids.

So it’s dead in the water from the outset surely, with no future?

Fair point!

Im just a bit concerned that this young stud is so into himself that he seems to think he has the right to take over her life.
He's pulling out the stops right now but he may be aiming to be a cocklodger.
Or he is incapable of thinking of anyone other than his wonderful self?
All these trips abroad may seem romantic but maybe the ONLY way for him to "win her over"
He could be living off mum and dad, not being this gracious carer with the high powered lifestyle.
He's aware of her assets,her home, and her holiday flat.
Hes 100% clear that he wants no responsibilities.
Going for a walk is a very cheap date. Costs nothing!
It sounds a bit like a romance scam.
Whatever choice the OP makes, I hope it works out ok for her and her family.

I’m just relieved you don’t have daughters witnessing you baking a man a cake as a pathetic apology for following someone on instagram.

Agree. Even worse, op seemed like she'd had her eyes opened and decided she would end the relationship, and all it took was this manipulative man giving her a hug for her to become confused and muddled again

You wanted FWB, so you’ve been going on dates, going on holiday together, and in contact every day?!

OP, the pair of you are in a relationship. He’s your boyfriend. Whatever daft labels you put on it, that’s what it boils down to.

may be your over analysing, just enjoy it

If I was a bloke, I think I’d just be glad someone wanted to shag me with no other requirement to spend time speaking to them constantly or spending time with them

but this isn’t you @FairBee . You want a full on relationship.

How did the coffee chat go?

You are the good enough for now girl.
He is controlling.
Doesn't want you, but wants you right there ready for him.
No interest in your boys or ever being a step dad.

Why would you risk your emotions on such a man?

He has been very clear, you have just decided to pretend not to see.

Stop being used until something better comes along.
You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think it is anything more than that.

Either you both want to be in a relationship, or you don’t.

‘Situationship’ is early teen nonsense speak.

It’s either committed or a casual shag when you’re both keen. 🙄

Having a coffee and a chat with him won't help you, because he's never going to say directly that he wants all the commitment from you while giving none himself.

If his behaviour and his words contradict each other, it's because he's trying to deceive you. So there's no point in listening to what he says about the relationship.
If he seems to have completely different standards of behaviour for you and for himself, it's because he does. He sees you as being there to serve him, and it's not mutual.
If you're trying to appease him with cake (very sweet of you!) when he shows his outrageous double standards, you are in a mess and need to get yourself out of it. It's hard to do. It's normal to crave that intimacy. But no-one else can get you out of this relationship. He won't, because it's working just fine for him

It’s too much for a situationship. If you want to keep seeing him just tell him it’s all a bit too much and make yourself unavailable. Also he basically told you that you aren’t a serious option because of your kids, he’s not doing you a favour here, you are the one letting him suck up your time.

Also you should clarify that given it’s a situationship you are still open to meeting other men. He’ll get upset and you’ll realise he probably mean situationship for thee and not for me.

Honestly just dump. If someone said they just wanted sex and then tried to act like I was their girlfriend I’d be quite annoyed.