He wants a situationship, but is acting more like a boyfriend

[FairBee]

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

I think part of you enjoys the " messing with your head " bit because it keeps you on your toes but he is openly downgrading you because you have children.
The children are the most important part of your life.
He sounds like trouble .
What made him think he could appropriate your life and your holiday flat and act as if your kids,are nothing but a burden.
How is that good for you?

What made him think he could appropriate your life and your holiday flat and act as if your kids,are nothing but a burden.
How is that good for you?

Read this again.

He has no interest in the most important things in your life, your children. If you have him in your home eating dinner and staying overnight, they could get attached to someone who really doesn't want them around. You need to put up some really strong boundaries with him trying to push you into staying overnight at yours and dinners. He is not safe for your kids because he sees them as something he doesn't want to deal with. Your home is your safe spot for your kids, not a manipulative user.

He wants your girlfriend services, sex, cooking, home comforts, use of your holiday place, but not the relationship that goes with them. You're a convenience and he's being very open about that. You said you've developed feelings and with his stated goal of not being a stepparent, this can't go anywhere.

He'll keep you around until he meets someone else he really wants a relationship with.

He has you confused and second guessing yourself and worrying about hurting his feelings. He's got you exactly where he wants you.

Honestly @FairBee he’s either a fuckup in himself, doesn’t know what he wants, or he’s a mindfuck working on you. Take it from someone who’s met plenty that either way - this isn’t good for you. You want to meet someone who’s clear, confident and compassionate. This guy is going to mess with your head so badly if you aren’t careful. You’re so young but please take it from me - this isn’t it. There is much better out there but you have to make sure you’re free to meet it and not fretting about what did he mean when he did XYZ.

Situashionships can be tricky, specially if there's a lot of sex and emotional entanglement which is clearly the case here. One tends to develop feelings (we're human after all) and next thing we know is he's fucking someone else and we can't complain because after all "hey ho we're in a situashionship', so we do all this emotional investment then we get hurt one day, a bit like investing in a bad business, this can also happen in a 'serious' relationship BTW. he does sound like a leech who is taking the piss TBH. I may or may not break with him as I don't know the full story but I would defo put boundaries to this situashionship. Do not introduce him to your children, they deserve better. Be open to meet other guys.