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Original poster

He wants a situationship, but is acting more like a boyfriend

155 replies

FairBee · 27/04/2026 18:15

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 27/04/2026 20:06

DeadBug · 27/04/2026 19:16

Men can compartmentalise in a completely different way to women.

He won't bring your children up or be fully involved with someone with children already. He's told you that .

If in future, he wants a full relationship or to have children of his own, he will look for a new partner for this.

Tbf, he's not lied to you. It's completely clear that you're suitable for now while he's so busy. If you're looking for more or are falling for him, then you need to end it now.

This! You are fun for now but he is very clear that there is no future. He's 29, doesn't see himself settling down yet so happy to see you.

Prior to couples insisting on labels you would be a non serious girlfriend.

bigboykitty · 27/04/2026 20:16

JanetNotARobot · 27/04/2026 18:31

ive been in situations like this a long long time ago. What I’ve found it generally boils down to, they want all the comforts of a relationship, they don’t want you to hook up or meet anyone else, but if they hook up or meet up with other women down the line it’s okay because “this is what we agreed”.

i don’t think it means he wants something more, just he likes the emotional attachment with no strings.

This. I think he's got an avoidant attachment style. He craves security and emotional connection, but it triggers his anxiety/fear of being engulfed. He wants exclusivity and coupley times, but always with one foot out of the door. Hence he keeps his life really full and busy so he's unavailable. I think you're pretty incompatible really. You know what you're looking for. He wants both more and less than this. It's confusing to be on the receiving end of it. It sounds like it's already cost him his previous relationship. I'd find someone who's more aligned with what you want.

Endofyear · 27/04/2026 20:31

Sounds like he's enjoying your company and having the 'girlfriend' experience with no strings attached and no commitment. Nothing wrong with that if you're happy with it too and not harbouring hopes that it will turn into something more significant and long term.

Nearly50omg · 27/04/2026 20:59

He might appear to be mr nice guy but he’s using you! Using your house to shag in, wants you making him dinner and wants to sleep in your home like a hotel and even has the bloody cheek to want to use your holiday home for his parents and him!! NO NO!!!

Patientlywaited81 · 27/04/2026 21:08

FairBee · 27/04/2026 18:32

He had never questioned me following other men (i do). Just men from his following that he knows personally (in this scenario, it was a cousin). Understandably as I don’t want him following my friends or cousins either

But yeah, definitely has ramped up the communication expectation. Has also expressed that he wants to stay over at my house for dinner but I’ve said no. And kept that as a no. Had also asked to use my holiday flat in Malaga with his mum and dad for a weekend, to which I’ve also lightly played off as a joke but think he’s serious

Show quote history

Omg op

you are no where near ready for a relationship. Reread this post.

and as for I know the fact I have children is a massive deal breaker for him. He has made it really clear. And I get it. … and you say you are developing feelings for him??

ArtAngel · 27/04/2026 21:57

Just have a frank and open conversation with him.

Be honest about your thoughts and feelings and ask him to be honest and open about his.

Then decide whether it is possible to continue on any casual-style basis, or have an acknowledged relationship. And if not, say goodbye.

raisinglittlepeople12 · 27/04/2026 22:05

He’s wasting your time

Mumlaplomb · 27/04/2026 22:11

I haven’t read the full thread op but I sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants the perks of a girlfriend and to be able to call the shots and have your loyalty. But he doesn’t want tthe burden of a relationship. I don’t really understand the “situation ship” thing but this sounds quite an odd dynamic to me.

BestZebbie · 27/04/2026 23:39

Aiui - situation ship is when the “today” bit of being in a relationship is the same as being in a relationship, but it is understood that the future bit of eg: eventually merging finance, compromising on anything meaningful in your lives to plan together, care if one person becomes seriously ill, being involved with each other’s kids etc etc won’t ever be happening.
FWB is more a person you can call if you are a bit bored/lonely and want a shag, because they might be willing to have one too - you are a good terms with each other and can hang around and chat before going home etc, but you don’t really hang out socially and there is no expectation of exclusivity or even necessarily being available on any given night if called.

Original poster
FairBee · 27/04/2026 23:47

BestZebbie · 27/04/2026 23:39

Aiui - situation ship is when the “today” bit of being in a relationship is the same as being in a relationship, but it is understood that the future bit of eg: eventually merging finance, compromising on anything meaningful in your lives to plan together, care if one person becomes seriously ill, being involved with each other’s kids etc etc won’t ever be happening.
FWB is more a person you can call if you are a bit bored/lonely and want a shag, because they might be willing to have one too - you are a good terms with each other and can hang around and chat before going home etc, but you don’t really hang out socially and there is no expectation of exclusivity or even necessarily being available on any given night if called.

Yep, this is how I understand it to be

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 27/04/2026 23:57

FairBee · 27/04/2026 18:15

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

He wants you to act like a partner while he just acts like A FWB He wants it both ways.

Brambel · Yesterday 01:11

FairBee · 27/04/2026 18:44

Hmm, very possibly.

He last got his heartbroken because he told the girl he wanted just a situationship. She wanted more, he didn’t. She ended up meeting someone and ended it. He developed feelings prior to this and begged her to stay and give it a go as a proper couple. She said no

6 months down the line she’s now engaged and just got given the deposit for a house (he has mutual friends with her new partner)

Something tells me he’d be hurt if I ended it too. Not because he wanted me that much. But possibly because, ego. Or is that being unfair? I don’t know

Show quote history

Ok I’ve got it - this man has avoidant tendencies and commitment issues. There’s a pattern here. He strings women along and doesn’t want to commit.

Run. And don’t look back!

99bottlesofkombucha · Yesterday 02:04

FairBee · 27/04/2026 18:55

I think this is true.

I can also feel myself slowly liking him more and more. Need to tread wisely there

I don’t see the point in wasting so much emotional energy and time if this is definitely never going anywhere

Thing is, he’s so honest and was upfront at the start

But has confused me by becoming more.. I don’t know. Keen to tell me and talk to me about everything. Discussing holidays and going to France again with me. All that type of stuff

If I was a bloke, I think I’d just be glad someone wanted to shag me with no other requirement to spend time speaking to them constantly or spending time with them

Show quote history

Dude. You wanted NOT to be a couple, I need a bit more space than this. Stop expecting couple level commitment when you are so clear you could never commit to me, it’s hypocritical and controlling.

its so immature that he was heartbroken when his last ‘situationship’ that he insisted on it only being a situation ship ended because she wanted more. He just isn’t emotionally mature, basically wants you committed and him to get the constant attention and contact that suits but also with options ‘because I was really clear with you’

Newnamehiwhodis · Yesterday 02:33

His wanting to use your holiday flat leaps out to me as a massive red flag.
sometimes people come on STRONGLY as “honest” by being overly communicative about the things they’re willing to share, but it’s a kind of misdirection, and they’re actually quite dishonest and have ulterior motives.
it sounds like that here.
youve listed a lot of good things about him in the community etc, but his actions with you seem like the actions of a very weak and egotistical man. He may talk a big talk, but I wouldn’t trust this one.
he’s trying to slowly insinuate himself further. No good.

HappiestSleeping · Yesterday 02:58

"Situationship" "FWB" "FB", all the stress about who follows who on whatever social media platform.....

I'm glad I'm not in this market anymore, it would do my head in. Way too complicated.

Allmychickenscometoroost · Yesterday 04:20

Newnamehiwhodis · Yesterday 02:33

His wanting to use your holiday flat leaps out to me as a massive red flag.
sometimes people come on STRONGLY as “honest” by being overly communicative about the things they’re willing to share, but it’s a kind of misdirection, and they’re actually quite dishonest and have ulterior motives.
it sounds like that here.
youve listed a lot of good things about him in the community etc, but his actions with you seem like the actions of a very weak and egotistical man. He may talk a big talk, but I wouldn’t trust this one.
he’s trying to slowly insinuate himself further. No good.

This is exactly what I thought. He's not even being particularly subtle here, He's also been pushing to come for dinner and stay overnight. He sounds like he could become very manipulative. Definitely don't let him use your holiday home.

I'm also suspicious about the heartbreak story He's told you when you met. Now you're too busy feeling sorry for him to really look at what's going on. He didn't want this woman and only wanted her when she met someone else. Basically he just wants to have his cake and to eat it too. He's not a safe person to be around especially as you have children.

DeftGoldHedgehog · Yesterday 04:29

I'd tell him to shut the fuck up about looking at who I follow on social media, regardless what you decide. I'd not see someone again personally if they started any controlling shite. Life's too short.

FrauPaige · Yesterday 04:31

We often tend to escalate relationships to cohabitation because want to reduce the crushing burden of rent/mortgage payments by splitting them between two people, and because we want to solidify the relationship by having a joint child.

If you don't need to pool finances and don't want to expand your family, this relationship model which you refer to as a "situationship" sounds excellent.

It's called "dating".

You have companionship, monogamy, each time you meet the person is an occasion so you preserve the allure in the relationship, and you have electric intimacy.

"Situationship" is "dating" with mismatched intentions and ambiguity. You remove the ambiguity - if it exists - with communication.

As long as you are on the same page, what's not to like?

CurlewKate · Yesterday 05:21

You should have dumped him the second he said who you can and can’t follow on SM.

category12 · Yesterday 05:28

Ugh.

One of these guys who wants you to fall in love with him, and then when you're hooked will back off, screaming "you knew what this was!"

Patientlywaited81 · Yesterday 06:42

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sunnydisaster · Yesterday 06:46

Isn’t FWB a situation ship?
I have to say I’m in my 50s and I don’t ‘get’ modern dating. I see what goes on w my own DD and I’m 🤷‍♀️
Siunds like this bloke if yours is having his cake and eating it.
Enjoying all the benefits of a relationship without committing.

GimmieABreakOr3 · Yesterday 06:49

Situationships are a myth imo. You are in a relationship essentially but an uncommitted one. I wouldn’t advise it - as human beings, it’s natural for feelings to develop.

BreadstickBurglar · Yesterday 06:56

@FairBee The thing that really worries me is that you made him a cake to apologise for something that was a complete non issue. It says to me that you’re just not in a very robust place at the moment emotionally. If you were feeling strong you’d have just gone “oh that’s your cousin? I didn’t know” and then either forgotten about it or unfollowed if that’s the agreement you mutually have.

But also why the not wanting to follow anyone the other person knows? You must live quite nearby and have mutual acquaintances at least?