He wants a situationship, but is acting more like a boyfriend

[FairBee]

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

Hmm, very possibly.

He last got his heartbroken because he told the girl he wanted just a situationship. She wanted more, he didn’t. She ended up meeting someone and ended it. He developed feelings prior to this and begged her to stay and give it a go as a proper couple. She said no

6 months down the line she’s now engaged and just got given the deposit for a house (he has mutual friends with her new partner)

Something tells me he’d be hurt if I ended it too. Not because he wanted me that much. But possibly because, ego. Or is that being unfair? I don’t know

If he's acting one way but doesn't want to meet your dcs and you're getting more attached understandably then you're heading for heartbreak. What a shame he's being like this. You'll be upset but better than 6 more months when you could've met someone else.

If you split from your husband at 25/26, how much adult relationship experience do you have?

The human race is doomed.

Bloody hell… the more you describe him the more like a rather peculiar and simpering teenager he sounds.

If this chap was at the helm… I’d agree!

Well, considering she sounds about 13, I imagine not much.
Must have been a child bride.

I got married at 22 so not much!

Enough though. I knew I didn’t want to be a maybe to someone. It’s a mistake not to have kept the boundary of just sex or nothing.

Here I am though, in this nonsense. I don’t think it’s fair to blame my age or experience. I’ve seen 45+ posting about similar stories or worse when it comes to being blindsided and messed around

Sounds to me like that he likes your company and shagging you but it doesn't see it having any long term future.

At least he's been upfront and not stringing you along.

It sounds as though you like him and are liking him more and more the longer this goes on.

Up to you if you want to invest time on this. Personally it would be a no from me.

You're still young. If you want a committed relationship in the future, don't potentially waste these years on someone who isn't going to give it to you.

A situationship in my view is like a sexual version of a situational friendship.

You are basically a strictly temporary couple, with no expectation that the situation will continue beyond whatever it is that brought you together. Like I know someone who did an academic exchange and had a situationship for the six months she was in that person's country, but she was very clear that she wouldn't be pursuing anything long distance after she returned home. It was a relationship purely based on the current situation.

I mean, are you sure you and he and using the terms in the same way?

Because you said you wanted to be fuckbuddies, but that's not what you're doing.

What do you want? Just tell him exactly what you’re looking for (you can call it whatever you want, it doesn’t matter, just tell him the requirements you’re looking for). He will either want the same or something else. Then you can take it from there. Labels don’t really mean anything as people interpret words differently. Just be clear what your expectations are.

It’s the fact that you can’t see how childish he seems. You say 29 but read your posts… he comes across as simpering weird 15 year old boy.

That just reinforces what I think. He’s literally playing out the exact same scenario, but this time looking to control/change the ending.

I’d honestly end it.He’s not worth the drama or the eventual heartbreak as you get more attached. You are not this man’s emotional support animal .

I think this is true.

I can also feel myself slowly liking him more and more. Need to tread wisely there

I don’t see the point in wasting so much emotional energy and time if this is definitely never going anywhere

Thing is, he’s so honest and was upfront at the start

But has confused me by becoming more.. I don’t know. Keen to tell me and talk to me about everything. Discussing holidays and going to France again with me. All that type of stuff

If I was a bloke, I think I’d just be glad someone wanted to shag me with no other requirement to spend time speaking to them constantly or spending time with them

He doesn't want to be with you long term, but doesn't want you seeing anyone else, has a teenage strop about not being enough*, wants all the benefits of a relationship. He's stringing you along until he finds a better option. Sorry OP but he's got you right where he wants you, all on his terms. You may also have got him right where you want him, in which case that's great, carry on. If you want only fwb, dump him and find a fwb. If you want a ltr, dump him. If you think you're going to get hurt when he inevitably ends this, end it now yourself.

*What did you say to this?? Hopefully you said he's not enough because that's the point, he's just an interim shag. Rather than doing the simpering he wanted to feed his ego.

He sounds like a tosser btw.

Gosh, I must be even more of a dinosaur than I thought. Your description of a 'situationship' just sounds like a casual relationship. I don't understand what makes it particularly different.

Sounds like your both still at school

Goodness, this is where I made a mistake

I apologised and baked him a school icing style cake with sprinkles as he’d been talking about it

What a silly girl I’ve been

Are you kidding? Honestly

I think you are absolutely bang on the money.

I’m not kidding. It’s because I felt so bad about it. The guy was his cousin (I didn’t know that). But I did know he would’ve known him… so shouldn’t have followed him as I don’t really want him following my friends or cousins either

Hello, my now husband kind of did this- we started out as FB and it was great, we both agreed to keep it casual, ie night out hookups. Then he’d message me mid week, then ask me round most nights. I was falling hard for him. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship though. I ended up cutting it off because I knew I’d developed strong feelings and I kind of felt rejected by the lack of wanting to commit. I told him this then went no contact blocked him on everything. He added me back 4 weeks later basically begging me back. I was reluctant but wanted to hear him out. He apologised and said he was scared how fast it moved and he really missed me. We’re together 9 years and 3 years married now. But I always wonder what would have happened if I allows us to continue how it was going! Moral of the story don’t let him fuck you about and have it all his way. Even if it means loosing the good sex 😂 good luck!

God op

you aren’t ready for a relationship. You married at 22, split by 26. Just enjoy being an independent woman. You don’t need a man. Focus on you, your boys, your career.

Honestly all this nonsense is just so….silly

He seems very preoccupied with labels - asking what it is on a second date and then specifying “situationship” which really isn’t a thing. Maybe just see how it goes.

Or just dump him before you go all gooey and start baking him any more cakes and looking longingly into jewellery shop windows while flicking your hair???