He wants a situationship, but is acting more like a boyfriend

[FairBee]

Met a guy who goes to the same spin class as me back in December. I split from my husband 9 months ago at the time, he had just been left my an ex situationship because she wanted a real relationship with the new guy she met. He was really heartbroken.

We are both 29, same birthday month. He’s never been married, no children. I have 2 sons.

We hooked up on the first date. Second date we went got a walk and he asked me what I thought ‘this’ was. In my mind, it was casual sex with the possibility of being long term FWB.

He said he couldn’t do a relationship and wanted a situationship. I said I don’t do those. I’m not looking for a relationship really, but I’m happy to be f* buddies.

Since then, we talk every day. Meet up once or twice a week. Have been to France together for the weekend, go for lunch together and sleep together regularly at hotels. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in messaging tone. Just the speed and intensity, and keenness to speak to me seems to have ramped up. Wants to talk on the phone in the evenings, and check in daily. Sends me videos and chats, wants my opinion on everything

2 weeks ago, I followed his cousin (didn’t know it was his cousin), on Instagram. He was really upset and was asking why I was looking for other men, it makes him look bad. And makes him feel like he isn’t enough. I apologised since in all fairness, I don’t want him following any of my friends or cousins, and blocked the cousin.

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario. Seems more than FWB. I have developed some feelings for him. I now care about the guy. And as a result the sex feels better. The sex is great. So I’d really miss it!

I thought, maybe, he might want a relationship after all? Maybe? I wasn’t trying to kid myself. But the signs suggested it might be true.

Today we went for coffee and a walk by the sea. Really lovely. Then someone happened between a couple, can’t even remember what they were doing, and he made a comment along the lines of ‘If we were together, which we are NOT, I’d think we’d do xyz’

I remember on our 3rd date, we had just slept together and he was speaking about his brother having problems with his partner, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship, and they gave 2 kids of their own. He said ‘it also made me further realise how much I don’t want to be a stepdad. So much work involved, and then having your own child and having to navigate that relationship being different to the one you have with step children. It’s all a bit mad’.

What do you think is going on here? I’ll be honest, I’ve really enjoyed his company. So don’t mind these outings alongside the sex. But it has ALL been instigated by him. So if he just wants sex, why all the dates and time away? Why not just stick to sex and maybe going for a drink or whatever every now and then? Keep it surface level

I have made it clear and haven’t given the impression I need dates or plans to have sex. I was happy to just keep it as sex.

Why has he pushed it into this odd set up? I’ve obviously allowed it, I know.

So, he wants you to act like you’re in a relationship with him, but he doesn’t have to commit, essentially?

And his last girlfriend dumped him over it, so he thought he’d try the exact same thing again with you?

Then what’s your issue, Isn’t he meeting the definition of a situautonship as you understand it. Isn’t tne issue here you want it to become a relationship and he doesn’t?

Had also asked to use my holiday flat in Malaga with his mum and dad for a weekend, to which I’ve also lightly played off as a joke but think he’s serious

He's totally after using you for everything he can get.

Jesus this is a sad and damaging way to go about things. Casual sex, FWB, even casual dating, cool. Living like you're in a relationship but with no commitment to each other around emotional safety is just awful and self destructive. I'm glad this 'relationship' archetype never existed when I was in my 20s.

A FWB set up can be as much or as little as the F side as you want.

The issue here is that his way isn’t working for you, and that’s because he’s muddying the waters.

His “if we were in a relationship, which we are NOT…” comment is very telling. People don’t make those comments in that situation unless they want to be in a relationship, or want you to want to be in a relationship.

There are a lot of men who want the casualness of FWB for them, but they want the availability and exclusiveness from the woman. He sounds like one of them. He wants you to be as available and exclusive as a girlfriend, but without him being required to do the same in return.

He wants all the benefits of a relationship, but he also wants to feel zero obligation towards you/be able to drop you at a moment's notice and say "well I did tell you I didn't want to be a stepdad/didn't want an actual relationship".

Jesus OP. Wake up and don’t make another mistake - you sound like you have your head screwed on. This guy is a fucking tosser who has got you right where he wants you - says nasty things about never ever wanting to be a stepdad knowing you have two boys, pretends to be a boyfriend, controls who you can follow, demands your time through the day, gets laid. Then you bake a cake for him!! Dump him and find a real FWB. this guy is a twat no matter how ‘good’ he looks on paper. He’s just waiting for someone else without kids to come along. You are better than this.

Well yes…. It’s silly game playing on his part. He was in the wrong and you made him a cake to say sorry.

Yep I came here to say this.

He would feel a loser without a 'girlfriend' but doesn't want any of the ties or obligations.

It's definitely confusing OP but a good person wouldn't try to control you or ask for access to your holiday flat..because he put the limits on

Have you had a conversation with him in which you have defined things like that? As I do think people's interpretations of these concepts vary and there can be a very fine line between one thing and the other (and then again actual relationships).

On the face of it, it seems like he doesn't really know what he wants though! Situationships can be particularly blurry I think.

What the hell is the difference between a situationship, F-buddies and FWB?

Guys like these are the absolute worst. They have serious emotional/ego/commitment issues and always want what they don’t have.

They say they want no commitment, but they actually want you to be in love with them and to want commitment, just so they can push you away and feel in control or some such ego nonsense. Then when you finally meet a decent guy and leave them, suddenly they are in love with you! What a coincidence!

This is what happened to his last ‘partner’. And he acts like the victim and uses it to make you feel sorry for him!

Think about, he is deliberately love bombing and teasing you especially ‘we would be cute like that couple we just saw if we were together’. Come on, he is deliberately messing with your head.

Deliberately making you feel like a partner in all ways, but telling you you’re not a partner so you can’t be mad at him.

Think about, he is deliberately love bombing and teasing you especially ‘we would be cute like that couple we just saw if we were together’. Come on, he is deliberately messing with your head.
Deliberately making you feel like a partner in all ways, but telling you you’re not a partner so you can’t be mad at him.

This is very true. It's a really weird thing to say.

He wants boyfriend treatment without the putting in the effort or commitment.

Been there done that, if he goes off with another woman, he’ll use the excuse you were never together.

Id just go cold with him. Follow new men on social media or get back on the dating apps. He’ll soon come running back. If he protests, turn around and say you’re not wanting to be together so I’m entitled to meet someone else.

It’s alright for them to do but they don’t like it the other way around!

He really likes you but not your situation (2 kids) which is fair enough. This 'situationship' isn't a relationship for this unchangeable reason. There's no future here so don't get your hopes up x

I sort of feel like I’ve definitely crossed my own boundary and ended up in this bloody ‘situationship’ scenario

Yes you have.

Also a 'situationship' for a lot of men is just someone who wants the nice bits of a relationship, at a timetable that is convenient for them, none of the emotional obligation and they also want permission to have sex with other women.....but they don't really want YOU don't the same. You're supposed to be available to them and keep yourself exclusive.

But from his point of view, why spend all this time and invest all these emotions and energy on someone you don’t want

Because he's probably confused. He doesn't want a relationship with someone who has children, but he's spent so much time with you and had sex so many times that he's naturally confused at doing very intimate things with someone who isn't actually his girlfriend.

End it OP. He's too conflicted for this to end well.

This, but I don't think any such running back would be longterm. Just a momentary panic and trouble would start brewing a few months later as he tires of being in a committed relationship.

I have to say I don't totally understand the kids issue, fair enough he doesn't want to be a stepdad but lots of single parents have long term relationships without blending families or their partner entering a parent role.

I think maybe he sees you as his Bridgette Jones!

Same experience here. I tended to assume men were very binary when it comes to relationships - that they either see it as ‘just sex’ (FWB) or a serious relationship. What I learnt is there’s a lot of men who want the benefits of a girlfriend (sex, but also the days out, emotional support, someone to text through the day etc) without having to carry any of the responsibilities of a relationship (consistency, things moving forward etc). A situationship is their get out of jail free card. They get to treat you as their girlfriend when it suits them and then ‘we agreed this isn’t serious’ if you assume this means you actually are their girlfriend!

I'm going to differ and say maybe his feelings are changing hence why he said what he said at the beach - maybe he's fishing. There's only one way to know for sure and that is to discuss the situation. You them know and can address the future.

Good on the last woman who dumped his sorry arse. He was heartbroken because of his ego, probably didn't fathom that a woman would wise up to know she deserved better, and is thriving. Take a leaf out of her book.

Guys like him follow the same rulebook. They want access to your body (and in this case, a holiday flat) without any due care or consideration to your heart and soul. They need to be the dumper, not the dumpee. Should the other party protest: "Well, we never said this was exclusive/I was honest with you from the start that I'd treat you like garbage/" so they can walk away without ever being labelled 'the bad guy' because nothing is worse than that (except maybe being bad in bed). And you made him a bloody CAKE! Wise up, OP.

Situationship? What is that - sounds like young teens language. 🙄

It sounds like you both were newly out of relationships & both said you both wanted to remain free from ties, & he doesnt want to be step dad. however you are both getting increasingly attached to one another.
Asking him, seems like a good move, “How are you feeling because I’m enjoying our friendship, You call me alot, I look forward to seeing you, but we both said we wanted no ties. its confusing , should we call it a day ?”