Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

For the sake of his future wife, train him to pay and be a man

What the heck? What a tragic viewpoint to have. Do you define masculinity by who pays?

I have sons. They treat women as equals. I’m pleased to say they’d run a mile from someone with a viewpoint like this. Not that they’re likely to come across any.

what an incredibly stupid and toxic instagram style comment- a real man would stick you with the bill and leave

Absolutely not! He is not a walking wallet for his future wife. They can split things fairly.

We should not live in a world where the man is expected to pay for everything.

He sees me pay my way and although his poor dad had previously been conditioned to pay for everything by his mum, he’s seen things change over the years. He has said, more than once, that he has more respect for me as I won’t let a man control me financially and that I am totally financially self sufficient.

I've no idea what point you are trying to make. My point is, things are different to when my generation were at university and that it is not beneficial looking at what 19 year olds do through a 1990s lens as to do so is to be devoid of context.

This comment tells me a lot about him and you tbh. There was an interesting thing I read recently about young men wanting glamorous, love island women but can’t afford the glamorous love island life. If he wants to be with someone who spends a lot on their appearance and wants to go to fancy places, he need to accept the cost involved. It sounds like he can’t afford the women he thinks he’s entitled to which is interesting. There’s so much scope in understanding modern dating dynamics, it fascinates me. Social media and incel culture, expectations, entitlement, even shows like euphoria etc all present different ideas about love and relationships. When I was a student I’d happily go halves with my bf (who I later married!) because we were both broke and living on a student loan BUT our dates were a takeaway pizza or one drink out before heading home to watch a film. I know women who spend thousands on themselves in terms of hair, make up, clothes and they want a certain lifestyle and fair play to them tbh. It’s a different world to mine but I respect their right to set boundaries and expectations. The point is they are investing in themselves so men will invest in them - we can critique it all we want but it’s a choice they’ve made. If your son wants that kind of woman, I guess he pays!

But can the young women really afford that kind of lifestyle or are they simply looking for someone to pay it for them?

Are we talking about a 3 course dinner in an expensive restaurant? Or a simple 1 course meal in a small student/budget friendly place? If your son is dating a lot, why not starting with a simple coffee date?
I would think that the majority of women INVITED on a date would be pleased to hear if the man offers to pay for it. But perhaps I’m just old.
I’d say for both parties: date within your budget.

I can’t say I have a lot of respect for women who invest in themselves so men will invest in them. I spend a lot on my appearance and also like to go to nice places. I definitely don’t expect men to fund it.

Ridiculous. He is not a dog and men and women are equal regardless of your view.

I pay my way in my relationship too and am also financially sufficient. But I wouldn't go on a second date with a man that didn't pay for the first one!! You don't have to be a princess or a gold digger to want a date to be paid for my the person asking you on it.

You know all those posts about nightmare mother in laws that we see on mumsnet? There's going to be a few about you to come in the future I reckon!!

I asked my oldest if it went well and he saw it going somewhere he’d offer to pay
but he’d did say more often than not the woman want to pay her 1/2

if there was no offer and an expectation he pays no matter how well it went he’d see her as a freeloader and run for the hills

A lot of the insta type girls / women use so many filters it would be hard to even recognise them in real life

Ive had nights outs with friends and we have taken a few pics
and when I see them on SM I only recognise them by the outfit they have on 😂

Why should the man pay for the first date?

My preference is that the man pays for the first date or for the majority of, ie if we are doing an activity or going to a gig, I would prefer he buys the tickets. I’ll always contribute by offering to buy drinks etc.
More than anything I find it more romantic / a demonstration of interest.

I’ve never been financially dependant on a man and never ever would be.

Thats just how it is. The same way that a women will generally be expected to take the mans surname, that a man would generally open the door for a women. Chivalry. Even now men are often paid more than women so I expect thats how the expectation started. Appreciate that doesnt affect your son right now

What do you do to demonstrate how romantic and interested you are?

Half and I tell my children this.

The person inviting the other person on the date should pay.
Is your son asking these people on a date?? Or are they asking him??

Bit of both apparently, it seems to be they chat on snap first, then meet up.

He’s just got in from having lunch with a girl who paid as she had a gift card. They are planning to meet up in the week. He just said to me that he will pay for that meal. He also walked her back to her accommodation which I thought was cute. I also think that’s far more romantic than him paying for the first date.

You're scaring me. It doesn't matter what you think is romantic when it comes to your son.

There's nothing wrong with him paying for the first date which is what you seem to be annoyed about/ what this post is about. It's standard practice and not out of the ordinary at all. Does not mean the girl is a princess or gold digger.

The girl offering to pay cos she has a gift card is a completely different scenario to a man inviting someone on a date and then expecting the invited to pay / split.
Your son knows this which is why he has been paying and why he's been fine with the girl paying with her gift card.
Your son seems to know what he's doing. I dont think you need to be involved as you are. Leave him to it!!

Behave! Scaring you!

I wanted opinions/experiences.

Someone said it was romantic for a man to pay for the first date. I simply said I think it’s more romantic for someone to walk you home. I’d hardly say I’m involved. He phoned for another reason and then mentioned he’d been out for a nice lunch. That’s hardly involved.

Respectfully, that’s none of your business.

Neither are your thoughts about what men should do to demonstrate their romance and keenness but as you were willing to volunteer that information I thought a simple follow-up question wasn't unreasonable. But I have no wish to make you uncomfortable so I'll leave it at that.

I don’t think he is inviting someone on a date. I think one of them will make a suggestion to meet up. I’m not 100% sure though.