Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

Isn’t it our job as parents to guide when they are making choices that aren’t necessarily the best for them? I’m not talking about controlling but offering other points of view.

What the heck 1950s bullshit did I just read?

This is the most outdated and embarrassing viewpoint. Modern men aren’t expecting a woman to meet some checklist of nails, hair, etc. A date isn’t transactional whereby participants are offsetting costs 😂😂

If your daughters are dating men like this, they need to think again. They also need to learn what equality and self-respect means.

Agree!

Yes, but ultimately if that’s the sort of woman he wants to date then I doubt there’s much you can say that will change that. What’s important to him in a woman won’t be the same as what you think should be important to him in a woman.

I think it should be 50/50 and it certainly was when I was at university (25 years + ago!). However when I was dating in my 30s I quickly saw a pattern that if a man was reluctant to pay on the early dates it meant he either wasn’t that into me or he was generally tight (with his money but not mine). I’m generous so a tight man doesn’t work. I guess because men are socialised to pay more, if they like you they tend to. However i always did a cheap coffee/ drink date first just to check there was an attraction and potential there.

My sons always paid on the first date and then would probably split the bill or take turns etc.

I think it’s good that he is able to be open with you and his Dad. When I was a student it was very much vouchers, discount cards and 50:50. We were all poor. It was over 25 years ago so no social media, different times.

As a mum to a 15 year old boy, I absolutely believe he should be paying for their dates and treats/gifts for her (well I pay for him due to his age). In a world where chivalry is dead, I am raising him to treat women/girls well. He has had a steady girlfriend for just shy of a year and I am proud of how I see him treat her. I don't see any reason to try to change his mentality and if your son believes that's what is right then who are you to say different.

My daughters are 19 and 25 and neither would allow a date to take them out and pay for everything

No, they are not. It's 2026. Women need to stop taking the piss and stand on their own feet.

Women expect equality so they need to split evenly

I’m not sure there are any hard and fast rules. I know at that age I would never have expected the boy to pay. I mean, it’s nice if they offer, and then it’s up to her whether to accept. But I’d never expect it, and I’d always be offering up my share. It’s sad that some girls would expect the boy to pay for everything- where’s the self respect? I’ll be teaching my daughter to always prepare to pay her share.

I don't believe men should be expected to pay for everything in a relationship, but for a first date then yes, the man pays.

So if a man does pay, then the woman can no longer expect to be treated as an equal?
I pay for things for my husband all the time and vice versa.
Standard rules are that the man pays for the first date. Next one she can return the favour.

Two things:
why is he going on so many ‘dates’. Surely just pick someone you like and date each other for a while?!
I would always expect a man to pay on a first date, I’d always insist on paying for the second date though. If I’m into you and we’re going on a date, I’ve spent a lot of money preparing for the date before I even arrive.

It's almost as if not everyone is looking for the exact same thing in a relationship. Who'd have thought it!?

Ridiculous.

my so n (22) does pay for his dates. He pretty much always has. I have no idea why - my DD (20) would insist on paying (though she hasn’t been on a date as far as I know). His first GF was a bit high maintenance so may have given him the idea that guys pay. Not sure if this is how most guys his age do it
Me, I always pay initially. If the guy earns a lot more (as my DH did), I may let them pay as the relationship progresses, but if on par then I’d pay or we’d take turns.

When my 6th former DD went out for dinner on the weekend with 1 female friend and 2 male friends (all just friends, so not a date) the boys insisted on paying.

I was quite surprised when she came home and told me. But then she said that the boys often buy the drinks at the pub too and rarely let the girls pay.

So I guess it’s still the same as when I was young. That said, they are all pretty affluent with sizeable allowances I imagine.

Why does accepting a date being paid for mean that the girls have no self respect? The girls probably have no money either so if he is asking them to do various activities, why should he not pay - at least the first date? You said he was going for princessy type girls, i doubt he is contributing to their clothes, make up, fake tan and hair extensions. Its all relative.

What is he doing on the dates?

Social media and OLD has made dating at university nothing like how it was 30 years ago. Students are not dragging themselves around in jeans and a top to pound-a-pint nights anymore. The girls now have a highly curated love island aesthetic and are always social media capture ready. The guys increasingly have a curated and groomed wealthy Dubai look. Both are trying to express aspirational "best life" successful lifestyles. The current dating culture reflects this curation and aspiration.

Both parties have infinite choice due to OLD, so ghosting and the never ending first date cycle is often the norm as someone with a more interesting Instagram inevitably comes along and catches the eye.

It is an absolute minefield for young people seeking connection at university today.

@CaribbeanChaos My advice is to tell your son to not pay and to understand that in doing so he is selecting a girl that will be a partner to him in the future, and is filtering out the princesses who will hinder his development. Unless he has significant generational wealth, he won't be able to afford a princess, and will bankrupt himself tying to at some point in his life. Learning good dating hygiene starts now.

Good grief I thought all that finished in the 70s? I have always paid half and never expected anyone to pay completely, while yes it’s nice but not first dates, only when you can confidently repay the favour to the same person. Be wary of anyone male or female who expect this.

That's nonsense. Some young people might subscribe to that aesthetic, but a lot don't. They're not a hivemind, all sucking on the teat of Instagram.

Is this a "he is picking girls who expect to be treated and sit there and demand he pays" situation or a "the bill comes, they both get out their wallet and he tries to impress by saying he will get it" situation. Both result in him paying, but the answer to the situations are slightly different. If he likes princess type girls, then that's his issue. Of the girls offer to pay but he feels he should, or thinks he looks better if he does, then he needs to have some self confidence and realise he brings more than just the bill!

I have absolutely no doubt there are girls demanding the man pays out there. It's a social media thing, and just as we see some of the new but actually old school sexist things play out on social media (trad wives, manosphere etc) it'll mean a return to this value in some areas/types of people too. Equality and thoughts about equality between the genders are actually less in the teen/early 20s community now than they were 10 years ago according to a recent survey. This will be a small side effect of that. The Louis theroux docu is interesting, but if he's seen any of those influencers then they put a lot of value on men having money (cars, lifestyle) and women looking good. It's horrid.

Had this very same conversation with a group of friends last week. We are all married and ancient, but the women (most of whom are high earners and definitely not financially dependent on a man) all agreed that a man paying on a first date is their preference. Anecdotally, we have all found that men who don’t want to pay for a first date are….ungenerous in other areas, particularly the bedroom! To be fair, all the men agreed that they would pay too.
That said, it’s about a million years since any of us have been on a date! And if you are regularly going on dates, I can see why men shouldn’t always be expected to pay.
If I was 18 again, I think I’d expect the man to buy the first round of drinks for example, without question, but I’d get the second. And thinking back, my now DH paid for our first date and I paid for the second.
I would never date anyone who whipped out a calculator or who paid his exact cost. Gives me the ick.