Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

Has a woman actually said that to him? Or is it something he's assuming?

I'd have thought in these modern times, that they'd discuss and agree about how pays beforehand? If they can't have that kind of open dialogue about money, then do they have a compatible future at all?

I cringe when I see posts on MN about women who feel aggrieved that their date allowed them to pay half on their first date, when they only offered to go halves as a gesture and didn't expect to have to pay their half. Other posts when they've got to the bill and there's been awkward silences where the bloke is expecting them to pay (half or all).

Just talk it through beforehand. How hard can it be?? The doubt seems to be "killing" the atmosphere of a lot of dates because neither party seems capable of talking about it.

No wonder there are so many other kinds of post about people living together, having children together, and only then, at such a late stage, do they start asking who should be paying for what? Talk about it before getting pregnant, talk about it before moving in together!

No, there's no such thing. It's all a great big scam which always leaves women worse off.

I’m far too long out of the dating pool to know what’s normal now.

I’d let him choose how he does it, but wouldn’t be increasing any money I gave him to support his dating habits. He’ll soon learn to economise if mum and dad aren’t filling the hole in his finances, or he has to work more to cover his costs.

I don’t think dating at uni is necessarily about having a compatible future.

I meant situation really as it who organises, plans, chooses a venue. For example I know a friend of mine was asked on a date by quite a wealthy man, he organised it, chose the venue, didn’t share any of the details just a “its a surprise, pick you up at 7” scenario- to a very expensive place so much so that the menu doesn’t even list prices kind of expensive and he then expected her to pay half of what had ended up being a £390 bill. If she had known she was going to pay she would have steered towards a place she could really afford.

As a woman I’d pay for myself

Then she should have grown a pair beforehand and insisted he either tell her where they were going or made it clear she expected him to pick up the entire bill.

IMO, it depends how he’s approaching these dates. Is he asking random girls out on dates? He should be offering to pay.
If they’re chatting and both suggest to meet up, they should be offering 50% each.

As a student, is he dating? Or is he looking for someone to take home for the night? That isn’t dating, that’s… prowling? 😂 is he attempting to get to know any of them or is he being a #toplad 🙄

Woah. Hang on. How is equality a scam?

Ditto. I always expected to pay for myself. If my "date" paid out of convenience or he'd pre-paid for an attraction or entry fee etc, then I'd pay the next time or I'd give him the cash at the time for my share. I did my utmost to ensure I was "equal" on any dates, days out, attractions, holidays, etc. No way was I going into any relationship on the basis of not being equal. It's always been fundamentally important to me to be an equal part of any kind of relationship. I've always hated uncertainty and anything unexpected, and I'm the kind of person who hates surprises, even nice ones. I've always lived an organised and structured life and have a need to know what's happening.

I think whoever does the inviting should pay, particularly in the early days. It means nobody gets committed to an activity they can’t afford.
So, if what someone can comfortably afford is a modest picnic in a park, they extend an invite for that, and put some time and effort into the planning to make it nice for their date.

I guess the important thing is mutuality and appropriate reciprocity (which wouldn’t always be penny-for-penny legalistic splitting). Sometimes there is a real asymmetry in earnings, but there are still ways to make it feel proportionate and equitable.

But as others have said, I doubt your DS is working on the basis he’s planning a shared life with any of these dates. Might be one for a Let Them.

I do this too, I always offer to pay or pay my part but if they accept… there won’t be a second date as experience has taught me that men who are ok with letting me pay on the first date do not turn to be equalitarian partners in the future, given time they end up being the kind of man that sits back and expect women to carry out all the mental load and most of the effort/work to keep the relationship/household running in exchange of splitting the bills..

Having said that, we are talking of a teenager here so I would say, it depends. He may want to pay the first date and after that, if things go well, decide what they can afford together the next time. And sorry for being blunt but If he only likes the girl for sex (it happens) he may want to pay as well as at the end of the day (or night) he is not going to be helping her tidying up or washing the bedding afterwards, is he?

I'll be teaching my son (and daughters) to go half for dates.

Sadly it does still seem to often be the case but things are changing at least. I always preferred to pay my own way in the beginning then once you knew you actually wanted to be dating it was fine to take turns.
There is no reason we shouldn't pay our way because we are women.

He likes to talk the talk with his dad but when he’s with me he says he doesn’t want anyone going back to his accommodation, mainly I think because it’s such a mess, but also because he’s not the confident ladies man he would like to be.

It seems to be girls he’s met on Snapchat.

I'm in my 40s but even in the early 2000's when i was a student - no I would not have expected a man to pay - maybe to buy the first drink - and definitely don't look 'tight' - but personally I agree with you OP that's really unfair on the man and I think I wouldn't respect a young woman who wanted a student paying for meals etc with no equality

He needs to cut his own cloth a bit thogh - meet for first drink in student bars/ coffee dates/ walks - and save more expensive nights until he is in a relationship

Because it doesn't work in practice.

I invited my now-DH for coffee and decided to eat instead. I invited him, I chose the place, I even drove. And, I paid. I expected to pay, because I always thought the rule was that if I extend the invitation, it's on me and vice versa.

That’s a good question. I’ll ask him later.

Well clearly our 19 year old does. Not all the details but he gives some info to his dad and some to me so we get quite a picture between us.

I don’t ever want him with the shallow, materialistic, spend all your money on me type of girl. Whether at 19 or 39!

If they are just hook ups then presumably he's just paying for drinks and they won't care about the state of his room. There's dating and there's dating.

I'm surprised that there are still men around who want to be the walking wallet to some entitled female, thought they had more self-respect.

A meal is quite a big first date at that age, it was usually a coffee or a drink IME , I would always offer to pay or split but some young men really insisted and tbh I was working class and worked hard for every penny and I went to a uni that was largely public school boys paying with daddy's money. So after a while I'd genuinely offer but wouldn't argue if they insisted

There’s a big lean to the right amongst young people, especially young men.

What kind of date is he suggesting? If he proposes booking an expensive restaurant to impress someone, I think it’s fair enough that he pays. If he’s suggesting a coffee and a walk, maybe not.