Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

Things have really gone seriously backwards in some circles (mainly the groups heavily influenced by social media - probably the same type of personality who really bought into what magazines like Cosmopolitan presented as normal/ "told them to do" thirty plus years ago...

It's definitely not everyone - I have young adult and older teen children and one (early 20s in a LTR) seems oblivious to this Instagram culture in terms of personal appearances and gender roles thankfully and her friendship group are similar. My older teens sometimes banter with one another about which of them is the most "tall, muscular and wealthy" in very obvious piss takes - they are aware but they and their friends do not seem to have bought in and rather find it ridiculous.

You not worried about coming over as a freeloader

How old are you?

Or has she set her sights higher than some, and refuses to entertain any type of "cock lodging?"
Why so judgey, just because her views are different from yours??

That's lovely! I imagine he is very much a keeper as the girls know that his mum will be paying for all the dates and gifts. If I was his girlfriend I would be quickly demanding Cartier jewellery, knowing that his mum will be paying!

If you're expecting the man to pay for everything, then he's expecting something back in return (and I don't mean having your nails done).

I do see a number of women who do live this high lifestyle, whereby they expect dates at expensive restaurants all paid for by the men, whilst maintaining a luxury lifestyle on Insta, they're still doing it well into their 40s, and fail to understand that younger women have come along, and that men's preference will be for them. They end up unhappy, because they become undateable and offer nothing except an empty wallet.

I went on a date with a guy (who I was certain was earning a lot less than me), made sure we spent evenly (split the bill etc). It also meant that I didn't owe him anything, in particular a second date (as I wasn't interested after the first).

You keep making this about you. You won’t do that, and that’s fine and entirely up to you. The point is that many do and that is exactly the kind of person the ops son is going for.

I have never paid for a first date and I never travel outside my city to a first date even if I clearly outearn the person I'm going on the date with.

I'm the prize.

Impress me.

These threads always get so ridiculous.

At 44, I've never paid on a date, never exchanged sex for dinner, never felt an obligation or expectation of sex for dinner, have a healthy dose of self-respect and believe in equality.

Who are people dating and what ideas of sex does one have, where sex is attached to a meal? Crikey ☹️.

@CaribbeanChaos , I have 3 19-22 year old boys I'm close to and they treat their girlfriends and vice versa. The boys do, however, take great pride in saving their money to take their girlfriends for dinner. They get their mothers quite impressive birthday and mothers' day presents too. Apparently, it's what their dads do.

I imagine men/boys are still out here trying to impress women in that fashion.

It’s not necessarily about sex, but I think if the man pays then there will be some expectation of a second date. What if you decide that you’re not interested? Would you be happy to let a man pay and then be like, ‘thanks, but no thanks’ and not see him again? That wouldn’t sit well with me personally.

A prize?! How degrading!

You know what men are do once they get the ‘prize’?

.

I know what 'men are do' once they get the prize as you so eloquently put it which is why I don't put out for the first few months.

I have uni-aged kids who are not doing this and nor are their mates. You can't broadbrush an entire generation of young women.

I think they keep those expectations to themselves, because I've never sensed that entitlement.

Would I be happy to say 'thanks, but no thanks'? Absolutely! I do not go in feeling obliged to do anything, but have a good date. When the fun stops, I stop.
Although, I'd probably pay for a date if I had to end it abruptly for any reason.

So, you read what I wrote, looked at your offspring, and took offence as you didn't like how it sounded.

What are your uni-aged kids? Soft girl? Coquette? Cottagecore? Dark Academia? Gorpcore? Do you even know what these are?

I have a daughter who's off to uni next year and I only recognise two of those 🤔. Off to research the others, and if you have anymore, do share.

I just sent these to my 20 year old niece at uni and asked which one she is. She said ‘hmm, what do you call someone who is just an young adult woman, who likes going to the theatre, reading and going out for nice food with friends, does Pilates, swims quite a lot and mainly wears jeans and t-shirts?’

What I am demonstrating is that the lives of these you adults today are totally different to the lives that we had at uni in the 90s.

We had subcultures, yes - goths, ravers, etc - but these were identities. The current intake have aesthetics - you may be soft girl in class and blokecore at the weekend, and something else when with parents. It's a curated existence of looks.

It is not a slight on these young adults. It's more a case of us parents removing the blinders and understanding how their lives actually are.

@Dweetfidilove If you know a couple of these, you are doing well!

I think its a tough one. I know many teenage boys who like to pay for the first date. They think it makes them look good and girls do like it. However, is he going on quite a lot of first dates? I can see how going on quite a few would soon mount up.

My daughter always offers to split the bill on the first date. Then if its gone further and they have paid she will pay for the second. She's currently in a relationship and they take it in turns. Not religiously or anything but just who's got more money that week and it tends to even itself out over time.

I also dont think it's just girls though. Her last boyfriend took the piss. He always wanted to go out but only paid maybe 10 to 15% of the time. Took real advantage of her and us. His friends behaved similarly apparently too. It was one of the reasons she broke up with him.

maybe it's different nowadays but when I was at uni, and in my early 20's, you didn't really do 'dates', you'd all just meet up LOL, everyone was so skint that if someone got you a pint at the student union that was a big deal 😂. That was 56 million years ago though.
I would say just go for a coffee or something and each pay.

That's the rules of modern dating. Is he tall enough ? Is he rich enough ? Doea he enjoy inflicting physical pain ?

I dont know if he has a Bentley but that's the next step. You seem quite out of touch with what women want.

You said
"The girls now have a highly curated love island aesthetic and are always social media capture ready. The guys increasingly have a curated and groomed wealthy Dubai look."
Which ain't so.

You seem desperate to categorise individuals into neat little boxes who all want the same things and all adopt particular styles.

Depends on the girl, I’ve never been on a date where I haven’t offered to split/ pay for the bill or where I haven’t got the first round of drinks in. On the other hand I know many who express the desire to be treated like a princess and wouldn’t go out with someone who didn’t pay. As time goes on he’ll need to decide which type he wants to go for, if it’s the “wine and dine me and treat me like a princess” type then you’ll just have to wish him luck and he’ll have to learn the hard way!

Well actually whilst my son is a gentleman he isn't a mug and knows the right type of girl when he sees it. Shows what type of person you are though that you immediately see someone's kindness as a weakness!