Page 5 | Who should pay for the date?

CaribbeanChaos · 2026-04-27T09:27:48+00:00

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene. Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays? Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything. Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

MidnightMeltdown · 27/04/2026 15:48

I prefer to split because I don’t like to feel that I owe somebody anything, but many women expect the man to pay. I think this might be more common with younger women. They’ve got that whole ‘Trad wife’ influencer culture thing going on where they expect men to pay for everything.

IggyPopsPlasticTrousers · 27/04/2026 15:48

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 15:34

Equality for my teenage daughters means that both parties pay the same amount to attend the date.

So if the expectation by the bloke on the girl is to have nails done, hair done, etc; then she’s already spent a lot to go on the date.

so equality in that case is he pays.

So if I get my hair done on Monday ( let's say £80 ) and then my nails done on Tuesday ( let's say £40 ) .. and I have a date with Ken on Weds, and then a date with Michael on Friday...

... how do I allocate the cost of my hair and nails so that it's fair? Am I expecting £60 worth of drinks from each of them?

Just want it to be reasonable, obviously... :-)

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 27/04/2026 15:52

IggyPopsPlasticTrousers · 27/04/2026 15:48

So if I get my hair done on Monday ( let's say £80 ) and then my nails done on Tuesday ( let's say £40 ) .. and I have a date with Ken on Weds, and then a date with Michael on Friday...

... how do I allocate the cost of my hair and nails so that it's fair? Am I expecting £60 worth of drinks from each of them?

Just want it to be reasonable, obviously... :-)

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...and if, as most women on mumsnet have said is the case, you see doing your hair and nails etc is something that you do for you rather than to impress a man, how much should you discount it?

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 27/04/2026 15:54

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 27/04/2026 15:41

Amazing. This lad is simply relating his experience of dating - not even complaining, just talking about - and his step-mother described/imagined that this meant the women he's dating are shallow and materialistic.

But somehow in Mumsnet-land that inevitably means he hates all women.

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"I think he is trying to impress by spending money ... He likes to talk the talk with his dad ... he’s not the confident ladies man he would like to be."

He's trying to be a ladies' man, which is another term for "womaniser". These are men who objectify women rather than seeing women as human beings. They have swallowed the misogynist patriarchal messaging. There's a LOT of that OL messaging being targeted to young men at the moment (see Louis Theroux's Manosphere). It's dreadfully harmful to not only women but also men themselves.

He's a young man, hopefully he will grow up and out of this. But at the moment, he's on the wrong track.

category12 · 27/04/2026 15:55

Dressing up for a date is optional. I never dressed up more for a date than I would to go out with mates. I'd never buy a dress or get my hair done specially for a date.

People don't have to buy into that crap.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 15:56

IggyPopsPlasticTrousers · 27/04/2026 15:48

So if I get my hair done on Monday ( let's say £80 ) and then my nails done on Tuesday ( let's say £40 ) .. and I have a date with Ken on Weds, and then a date with Michael on Friday...

... how do I allocate the cost of my hair and nails so that it's fair? Am I expecting £60 worth of drinks from each of them?

Just want it to be reasonable, obviously... :-)

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That’s just being silly. The point I was making is clear. It often costs females more to go on dates than men. Both in time and money. There have been quite a few misogynistic comments on here about ‘princesses’ but actually, it’s on both parties, the women want to look like that AND the men they’re dating want them to look like that.
we’ve moved on from talking about ‘equality’ to talking about ‘equity’ in the last decade.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 27/04/2026 15:58

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 27/04/2026 15:54

"I think he is trying to impress by spending money ... He likes to talk the talk with his dad ... he’s not the confident ladies man he would like to be."

He's trying to be a ladies' man, which is another term for "womaniser". These are men who objectify women rather than seeing women as human beings. They have swallowed the misogynist patriarchal messaging. There's a LOT of that OL messaging being targeted to young men at the moment (see Louis Theroux's Manosphere). It's dreadfully harmful to not only women but also men themselves.

He's a young man, hopefully he will grow up and out of this. But at the moment, he's on the wrong track.

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Do you know this guy? Or are you just pinning a whole bunch of other people's crimes on him to justify you painting him as a villain?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 15:59

category12 · 27/04/2026 15:55

Dressing up for a date is optional. I never dressed up more for a date than I would to go out with mates. I'd never buy a dress or get my hair done specially for a date.

People don't have to buy into that crap.

But some people want to. And that’s surely up to them? No one is saying you have to.
im a jeans, tshirt, pony tail and a walk kind of lady, but I can also think that if a man is looking for a lady that appeals to his image, equity would be that he pays an equal any amount at some point.

wandererofthekingdom · 27/04/2026 15:59

CaribbeanChaos · 27/04/2026 14:42

Sorry? I think you’ve completely misunderstood everything I have written. I haven’t said he’s gossiping about his dates. He talks about what he’s been up to and that often includes the dates. He might say something like “she was nice enough but the chat was boring” or something like that. There was one that had got to date number three but she sent him horrible stroppy texts because he came home for Easter and she had to stay at uni to work. He had paid for the first 2 dates and then she had used her parents free sky cinema tickets for the 3rd date. He’d bought the drinks and sweets! Why shouldn’t he talk things through with his dad and stepmum?

I also disagree that it’s not our business who pays when we are paying for his university life.

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I don't know what the norm is these days but I just wanted to say it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with him and it's nice he chats to you and your husband about all aspects of his life.

AtBeaverGoat · 27/04/2026 16:01

ThejoyofNC · 27/04/2026 13:10

Always the man. I couldn't respect anyone who didn't.

sometimes you wonder why men don’t really seem to like women much anymore - and then you are reminded

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 16:08

AtBeaverGoat · 27/04/2026 16:01

sometimes you wonder why men don’t really seem to like women much anymore - and then you are reminded

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Really. Is there really any need for a comment like that?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 16:10

Reading this thread it seems there are quite a few women who are so determined to be ‘equal’, they have forgotten that the starting point often isn’t equal. the fact that men get paid more, the fact that women more often need a babysitter, the fact that women have to often pay more for transport for safety, often pay more to get ready etc etc
there are many many situations where the man paying for a date, simply evens it up - so a blanket 50/50 or you have no respect (or whatever people wrote) isn’t strictly true.

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/04/2026 16:14

I think sometimes it's good for a teenager to have an expensive hobby (!) because it motivates them to get a job.

NowStartingOver · 27/04/2026 16:23

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 15:19

Well you sound like someone who doesn't know me and accuses people of lying

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Er, that's because it's an internet forum and everyone is essentially anonymous? Unless you're going to give an Instagram handle so that we can all see your glamorous lifestyle that has been funded by lots of men?

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 16:24

NowStartingOver · 27/04/2026 16:23

Er, that's because it's an internet forum and everyone is essentially anonymous? Unless you're going to give an Instagram handle so that we can all see your glamorous lifestyle that has been funded by lots of men?

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I don't have Instagram.
I did say I fund my own lifestyle.
I am not sure why you're making assumptions about me.
Note that I didn't come critiquing you. Interesting?

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/04/2026 16:28

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 16:10

Reading this thread it seems there are quite a few women who are so determined to be ‘equal’, they have forgotten that the starting point often isn’t equal. the fact that men get paid more, the fact that women more often need a babysitter, the fact that women have to often pay more for transport for safety, often pay more to get ready etc etc
there are many many situations where the man paying for a date, simply evens it up - so a blanket 50/50 or you have no respect (or whatever people wrote) isn’t strictly true.

Before DC, the starting point often is more equal. It changes when DC come into the picture and the woman often chooses to either go part time or become a SAHM.

Your other examples are also largely choices. You don't have to go out of your way to buy an expensive outfit for a date or get hair and nails done specifically for a date. It's a choice.

NowStartingOver · 27/04/2026 16:28

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 16:24

I don't have Instagram.
I did say I fund my own lifestyle.
I am not sure why you're making assumptions about me.
Note that I didn't come critiquing you. Interesting?

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You make a comment on a public forum, so expect to get responses and expect to get responses from some that agree and some that disagree.

(Seems to have really hit a nerve)

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 16:30

NowStartingOver · 27/04/2026 16:28

You make a comment on a public forum, so expect to get responses and expect to get responses from some that agree and some that disagree.

(Seems to have really hit a nerve)

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Deary me

NowStartingOver · 27/04/2026 16:31

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 16:10

Reading this thread it seems there are quite a few women who are so determined to be ‘equal’, they have forgotten that the starting point often isn’t equal. the fact that men get paid more, the fact that women more often need a babysitter, the fact that women have to often pay more for transport for safety, often pay more to get ready etc etc
there are many many situations where the man paying for a date, simply evens it up - so a blanket 50/50 or you have no respect (or whatever people wrote) isn’t strictly true.

This is about students at university...

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 16:34

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/04/2026 16:28

Before DC, the starting point often is more equal. It changes when DC come into the picture and the woman often chooses to either go part time or become a SAHM.

Your other examples are also largely choices. You don't have to go out of your way to buy an expensive outfit for a date or get hair and nails done specifically for a date. It's a choice.

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Sure. But quite a few people on this thread have had a go at posters who think the man should pay, without considering nuance.
And re the choice on image, that is also on the man and his expectations and wants. I know lots of men (not my cup of tea, but they exist) whose image is the most important thing in the lives, they want a trophy wife. It’s a trade which both the man and woman want.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 16:35

NowStartingOver · 27/04/2026 16:31

This is about students at university...

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Indeed. Although the thread as ever has moved on quite a lot with lots of posters saying it should be 50/50 always.

AtBeaverGoat · 27/04/2026 16:39

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 16:08

Really. Is there really any need for a comment like that?

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Yes there is , why is “Always the man “ ?
why should this be the default position in this day and age, what happens when 2 women or men or dating ?
is it rock paper sisters lizard spock to see who gets the bads news ?

tge question was about students , so 50/50 is certainly the fairest

WerzMyHedAt · 27/04/2026 16:41

AtBeaverGoat · 27/04/2026 16:39

Yes there is , why is “Always the man “ ?
why should this be the default position in this day and age, what happens when 2 women or men or dating ?
is it rock paper sisters lizard spock to see who gets the bads news ?

tge question was about students , so 50/50 is certainly the fairest

Edited

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I don't think any of that justifies your comment

IggyPopsPlasticTrousers · 27/04/2026 16:42

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/04/2026 16:28

Before DC, the starting point often is more equal. It changes when DC come into the picture and the woman often chooses to either go part time or become a SAHM.

Your other examples are also largely choices. You don't have to go out of your way to buy an expensive outfit for a date or get hair and nails done specifically for a date. It's a choice.

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This. I got asked out by a guy in my office a few months back.
I know I earn more than him.
It wouldn't feel right insisting that he paid for the date, no matter how much I spent getting ready for the evening.
( I turned him down; not because I didn't like him, I just didn't want the hassle/risk of a work relationship! )

category12 · 27/04/2026 16:43

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2026 15:59

But some people want to. And that’s surely up to them? No one is saying you have to.
im a jeans, tshirt, pony tail and a walk kind of lady, but I can also think that if a man is looking for a lady that appeals to his image, equity would be that he pays an equal any amount at some point.

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Want to, not are obliged to.

Their choices to dress up and pay for treatments doesn't mean that their dates owe it to them to spend more.