Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

I feel like everyone should pay for themselves and also dates should be cheap or free. Offering to pay or taking turns is a nice gesture but not expected in my social circle. This really depends on the people involved, there is no universal answer.

Yes thats when women are now funding their own maternity leave

It is. But again, it is also a choice to go on a date with a man like that. I couldn't think of anything worse personally.

Right. This is the last time I’m explaining this!!

this isn’t just on the girls!! There are men whose expectations are that the women will look good on their arm.

the op herself about 6 posts in detailed that she thinks her son may be one of them.

these kind of men are happy to pay, because that is the trade.

Me neither. But very very clearly many men and women do. The op has alluded to that that is what her son is like.

Exactly. What is the problem

I mean, it's not only that but that is part of it

I think he can be sometimes to be honest. It’s all about Instagram posts and how things look to the outside world. Although he has a really gentle, caring and loving side. However, does that mean he should be paying for everything on dates?

So I misunderstood you too as I think gossiping is quite negative whilst talking is healthy.

I do disagree with you on it not being our business about who pays. We don’t want him being taken advantage of and we don’t want him coming to us asking for more allowance at the end of the month as he’s run out (which he generally does around week 3 and then we have the falling out when we say ‘no’).

Why are you involved in his dating life? Surely if he’s old enough to be dating, he’s old enough to have this conversation with the people he’s dating. There’s no one correct answer to this question. I guess it’s whatever he’s comfortable with and if whoever he goes on a date with has different expectations to him, then he knows they aren’t someone to bother with in the future.

He's an adult, you can't really control what he does with his fixed allowance. If he wants to spend it paying for dates, that's up to him. You and Your H should shut down any arguments about him "running out of money". If he wants more spending money, he needs to get a job.

I agree with the job part.

I don’t see it as controlling his finances as he has full autonomy but guiding him to make the best choices.

Surely it’s evident that I’m only trying to get opinions/experiences of others and guide him to make sensible choices. I’m not sitting on dating apps and swiping for him.

I definitely don’t want him being taken advantage of.

If he is dating the shallow insta / tick type women then as soon as a better offer comes along they will be gone

I would say that your son has low self esteem if he thinks his only value is how much he can treat them to

Ok: what I mean is, you should be saying to him, look, don't come to us telling stories about these girls you're dating. If you want to date girls who want to split the bill, you do that.

Otherwise you are encouraging him into a situation where he thinks it's ok to run down women he's with to his parents, and I really think that's a bad habit.

Obviously if you don't want to give him more of an allowance then don't? Isn't this exactly the same problem he's having? If he doesn't want to pay he shouldn't pay. If you don't want to pay you shouldn't pay. Don't make it someone else's fault - just say no.

I am slightly cringing at the idea that you get to control who pays for his dates, I really am. What's next? Do you get to decide how soon they have sex?! It's not your business!

It would probably be better to tackle the idea that his self-worth comes from showing off to the lads the "high quality" women he's managed to nab, rather than talk about him being exploited.

Because being a womaniser is exploitative in its own right, and it will NOT bring him happiness.

Yeah you're not wrong there if that's the types he's going for.
Decent women don't just see men as a meal ticket.

If he's not got a regular girlfriend but wants one, maybe the paying for everything is actually putting off people who are looking for something serious.

He’s paying for everything on dates because that’s the choice he’s making.

It's a choice to date that kind of man.

You can subscribe to bullshit beauty standards and go out with superficial men who are more concerned about a trophy on their arm than who you are as a person.

But i find it unlikely you're going to find the men who want an equal that way.

All dates should be 50/50.

What if he gets a haircut, a back, sack, and crack wax, and a new pair of the latest trainers to impress his date. Would you expect your daughters to fund that?

A woman does her hair and nails for herself, not some random man she’s never met if she’s online dating. Besides, unless a man has requested a particular hairstyle or nails (that would be weirder) why on earth would he pay? 99% of men couldn’t care less about nails and the extent of their hair interest is blonde or brown, long or short. Unless he’s gay of course 😂

I feel you’ve read an awful lot into something that was merely a question to find out what others think is appropriate behaviour.

He’s not telling us all the details, just chatting about dates etc.

I think he thinks he should be paying but he’s realising he can’t continue with that.

I don’t think he should be paying and that if a woman expects him to pay for her all of the time, then she is exploiting him.

Equally, he’s exploiting her if he just wants to be see with an attractive woman on his arm. So they’re both getting what they want aren’t they?

OP's stepson wants to date beautiful women to impress his friends (rather than because he really likes the woman personally). That's transactional. In that case, those beautiful women are perfectly justified in being transactional themselves.

I never aspired to such relationships myself (I ALWAYS split the bill when I was dating). But many people in such transactional relationships don't see them as empty and meaningless, because they actually get something from it - self-worth, external validation, an image that can be used to improve your career chances, or someone who will pay for your expensive handbags/ handmade suits in return for what you give them.

Of course you’re not.
that’s utterly irrelevant to this thread though isn’t it, which is about whether the ops son, who is looking for the Instagram girl, should pay or not. My point is that simply many of these Instagram girls have spent a lot of money on grooming, the ops son knows that because you can tell by their photos, and wants that. It is perfectly reasonable then, given that that look is his expectation for the date, and thus she has already spent her half, for him to pay more on the date. Evens. Both happy.

Well, you are the person who is posting on MN to ask about it? I'm not quite clear why it's such a big issue either, but if it's big enough to prompt a post, then you'll get replies.

I really don't think a 19-year-old fellow student is 'exploiting' anyone if she expects him to pay for a date. She may be being daft, or silly, or - like him - she may not have quite finished growing up yet.

But the word 'no' exists for a reason. He just needs to use it. So do you, if you're bothered about giving him more money.

I agree with other posters saying it'd probably be more valuable for you and his dad to reassure him he has plenty going for him other than money, than to try to encourage him to blame women you've presumably never met, and he's dated briefly.