Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

At that age, i would expect to split the bill tbh.

I paid for dinner on my first date with my DH as he had finished work early and waited a while for me.

I would take what a 19 year old tells his mother about his dates with a huge pinch of salt.

I would also be saying to him, gently, that it is poor etiquette to gossip to your mother about girls you date. He needs to figure out what he actually wants here. Does he want to date girls who expect him to pay for their dates? Ok then, that's up to him. Does he want to find people who expect things to be more equal? Then he should do that.

What is not great is bad-mouthing girls for something that sounds fairly trivial.

I wouldn’t expect to be paid for and I will be teaching my girls the same. If he insisted I would only be ok with that if there was going to be a second date where I could pay. Otherwise I’d make sure it was 50/50.

I do think some girls would expect to be paid for and never want to put their hand in their pocket. Tell him these are the girls to avoid!

At 19 I'm surprised he even calls it dating.

I do not want a man to insist on paying for me, because I do not need "looking after". So not interested in a man who thinks that is his role (what other misogynistic views does he hold?).

I am not going to do more than shower, put on clean clothes and brush my hair before a date. A man who expects more than that is similarly not one I am interested in.

This- 100%

Wow.
How do you respect yourself?

Maybe he's expecting and trying to negotiate a bigger allowance from his mum than his sister (if he has one) based on some shakey premise that boys have higher outgoings because they have to pay for dates and this is soo unfair... 😂

I would assume the person who made the first move would pay for the first date, then it would depend on circumstance. I met my husband at uni, he worked through uni so he liked to treat me but we often did dinner and the cinema where one would pay for dinner and the other pay for the cinema then we'd switch the following date. I wouldn't expect him to pay the whole lot, every time, but I know girls who do expect the man to pay for everything on every date, a nice girl would at least offer to pay her share.

It's a transactional relationship model - presumably they expect to get what they pay for 🤮

Can you explain? Genuine question, I'm unsure what you mean.

Also, are you male or female?

Mr Fifty Fifty

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5519210-aibu-to-refuse-moving-in-if-asked-to-pay-half-his-mortgage?page=1

@JenniferBooth what has that thread got to do with this one?

If the young women he is asking out know he is a student and not working then I think the are CF to expect him to pay, but I know you are unsure about that until you speak to him.

Even if he is offering I'm surprised none of them are saying that they will pay their way knowing his £ situation. Back in my day, students all paid their own way because we knew we were all in the same boat

Nail on the head. Me too! On all those points.

I've never gone to any "extra" effort or expense "just" for a date. I've never had my hair done specially for a date. Never bought a new outfit specially for a date. Never had my nails/eyebrows done specially for a date.

I had my "personal grooming" done and bought new clothes regardless of whether I was dating or not. Sometimes, coincidentally, it would be just before a date, often it would be a couple of weeks (or more) before a date. But hair, nails, make up, clothes, etc was for me, not for whoever I was dating at the time.

On a "date night", I'd likewise have a shower and wash/dry my hair and put on my normal amount of make up and dress in whatever suitable I had in my wardrobe.

Just exactly the same as if I was going out for a drink/meal with family or friends. I never did anything special just because it was a bloke!

If a man split the bill with me or let me pay, I would never, never see him again.
I have tried accepting this in my younger years and it is NOT for me.
I perceive it as very bad manners and ungenerous.
I only want to date a guy who enjoys taking me for dates.
If he's not paying I'd rather not go.
I have my own money, I pay for my own car/manicures/house/everything.
I'm generous and I think that's why I get the ick - I only want to date someone generous, to match me.
However, reckless spending or being too materialistic would turn me off.
But Jesus Christ if he can't just happily pay for me glass of wine or cinema ticket, I'm out of there.
I'm 37.
I'm don't care what anyone says, I will never change my mind on this even if it meant being single for the rest of my life.

I would say the person who issues the invitation, whether male or female, should offer to pay for it. And the invited should offer to pay and be turned down!

My "dates" got what I wanted them to get, based on what I wanted to get, nothing at all to do with who paid for what, how fancy the restaurant was, etc. I've never felt I "owed" anything to a bloke and they'd get nothing where I didn't get the same "benefit" from them. It was certainly not transactional when I was dating. If a bloke expected something just because he'd taken me somewhere nice, etc he'd soon be an ex. I never did anything I didn't want to do.

Sorry? I think you’ve completely misunderstood everything I have written. I haven’t said he’s gossiping about his dates. He talks about what he’s been up to and that often includes the dates. He might say something like “she was nice enough but the chat was boring” or something like that. There was one that had got to date number three but she sent him horrible stroppy texts because he came home for Easter and she had to stay at uni to work. He had paid for the first 2 dates and then she had used her parents free sky cinema tickets for the 3rd date. He’d bought the drinks and sweets! Why shouldn’t he talk things through with his dad and stepmum?

I also disagree that it’s not our business who pays when we are paying for his university life.

You split the costs until in a steady relationship then take turns.

Whoever does the inviting does the paying. IMO.

Sweet baby jesus... what a farce..

I'm not impressed by some of the misogyny on show here - but at the same time, the responses to this question are a contradictory mess.

Some women say that if he doesn't pay on the first date... there won't be a second date.

Some women say that if he DOES pay for the first date... there won't be a second date.

Some women say that if he offers to pay for the first date, they will offer to pay half - but if he accepts, then there won't be a second date!

We can hardly blame men for being confused on this one!

Exactly

I will be telling my boys to not pay all for a bunch of first dates. Hundreds of pounds wasted on shallow dates that dom't go anywhere.
Tell him to ask the question om the chats, do you think a man should pay for the firdt date or go hlaves to see if we like each other. That might sort the wheat from the chaff. He needs to be more assertive really or hes going to get drained of finances.

Surely it's just a matter of compatibility. Some men and some women have different opinions. The whole point of dating is to see how well you "gel", i.e. how compatible you are. It's why most people don't end up in long term relationships with the first person they dated! "Who pays" is just one of many different elements/factors that need to be thrashed out during the "dating" process and then you go onto a longer relationship with people you're compatible with.

None of your options is fundamentally right or fundamentally wrong. People have their own opinions and their own "red lines" or deal breakers. What works for someone won't work for someone else. It's the way it should be. Just like some women wouldn't date a Liverpool supporter, or wouldn't date a model railway enthusiast - nothing wrong with that - just as some men wouldn't date a woman with tattoos or a woman with slug eyebrows. Every individual has their own preferences.