Who should pay for the date?

[CaribbeanChaos]

As a parent (and step-parent) to a lot of boys, I’m looking for opinions on the older teenage dating scene.

Are boys expected to pay for dates nowadays?

Context - eldest is at uni. He goes on a few dates a month. He hasn’t got a steady girlfriend so these are dates with different girls, not the same one. The other day he said that as the man, he is expected to pay for everything.

Is this still a thing? In the age of supposed equality should the man (boy in my eyes) be paying for everything?

Ummm I hope not as there’s no chance of his already generous allowance increasing. He needs to get a job!

No sisters here. Just a whole load of boys! However, if there were girls in the house I’d be telling them to have self-respect and to go halves with their date.

50/50 all the way.

I think whoever does the asking should be the one to pay for the date.

If you’re a 19-year-old student going on lots of dates, that can obviously start to feel like a financial stretch... But that doesn’t mean girls deserve the criticism they’re getting in this thread. Wanting to put effort into how you look for a date isn’t being a “princess” or freeloading; it’s just about feeling confident. We’re all different. For me, just throwing on jeans and brushing my hair wouldn’t make me feel my best, especially on the first few dates, so I wouldn’t do that.
And if a man offers to pay, I’ll happily say thank you. I know I can cover my half, but if he offers, I take it as a sign he’s enjoyed spending time with me.

I think if it was one girl he is dating and shes expecting him to pay every time, that’sa huge no no. However if he’s talking a few different girls out on dates here and there, and it seems to be one date then move on to the next one, it depend on whose idea the date was. So if he’s chatting to a girl on snapchat ans he suggests a date and suggests taking her to xxxx bar, then yeah, he should pay. Likewise if the girl is the one to ask him if he fancies a date, and she suggests a meal at xxxx place, she should offer to pay.
i am all in favour of a bill split as well though. If it’s always him suggesting the dates and always him paying, I’d hope some of the girls are at least offering.

Wow. Cynical much.

Yeah, I'm still waiting for an explanation on this one..

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood.

I don't follow the distinction between talking and gossiping? They're the same, surely?

I don't think it's wrong to talk things through with parents. What I'm saying is, part of a parent's job is to gently guide a child to have good, healthy relationships. And sometimes, that means telling a child when they're not coming across as respectful to other people in their lives, and when they're sharing something that is, or ought to be, personal.

It isn't your business who pays. no. Not even if you are paying for his university life.

You don't sound generous to me, you sound like you want to spend all your money on yourself and expect others to pay for you too.

Well you sound like someone who doesn't know me and accuses people of lying

Why are you posting for your uni aged adult child? If he doesn't want to pay for dates well then he shouldn't offer to, if he's offering to, well then that's his choice. He must be dating princesses that think the man should pay? I thought women today were all for equality, or does that only work when it suits them?

I met my husband at uni and we always split dates 50/50 I never expected him to pay (we were both equally poor!), but then I wouldn't expect a man to pay for me generally. We've been together 21 years now and have always contributed 50/50, I wouldn't have bothered going to uni to get a decent job if my aim was to be a princess! I missed a trick though!

It doesn’t have to be about « being a princess », some women just have traditional values.

Your stepson sounds "shallow, materialistic" himself, not to mention misogynist. If he wants arm candy that he can show off to the lads and boast about, he'll have to pay for it.

It's only fair, considering that she will have spent hours/years and a lot of money on attaining the superficial beauty standards that he's looking for.

Probably does explain why you are still dating at 37 🤣 waiting for your Knight to fund your lifestyle, well you do pay for your own nails lol.

I definitely wouldn’t expect, or want, a man to pay for a first date. It sets up quite an uncomfortable and unequal dynamic where there is ‘payback’ somewhere down the line. As he’s a student I’d expect a date, at least in the early days, to be a few rounds of drinks (taking turns) in the pub.

Well I mean I've only been single a month and could choose not to be at any moment so.... Sorry if that's not your experience

It isn't my experience because I didn't want it to be. I did date someone who wanted to pay and whisk me here and there but I hated the power imbalance that created. He lives in New York now, has a lovely lifestyle wasn't for me though. He did have a tiny Penis though, it was more that than him wanting to pay that ended it 🤣.

You don’t sound generous. You don’t want to take a man for a date, or pay your fair share. You wouldn’t buy him a glass of wine or a cinema ticket. And you’re 37, not 87 when social values were different and many women didn’t work and didn’t have their own money, but you have a job, fancy nails, a house and a car, and you still wouldn’t buy the poor bugger a drink?

Well it’s not really up to you is it?! You may not like his (current) taste in women but clearly he does. He’ll learn. He’s only 19.

Equality for my teenage daughters means that both parties pay the same amount to attend the date.

So if the expectation by the bloke on the girl is to have nails done, hair done, etc; then she’s already spent a lot to go on the date.

so equality in that case is he pays.

It's interesting to me that I stated my preference with no judgement on women who are okay to go 50/50 or whatever.

And yet I am then attacked for giving my preference.

I don't feel the need to comment my judgement on the 50/50 dynamic.

I stand by my preference for a guy to pay.

I pay my own way in ever other aspect of life. But dating is different, for me.

For.
Me.

If you feel the need to attack me over this - saying I'm ungenerous or whatnot... Well, I think you should spend time considering why my comment irked you so much! It's not like I'm forcing you not let a guy pay for you?!

What's the problem.

Surely it’s about the type of girl he’d like to be with, not the type of girl you would like him to be with?

No. I would not.

I always offered to go halfers but quite often the person who invited the other person out wanted to pay. The other would buy drinks or get it next time. I don't think there's any right or wrong as there are too many variables.

Amazing. This lad is simply relating his experience of dating - not even complaining, just talking about - and his step-mother described/imagined that this meant the women he's dating are shallow and materialistic.

But somehow in Mumsnet-land that inevitably means he hates all women.

Both should pay, unless there's a specific reason, for example one has lost their job. I wouldn't want my daughter dating a man who thinks it's the 50s, and I wouldn't want my son dating a woman who thinks women are incapable of paying for themselves. Even when I was a kid, we had Independent Women and Offsprings Get a job, and I'd play these at any men who thought I wasn't quite capable of paying for myself!