How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

I would leave him. I wouldn't be able to put up with what you describe. You would be better on your own I think.

That is vile. It is a huge cross infection risk. Surely he should be having regular district nurse visits to clean/dress this. My cousin had one and he had a hot bath every day to keep clean until his surgery. If I had only one bathroom, I would throw him out if he wouldn't keep himself and his environment clean.

This chipping away reminded me of this article a wise MNer shared with me a few years ago.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Poor you. This is a totally unacceptable way to have to live. It must be so depressing to have to tolerate this situation with someone who apparently makes no effort to improve things, or to observe even basic hygiene, for your sake as well as his own.

It’s hard to read your description of the conditions you’re having to put up with, let alone live with it day to day.

Only you know whether or not you can tolerate this any longer, but my heart goes out to you.

Why won't he wear the protective stuff for his injury?! Has he given you a straight answer on that?

Surely his colleagues and friends must notice the smell? But he seems beyond caring if he leaves shite stained flannels by the sink for you to clean up.

You need to tell him once and for all, if you don't stop stinking and being disgusting now, and continue forever I will divorce you. Then do so if he doesn't comply. There's no other way to get through to him.

You might love him but does he love you because if he did he would never treat you this way it's absolutely disgusting and repulsive

YOU need to love yourself more and leave his horrible disgusting relationship but yourself first he needs to leave him is disgusting ugly hygiene which makes me feel sick treat you like a door mat and get your peace and sanity back

I couldn't handle this... don't know what to say other than I'd have not been with him from the start.
If he has always been this way how are you with him .

He tried to make a joke of it as usual and then saying sorry he's sorry but xyz excuses and then when I kept saying I don't care I have had enough he said I am truly sorry. I said until the next time. Initially he was pissed off and saying he didn't reply because I said he had MH issues and was stinking! I had to make it clear that I did not say that, i could have but I didn't. I wasnt unkind in any way in my message to him.

He kept trying to come towards me and i said no, before he left to run an errand he asked for a kiss and I said no so he is away out.

Thank you to @REP22 your post made me well up there. That's an idea re an air b&b or short term let. He knows he's gotten around me before by begging and saying he will change etc. I can't do this again. He just doesn't get it, he cannot see that this is bad. I need to stay strong and keep to this decision. He hasn't changed in a long time and had so many chances. It will break my heart doing this but I am drained and ground down.

I said that on my absolute worst days with my condition when I cant go out I still dry shampoo my hair, wash and brush my bloody teeth! Its very rare I dont push myself to go out because of the dogs, I am responsible for them and they rely on me so I know i need too.

Fuck me, i am shaking a little bit, I feel so stressed about this decision. I told him this was coming when I went a bit nuts a few weeks ago.

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs there,

You have thought you’d be happier on your own? It’s time to do something about it. Don’t get trapped by life. Make a positive decision for yourself. There is zero reason to put up with this awfulness and you need to value your own well being and happiness more.

You are doing so well confronting him

Just want to say OP you've done as much as you can for him, time to take care of you, let him sort his own life out, he's beyond disgusting,

Be happier on your own.
Have a beautiful clean home, a lovely clean bed.
You are not put on this earth to wipe up a man's shit for him.

@BillieWiper he says they all irritate him and when he wore the ones that stuck it was messy when he went to the loo. I've done everything I can do for him, different dressings, bought packs of the wet toilet wipes and a spray for him to take to work. He uses things for a couple of days max a few and it goes back to before.

I know people are asking specific questions but I am wary of responding with facts because of this being a public forum. I know its unlikely anyone I know will read it but you never know. A few asked about work, he works in a niche building sector and yes with other people. Also drives and often has a passenger.

Someone above said about a bath that a friend's husband did daily, yep he has been told about cleaning the area properly, i always have a specific liquid soap that surgeons and vets use and its very gentle but effective. Creams galore to prevent rubbing and irritation. Uses them for a bit then nothing. Or uses a cream with no dressing so its staining underwear and trousers.

I will regret saying this but I did have doubts from the beginning, I was going through a divorce at the time and I should have walked away so many times.

He's utterly disgusting. He has no respect for himself or for you. Please leave him. If I walked into the bathroom to a flannel streaked in shit, I would end it there and then.

It sounds like you know what you have to do. Be strong. Your life and your happiness are worth it.

He said he rinsed it out or thought he had, utter blatant rubbish.

I only have so much energy in a day and if I didnt have to run after him, do so much washing and getting dinner and making it I would have energy for quality things.

Now it's what to do and say next, do I stick to the I have had enough and don't want to live with you anymore? Then leave it at that tonight and tomorrow is a let's move forward and you look for a place to stay because I don't want this anymore.

I’m don’t think I could deal with it. It’s disrespectful to you

I have just read your first post to my husband. He is gobsmacked
He said if this was him- he’d be mortified and never be out of the shower, he’d be doing all of his own washing, using separate bedding and cleaning the bathroom after every use.
You may love him but he doesn’t love you and has zero respect for you.
Stick to your resolve and tell him to pack his shitty flannel bags and sort himself out.
This is disgusting - you deserve so much more 💐

Just lay it out.

I can't deal with your shit and smell and you need to be moved out by x.

I’m in shock

You made me laugh thank you @outerspacepotato x

I think you need to give him a deadline to move out by. Say a week. Keep the mantra that you have had enough and ignore the begging

I agree that a sad event like that could lead to poor mental health but it seems a bit strange that he can follow the rules of a building site in order to retain his job but cannot meet op halfway in her expectations. If his mental health was poor enough he was unable to manage his personal hygiene I suspect he would be off work as well.

Plenty of depressed people out there, I doubt they are all leaving shitty flannels in the sink for their loved ones.

Oh OP. Complete deal breaker. It will only get worse as he gets older and becomes more incapacitated and who will be dealing with that? You.

I'm sorry to sound stupid but how CAN you love someone so utterly disgusting, gross, smelly and who disrespects you SO much

How can you love him? How?

I think what you interpret as love is being used to him being around, being comfortable with him and the situation

He's vile. You deserve more, way way way more

See a solicitor tomorrow and sort out how to make him leave

You have to do this