How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

Sorry DIVORCE.
doesn’t sound like it’ll get better.

When you asked him if he was going to have a shower and he said he wasn’t going to bother, would have been the final nail in the coffin for me. It shows that he really doesn’t care about the way you feel about his filthy behaviour.

Imagine how stress free your life would be without the constant washing of shitty sheets and clothing, cleaning up after he’s left the toilet filthy, and buying lotions and various items to help him, that he refuses to use, and seems unconcerned that he goes to work stinking: I wonder what his colleague must think.

Your days could be spent doing things that you enjoy, gardening, taking your dogs for a walk,reading or just relaxing, stress free.

You have tried your utmost to help him and explained how you feel about his lack of hygiene makes you feel, and how it is affecting your mh, but nothing has improved or been resolved; he just doesn’t care enough to make the situation any better.

It’s time to make yourself the priority in your relationship.

Good luck and stay strong. You're doing a brilliant job of showing up for yourself, and I hope you have a clean bed and fewer responsibilities soon. The romantic in me is hoping your husband significantly shapes up and you can find a way through this, the pragmatist says this is so unlikely so just - enjoy your clean bed, OP x

You were clearly targeted by him.

It is what abusive men do.

They find a target, and place pressure on them.

This is an abusive relationship.

You need to reframe it as such.

You are trying to exit an abusive relationship.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

He likes having a skivvy to clean up after him and his filth.

He is utterly vile.

Save yourself.

Agreed.

He won't joke "Better have a shower, before the shower police visit" because he knows @Itsapersonalhygieneone could reasonably reply "Yes you should!" and that would require minimal effort 🙄

He has actually said this, 😳

Ugh, it's so unattractive in so many ways. 'The medication police'. Why doesn't he want to take the medicine for himself?

@Itsapersonalhygieneone You are holding your line, even as he tries to manipulate you.

He’s an idiot.

Soon he can clean his own shit or, more likely, live among it.

What a prick.

His audacity is fully noted!

Urggh! As if wanting the person you share your home environment with to stay clean is too much.

OP you absolutely do not sound heartless and you sound like a complete saint for putting up with that. I couldn’t put up with that, I am sorry but if he wouldn’t change permanently I would have to leave. His habits sounds gross and he is disrespectful of you in the extreme.

I know that many women on here complain about men's personal hygiene, but I find this disgusting, even for a man. He needs to acquire some self-respect. I have a much less severe condition than his an I am very conscious of the need for showering and regular changes of underwear. Recently a poster commented on her new partners 'boast' that he didn't wash his hands after defecating. Ugh!

I wouldn't even put up with my DCs behaviour if it was like this. Out he goes in the sewer where he belongs.

This is so disgusting, I had to stop reading 😢. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that being single is perfectly reasonable; especially when this is the alternative.

I'd never heard of that perianal thing and just googled it....sounds awful .
And says it can be caused by not being clean down there so he's caused his own problem and also says turns in to a fistula if left untreated.
I'm a bloke and I can't believe he washed his arse with a flannel and left it on the sink.
Are you using the flannel for other stuff not knowing what he's using it for?
I used to wash my bum after every number 2 with the shower head but just installed a douche next to the toilet so can wash while still on the toilet.
I think toilet roll isn't fit for purpose in cleaning after a number 2.
Nobody should have to deal with what you are.
Can't believe that even having a pus filled arse hasn't made him change his ways.
Good luck 🤞

@KeenAzureHare thank you, the abcess was drained in hospital but it was like pulling teeth to get him to keep going back to the GP later when I told him it was a fistula that had developed. There's 2, yes it can be due to being not as clean but I know of people who are prone to the abcesses and they are clean.
No I keep those flannels for him only. I appreciate your post thank you.

I would stop trying to manage his hygiene or his fistula, start letting go of feeling responsible and concentrate on yourself.

“This probably sounds like not a lot” eh no it sounds feckin minging. Raise your bar.

You think you’re over the top to expect a basic level of hygiene?! Why are your standards so low?

It is neither kind nor lovely to treat you like this.

I feel really bad for you OP. Are you taking the time to take care of yourself? So much tension and manipulation at home must be tricky to manage- you have to be on guard and can’t just relax.

I don’t know if you’ve already thought of this but can you get away for a few days- either a hotel or an air b and b or perhaps to stay with a friend or relative.

Doesnt need to be anywhere particularly fancy. It’s JUST to get a bit of breathing space and have time to actually relax?

@Itsapersonalhygieneone how are you doing?

Hi, I am still flat as a pancake mood wise, I suppose a bit brighter. The living situation is still the same with improved hygiene conditions from him. I am meeting my friend tomorrow for some help and advice. I haven't been able to get an appointment for a solicitor as quickly as I thought, probably due to the Easter break. I am waiting on another call back to see if I can get slotted in.
As much as I would love to get away I have the dogs, they are a lot of work to take anywhere. Also with the price of fuel I don't want to be going too far 😫
I feel at a crossroads this week. X

Have you told him it’s over, @Itsapersonalhygieneone , or are you waiting to see a solicitor? It’s hard to be in the sort of liminal space you’re in right now. 💐

Really good you are meeting with your friend. Hope it goes well