How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

@Itsapersonalhygieneone Now it's what to do and say next, do I stick to the I have had enough and don't want to live with you anymore? Then leave it at that tonight and tomorrow is a let's move forward and you look for a place to stay because I don't want this anymore.

Yes, I think this is a great plan! This is the grimmest thing I've read for a while 😖

I normally stick to the Style & Beauty threads but have just read this. OP please stick to your guns and make him go. You only have one life, stay strong ❤️

@WonderingWanda that reply was to another poster saying send him back to his mother, not that he was depressed. Thank you for your lovely post xx

OP just reiterate that it's over and there's no way back. Start divorce proceedings straight away. As a PP pointed out, you can't force him to leave as although it's a rental in your name only, he has rights as your spouse. I would still insist that he leaves. Tell him you will, if you have to, show all of the evidence of his disgusting and hazardous behaviour to your solicitor.

Please do not act as guarantor or take on any responsibility for where he goes to live next because he will end up being evicted. I could not live like this for one single day. Get him out, however you have to do that, and live a peaceful life. If he has a pension or any assets, that could give you some bargaining power to get him out immediately in return for leaving his assets alone as part of the divorce. No one should live like this. He's pathetic and he knows exactly what he's doing.

Yes you are right.

I came half expecting you to be some uptight OP who insisted on her DH having daily colonic irrigation because she was imagining she could smell something during sex or similar, but in fact reading some of your posts I experienced a genuine surge of nausea.

Maybe just show him my post...😅

@Itsapersonalhygieneone this is not minor and you are not being unreasonable

If he’s not prepared to change, I would seriously divorce, he will only get worse as time goes on, next he will be taking a shit in the shower because it’s easier

I’m so sorry you find yourself here. In response to your question here, yes- it sounds like the right decision for you, and he needs to have a hard deadline for moving out and no softening- he sounds like he knows how to wear you down, so take the strength from here to help you hold hard to what is best for you.

ATEOTD if he was bothered about you he would make the effort to be hygienic, but he’s a walking health hazard and incredibly disrespectful- contemptuous even not to make the effort for someone he claims to love.

The only hygiene you are ever responsible for is your own.

He sounds absolutely disgusting OP, and I'm wondering how on earth you've lasted this long with someone who doesn't wash/clean their teeth. You must have the patience of a Saint.

I can't read anymore, please leave the dirty git. What a turn off, and as you say, you will be better off on your own.

This would be a deal breaker. Leave him and let him get on with it. I doubt his hygiene will improve surgery aside. I honestly couldn't live with it. And let's be honest he probably wouldn't have stuck by you if the roles were reversed, very few men do. Leave the revolting man

You are most definitely not being unreasonable or a heartless cow! Your husband is a dirty, lazy, disrespectful arsehole.

He may not be able to help his medical problem, but he can wear the dressings he's been provided, shower/wash properly/daily, clean his teeth twice per day, change his clothes regularly and clean up after himself in the bathroom.

The fact he's not doing all of the above suggests he's lazy, has no self-awareness and has no respect for himself.

You are not his maid. It isn't your responsibility to clean up after him, to remind him to wash/change his clothes etc. He's a grown adult, and is responsible for his own behaviour.

You need a blunt conversation with him. Tell him you are utterly sick to death of cleaning up after him, living with someone who doesn't wash/change clothes/clean teeth. He either shapes up or you're filing for divorce.

If he fails to do this or starts but then reverts back, then you need to divorce him.

For which abuse?

Those are not "minor" things @Itsapersonalhygieneone

If the fistula can leak material outwards, infection can get in via the same route.

Leaving you to clean up after him is out of order.

Is he capable of doing his own laundry? You should not have to be dealing with his shit.

EDIT: I posted too soon, sorry @Itsapersonalhygieneone

You should not have to tolerate any of this.
How "kind" is he really, expecting you to deal with the grim results of his complete lack of hygiene?

You should be able to relax in your own home. If you decide to reclaim it completely, more power to you.

Thank you, i have a splitting headache now, i will have an early night and see what tomorrow brings. I can't lose my resolve with this. X

Good luck op. He is digusting. Why can’t he get that even if he did ‘rinse it out’, putting it on the sink is vile and it needs to go straight in the wash! You brush your teeth at the sink!

Sounds like my 5 year old has better standards.

"This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do."

That is already A LOT before reading the rest, WTF????

He is a dirty disgusting bastard and I can't believe how you've felt with this for this long. How the hell do you find him attractive to have sex with?

Good luck OP.
💪💪💪💪

Thank you everyone so much for all your support and replies. Heading to bed now xx

Wow. He is disgusting and has no respect for himself or sounds like it for you

his behaviour has repercussions

yes you could give him one more chance as you love him and lay it all out

but sounds like he doesn’t care enough

how long have you been together /married

also th way he treats your dogs - thy could get hurt or run off and he leant seem to care

I do think splitting up is the only way

Jesus!!! This is so bad. I was worried about my DH who has ASD and as a result of sensory issues can’t tolerate anything on his skin like deodorant which has a fragrance. Sometimes at the end of the day he will smell a bit sweaty before heading to the shower. But I have to say my DH has got nothing on this. I don’t think I could tolerate it at all. It’s not his fault he has the abscess and fistula (I have Crohn’s so I get it!), but he absolutely has a choice whether to be clean and hygienic or not. Sorry OP but I’d have to leave him. Even thinking about this is making me feel a bit unwell 🤢

There's a reason womens loos are locked on construction sites, it's not just your DH that is a dirty twit.

I'm sorry though I couldnt/wouldn't put up with it. I'd have divorced the disgusting bastard years ago.

Also OP you sound just great. You have 100% got this I promise xx

He is utterly vile, of course your MH is suffering.
What you have described is beyond what most women can get their head around.
You are living with absolute filth.

Get him out and save yourself.

He is not a project for you to fix.

Don't lose your resolve, sure. But don't lose your self respect by sliding back into enabling this disgusting pig