How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

I don't think you do, respectfully. There is nothing there to love.

It's absolutely the case that you could think that you do, because you have probably bought into some script that says, he's my husband, he has a health condition, I must support him ... because I love him.

No. You can't love someone who doesn't respect you or themselves.

Once you've distance, you'll see this.

(I remember when I went for legal advice, the solicitor made a remark about how I must hate my H, deservedly - and I was a bit baffled, and said, no I don't hate him. Several years after leaving him, and really getting to grips with how abusive he had been, I realised I did actually hate him, or at least despise everything he stood for. Sometimes you just need distance to get perspective)

it may well be in your name but he has home rights as you are married. He may want to stay even if you ask him to leave.

You obviously haven't read the OP's posts. His Mum DIED 3 years ago.

@JJMama I see my future with peace and not cleaning up after someone.

Sorry I am reading all your posts and trying to reply. I've stayed because I have always thought I am being dramatic, or its my MH making me feel like this or that I couldn't see a solution to fix it so just accepted it. Today I feel drained, I just want to look after the dogs and myself.

Ah well, it seems he wasn't a great bet from the off.
Cut your losses, get him out and start a fresh.

This relationship is over. This isn't just a bit of carelessness, it's a lack of respect for you.

You are not the bad guy for not wanting this in your life. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own home. He has the mental and physical capacity to care for himself and to maintain good hygiene. The toothbrush thing leads me to understand that this isn't just fistula overwhelm.

Protect your peace and leave or ask him to leave. Where do you want to be in 5 years? 10 years? Can you see him changing? Don't get trapped.

Would you tolerate a friend with these depressing levels of personal hygiene? If not, why accept it in a romantic partner you are intimate with?

Also, it doesn’t sound heartless he’s absolutely grim for being like this and expecting you to just put up with it.

Not sure why you're so reluctant tbh?

You may have feelings for him, based on the past of God knows what, but why continue with this shit show...pun intended.

Maybe if he had someone else’s shit to deal with he might realise what it is actually like?
and I’m 61yo, putted grown up, thank you!

Hi Op,

There you have your answer; you want a peaceful future not cleaning up after someone. Just you and your dogs.

You’ve answered me honestly, now go about making it happen. 💐

You deserve a medal. Please get him out of your life ASAP.

@Itsapersonalhygieneone dramatic about what exactly?

@Itsapersonalhygieneone Unfortunately you married a filthy bastard OP. Has it occurred to you how much worse he'll get as he ages, and how you'll end up being his carer? For god sake leave him, or kick him out and bring some dignity into your life. I'm retching just reading your post.

Love, you're NOT being dramatic & it's NOT YOUR MH that's the problem here.

it's taken you FAR too long, but you've finally reached breaking point. Don't let anyone make you back down.

if you're home & he's not, pack him a bag & put it on the door step. If he's home, tell him to pack some stuff & go. Hotel. End of. Don't put up with this for another night.

its a wonder he hasn't lost his job.

🤗

OH OP, this sounds absolutely horrendous.

I cannot imagine the reality of what you describe.

You do not owe him your MH and future.
He needs to leave.

Ask for help from a domestic abuse charity.

From everything you have said the confrontation will be difficult but then your life will be so much easier and happier

When does your lease expire? I would prepare to divorce and move.

Getting him to leave isn't going to happen. Handily your stuff is still in boxes. If funds allow, get a storage unit and start splitting up possessions.

The alternative is that he doesn't come home after surgery but goes elsewhere to his new home to recuperate, sort himself out and eventually go back to work. If he doesn't have paid sick leave he's going to have to figure out UC and look for housing. But he can't tell the council he will be homeless unless you've given notice on the house.

I'm going to charge my phone sorry but I will be back.
Thank you for all the posts, I just hope this doesnt get picked up by the stupid DM ffs I had no thought of that earlier. That is why I dont post much either. But its a public forum so hey ho.

The lease is long term no expiry. It's not much in boxes still but yes a few things and stored shoes and clothes.

Just regarding your original post @Itsapersonalhygieneone - you are 100% NOT a heartless cow. You have clearly tried hard and are at your wits' end. I can feel the despair coming through your words.

I think, as you and others have said, this has to be the last straw now. Sadly he is unlikely to improve and the situation will become worse as he ages. The body cannot cope with these levels of poor sanitation and soon the endless cycle will begin of further physical (and possible mental) decline, and you will be a young carer to a housebound and incontinent dependent. So many people do this so well, throughout illnesses, dementias and other physical declines, but in so many of those cases the dependent person lived their best lives, trying so hard to look after themselves and keep going and for the most part were loving and fulfilling cherished partners, which goes some way to easing the caring burden, the memories of the person that once was whole.

But you don't have that, sadly. You have someone who is inattentive, disrespectful and, frankly, unhygienic almost to the point of being dangerous. You could become very seriously ill yourself from cleaning up human waste that has been left lying around. You AND your dogs.

Does he have a job where he works with other people? If so, it must be grim for them too, and potentially a disciplinary issue if he's endangering colleagues' health with his seepages and lack of basic hygiene.

I'm not unsympathetic to his plight. But you have given him ample opportunity to fix things and make it right and he has declined to take it. For your own sake, it's time to let this one go.

Are there local AirBnBs that he could rent while he looks for somewhere more settled? Also, our local university rents out unused rooms in their campus hall of residence for about £20 per night. Or there might be places advertised on local FB pages for short term lets. I'm sorry for any property owner who rents to this kind of person, and he may well find himself in trouble if he befouls his accommodation - but that isn't your problem.

I think you have tried your best, but this is not your burden to bear. It sounds intolerable and I think you should put a stop to it before it drags you right under and out of reach of the safety rope. You deserve a happy life free of this. I think you know that already. Wishing you strength, and happier times ahead. x

It's the easiest LTB I've ever seen. I honestly could not cope with this.

Dis Gusting. Ick

What sort of work does he do? Hopefully he’s not in food retail? Surely the people at work must smell him. I’d be so embarrassed he obviously has no self-respect.

You need to leave. With not one ounce of guilt. What guilt does he have about how he's making you feel? None.

Sorry but there is no way he is a kind and loving man. What does he proactively do to have you call him that? He can't even be kind to himself. You've got no chance of him doing anything for you.

Everyone will be able to smell him everywhere he goes and everyone will be feeling disgusted. And yes, if you are with him there as his wife, they will assume your cleanliness standards are as none existent as his. And in a way, they are sort of right - because you've coexisted with this all this time.

I know that in my life I have accepted way less than I deserved. But this? This is extreme. You need to think about why you have accepted this. The minute I had smelt bad, unbrushed breath on him I would have been out of there. Right at the start But you have stayed and married him. I would suggest you spend some time considering why you've done that.

And I would definitely, definitely leave. The only way is up.

God Alive!!!
What would you tell your best friend if they were in your situation?
I am so sorry you have lived with this man for so long.
An example of another way it could have gone if he truly loved you:
My DH once had a horrible leaky cyst type thing on his bum cheek area. He wore the pads they gave him. He had a long shower before we were intimate and then he would use a handheld mirror to check it was all clean there before he even came near me.
He had surgery and since it's been fine.