How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

He’d have no choice if he was mine. The house is yours, he’s a dirty minger of a man and his habits are utterly disgusting, pack him off to the nearest travel lodge/hotel. You’ve given him chance after chance and he’s still disrespecting you, you need to draw the line and move on.

Sounds awful for you. I am sure you know though that as you are married he has the right to stay in the house. Not ideal

How did it get as far as marriage? Was it a rebound? Has there ever been any proper romance? Luckily marriage is most definitely NOT for life these days…

And you married him??? A visibly dirty man who doesn’t brush his teeth?

What the fuck. Be single and take the time to work out why you found a man like this to be marriage material.

He is not kind and loving, a kind and loving man would have been horrified that you were dealing with this the first time you brought it up and would have sorted himself out. This is a disgraceful way to treat someone you live with, never mind someone he is meant to want to be attracted to him!? This is not okay, you deserve so much more than a man who thinks so little of you he cant be bothered to do basic hygiene so you are not faced with literal shit.

It is disgusting and maybe you should give him an ultimatum either he showers everyday and uses the dressing or you won't be able to tolerate it .

I would have to leave as just reading that makes me feel sick on your behalf .
I bet he doesn't wash his hands after dealing with his condition or going to the loo . This could make you ill too .

If she loves him as a person, as she says she does, sometimes it can be kind to try and suggest how the ex may look to find help going forward. This was just an idea. It helps rather than just label him dirty or lazy.

No definitely not 😂

I thought this morning on my walk that my depression is situational, I know i have a MH condition but living like this is not good for me. I just want peace, I am only 53 and despite health issues I do okay. Everything he does or doesnt do turns to a shit show. I didn't mean that as a reference to the poo.

Example of him not listening. I tell him continually to take the 2 male dogs out on leads only, it is a property with no back garden access. We go around the the front garden and side of the house. Every fucking time he takes them out one gets away and down the lane into a field etc. I shouted out the kitchen window last night LEADS!!! He replied aye okay ffs.

God awful. I guess op if he wont change what can you do really. Be careful as you dont want to end up with infections/utis with dirty things lying around. Sorry for you its just horrible ..

Eeww, he’s absolutely vile and shows he has no love or care for you either. This would be a deal breaker for me. You need to stand your ground and very firmly tell him he shapes up or leaves!!! Disgusting behaviour.

If it's YOUR property he'll HAVE to accept that! The police would help you make him accept that.

He's not lovely enough to treat you with respect. Look at how a PP's older blind Mum is dealing with two fistula's & compare the two & that's before you get into his general hygiene.

its nit 'shall' & you're not a cow. You've put up with this FAR too long 🤗 & thats without whatever happened re the house move!

It is a private rental on a farming estate and the lease is in my name only.

Well, it's obviously upsetting you and understandably.
He will just have to find somewhere else.

@Itsapersonalhygieneone you do not sound remotely heartless. Please do what you need to get him out of your life, as soon as possible.

What did he do before he had you?

I do love him, very much this is why its so hard for me. There has been so much though with little things adding up its now too much.

Well I know why his first marriage ended! Why do you have such low standards OP? Have you always struggled with self esteem and knowing what kind of behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t? Because this man is utterly disgusting and you shouldn’t be putting up with his revolting behaviour. A man who stinks of shit, who doesn’t clean his teeth or his nails is a filthy pig.

Oh OP. This is horrendous.

Sometimes you just have to reach a point where you see the light, and shout 'enough!'.

I think you've reached that point. Don't wait any longer, don't ponder the why's of what is happening (MH / incompetence / just gross), just accept that this is who he is. He will NOT change. It will continue, or get worse, and you will be ever-more worn down.

There's no right time - just do it today; tell him to leave. Give him a day or two to pack up and go. He might not believe you, so just keep saying it until he does it.

You will be a new person, and have a whole new life, without him.

I say the above based on my own experience - in my case an abusive H, and 3 small DC. I put up with awful treatment over and over - then one day, something happened and it was like a lightbulb; I told him to leave and it took me 5 days to convince him I meant it. But he did leave. (He's put me through hell for most of the subsequent 12.5 years but still - it was the right decision and I never regret doing it).

Get him gone.

Oh sweetheart, you are only 53, and to be leading such a sad life is unbearable to read. Tell your husband he has to go. You need peace and calm and cleanliness. Enjoy your life with your dogs and let him sort himself out. The sheer disrespect he is showing you is appalling.

Sorry you’re dealing with this op. I’d not be picking up after a grown adult tho, and would have refused to clean up after him early on. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change anytime soon.

I know a few people with MH issues, I can categorically say that none of them have hygiene issues like this. The odd missed shower when feeling down, but not on this scale.

How do you see your future?

Flip that was a disaster for months beforehand and on the day with not just packing removal or getting in. The whole purchase of items he was left to deal with went tits up. Its a mess.

Gosh this is awful op.
I have OCD and I'm nd and I would have ended up in a mental institution at the first sign of this.
Disgusting.

Shit on his pillow and then go to a hotel for the night.

I could not live with someone who had such a low level of hygiene and showed that level of lack of respect. He can go to a hotel or his mother's, you don't need to sort anything for him.

I'm afraid that if a grown man who is holding down a job can't wipe a toilet seat, put a filthy flannel in the washing machine, rinse the soap when done, clean a shower or wear clean clothes when you have pointed out all of these issue repeatedly then it isn't down to mental health, it is utter disrespect and it is unlikely to ever change.

Grow up