How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

Aw, that's so sad that you waited another 3 years.

Don't wait a minute longer. Hope you can free yourself.

Do you have somewhere you can go?

Your nickname for him of Captain chaos just make me think there are some nuerodiverse issues going in here.
poor hygiene is often down to poor executive function.
No matter how much you do to help and tell him, there is a voice in his executive functioning telling him to rush through it, not to bother with the dettol wipes or follow any normal steps in the shower.

does he show any other signs:
poor money management
no patience with admin
lacks ability to follow any process that requires
steps
heavy handed, clumsy, breaks things easily
Eats takeaways rather than cooking properly
addictions (smoking, alcohol, gaming, sex)
quick temper

Am sorry, the disrespect and the ignoring how much this affects you, despite you making it clear is worse than the filth imo.

As it's been going on so long, it is highly unlikely that he will change. All that is left is you to decide if you can stay in this relationship any longer or not. I think it's fair to say you've been more than a little patient so don't beat yourself up at all, what you're asking for is completely reasonable.

Sending hugs.

Do you feel safe to tell him tonight that the relationship is over and he needs to leave?

I'd be out but I don't even date men with poor hygiene.

He's got serious issues and it's not up to you to fix him.

Yep a shit fluid stained cloth, on top of everything else its the last straw. I cant think of anything stopping me apart from thinking where would he go, why cant he just be fucking normal ffs!

I am shit with confrontation, history of just accepting things and I hate being a doormat.

Don't think any of that matters really.

She should leave.

Why is he cleaning his pooey bum with a face cloth?. what Happened to toilet roll😱

My mum is registered blind and has two fistulas, she can't have surgery for them as she has a very weak heart, so she has to live with them. She literally cannot see and she wipes the toilet as best she can, uses her pads and puts them in a special bin to contain the smell, and never smells bad herself (the bathroom sometimes does but that's inevitable really).

Your husband is disgusting and I would leave. I couldn't live with that.

Do you have a physical relationship?
Do you have two bathrooms?
Do you want to leave him?

You don't need to worry about where he goes. He's an adult. Maybe he will just stay there?

Where do you think you could go?

You’re not being OTT op.

It sounds like it has been going for so long and he hasn’t listened to you. So that’s his last chance gone. I assume you can’t be attracted to him anymore. I would also assume all the issues would continue to get worse as he gets older if not dealt with.

Because he had a wash at the sink i assume this morning or I am hoping it was this morning and not just last night and went to work not washing.

@BountifulPantry yes I feel okay telling him I cant do this anymore. Unfortunately there's not a place he can go like tonight. It would need to be organised.

He is actually a lovely man mostly, kind and loving and i think that is why I am struggling to say it cannot continue.

I have no idea re ND. He does okay with finances and saves. He would eat rubbish and takeaways if on his own.

Has he replied to your message today?

He can't stay here, it is my property, my bills and my dogs are here.
I don't know what will happen.

It doesn’t matter if he is kind and loving. That’s not enough. I once ended it with a guy who was kind but I felt like his mum in the relationship.

Nope, that is also pissing me off.

Do you have anywhere like a travelodge nearby for him to stay tonight?

This is so sad OP. What an awful way for you to be living.

Some of this sounds a bit passive aggressive to me.XH on occasion deliberately shit in both toilets and didn't flush when angry - knowing I couldn't leave them in that state with our kids in the house so I would end up scrubbing em as didn't wish to live in filth.

Wonder if might be something like that.

P.S not a poo troll...just had poor taste in husbands.

Please just divorce this man. This is too much. You have no kids together and you are financially capable.

We did have, it is non existent due to this for me and also peri.
We have one small bathroom with a cubicle shower.
I love him but yes I think i would be better off mentally alone.

Is he really kind and loving? Because the way he is behaving doesn't sound very kind and loving to me. Please don't tell me you reward this awful behaviour by having sex with him.

Edit to add I've just seen your last update

I dont know if he would accept that tbh.

Why on earth are you still there? He is revolting. (Not due to medical condition of course)
You don't have to live like this. Why are you?

Yes, it sounds like he needs to go.

I was thinking that if you weren't physical (and you were happy with that) and if you had a second bathroom you could sort of domestically separate yourself from him (he does his own washing, deals with his own bathroom) but you could maybe remain companions. That doesn't sound like an option though.