Heartbroken all over - will he be different with her?

[TigerIsHome]

Hi

I'm sure you will remember me. I was doing ok. My name is slightly different now as I think my last account was erased despite pleas to reinstate it. I am being totally visible about that - I'm the same person.

You may remember my Heartbroken post from last year. I have been in intensive and ongoing therapy over my ex, who I have been told by numerous therapists, is narcissistic and abusive and that the version of him that I fell for, wasn't actually real. This is the man who, without going over all the dreaded detail again, entered into a relationship with me, has the two ex wives and travels back and forward to Vietnam. His children have no relationship with him either, and have disowned him. I am now 50 and this man is 54.

For reference I absolutely adored this man, we weren't together very long and at the start it was all new exciting, thrilling lots of contact and intimacy. But it soon turned very sour and as we worked together, I had to move departments due to his childish and irregular behaviour. He began hiding from me in the toilets at work - for the one reason that I had borrowed his coffee cup - telling my colleagues and called a meeting with our boss in which he told me that our intimacy wasn't love making - it was f - and my boss did nothing. During one of his regular trips to Vietnam, I moved departments. On the odd occasions when I do see him now, he will deviate between complete ignorance, and joking. Just last week as he told me he was returning to Vietnam, he asked me if the bag I was carrying contained a 'sexual item' and asked was it a 'rubber vagina'. This from the man who once said I made him so uncomfortable that he had to hide in the toilets. He then proudly announced he was going to Vietnam this week.

As if that wasn't enough, he completely stuck the knife in by announcing, 'I have a girlfriend, she's 38, beautiful, and I love her, I'm happy. I know in my heart it's right'. He then took out a picture of her and thrust it in my face. He said they 'facetime every night'. He claims he is now a Buddhist and has quit smoking and drugs. He was on a lot of cocaine for years.

This was a week and a half ago and I have struggled ever since. My therapist maintains he is a narcissist but what is making it worse for me is the current rumour that he may be getting married to this woman. He has met her in person once. The photo has him with his head on her shoulder and she is on his knee, they are holding hands. He was in no way kind in how he chose to tell me.

I feel absolutely devastated. He was brutally cruel to me for the time I was with him, blowing hot and cold but always saying 'just give me time' and I believed him. He said I was his soulmate and wanted me to meet his family. He asked me to move into my Mum's room with him knowing she had only died a few years previous to that. Then he pulled the rug, with me struggling to understand since then (3 years ago) what I've done wrong.

I've tried to get help and am doing things like going to the gym and yoga. But this has really set me back to the point my therapist told me today that she is insistent that I ring my GP as my 'core scores' were through the roof. I feel exhausted, even walking the short distance to the bus stop, I'm on edge, I feel sick and the reason is I am desperately wondering why she seems to be getting the better version of him. I loved him with my whole heart, I was patient, supportive, understanding and kind. I don't know why he is throwing it in my face that he loves her and if he does marry her, to me, in my mind, it will sort of highlight that I was the problem all along. This would be his third marriage - his second to a Vietnamese woman. He is just moving on as if I didn't exist and I'm struggling so badly to heal. My own mind is frightening me as I feel so deeply and I feel like something is wrong with me? I spoke to a mutual friend who says he is like a child, always chasing after the next shiny thing but even that makes me wonder why I wasn't shiny enough to keep.

I'm sorry to contact you all again, but do you really think he could be different with her? When his own kids won't talk to him? What the hell is so special about Vietnam? His last wife was from there and dumped him when she got her citizenship to the UK.

Thanks again, for listening to me.

OP, as someone who has been in your position, life becomes SO SO much better when you stop obsessing over what they're doing, why they did what they did, whether they’re going to treat others better. You have to completely detach from him in every way possible, if that means working elsewhere, do it.

He's not suddenly being nice. He's following the exact same pattern of behaviour that he did with you: he'll be nice until he has her where he wants her, and then he'll show his true colours.

You have seen his pattern of behaviour, and you have seen that he is a narcissist and a nasty piece of work. It is perfectly understandable that you carry trauma from his abusive treatment of you, but you also have to help yourself by recognising and remembering that he's a narcissist and abuser. He's not suddenly 'nice', he's playacting at being nice and you're envying this other woman an experience of him which you know not to be the truth! He's moving on as if you didn't exist because to him, women are playthings

He's clearly a nut job who is trying his best to agitate you to cause stress.
He sounds quite weird and a little deranged , i'm another who thinks you are well rid of him , i can't see how there is anything to be heartbroken over with someone like this ,be glad that you are free of him.
Other women he gets involved with are not your problem.
I also think look for another job to cut ties once and for all.

Wish him luck and move on.

You sound mentally unwell and I think a trip to your gp sounds like a good idea.

I’m wondering if you should change your counsellor too.
If it’s been a year and you’re still not seeing any important, then it maybe that the current counsellor isn’t helping.

It’s horrible when someone we love doesn’t love us back.
Its genuinely one of the worst feelings in the world.

But obsessing over him is not going to bring him back, it’s not going to make what he did to you go away and it’s not going to make you feel any better.

You need to recognise that how he treated you was not ok but that it has taught you to be stronger.
You need to acknowledge that he is going to move on and that it’s not your business.

You say he was abusive but you’re still allowing him to control your life and he’s not even with you.
Stop focusing on him and focus on living your life.

If you have no support system then fill your days with hobbies and meeting new people.
If you need to change your job or move for a fresh start then do it.

You are the only person that matters.
It doesn’t matter about him or who he’s with or what he does with his life.

I’ve been there on some of this.

he loved bombed you and then was the abusive arse that he is.

he ended it and you processed his narcissistic traits and how it impacted you.

you understand he was the issue in the relationship not anything you contributed

he finds next victim and is “nice” and so you are then left assuming that means you are the “broken” one.

thing here is that the trauma from your early years has done a number on you. You will be attracted to people like that until you heal your past.

that’s very difficult to face up to. Especially when there was someone to ‘blame’ for it all.

focus on you and your healing. Totally separate yourself from him. Grey rock etc.

he will fuck her over in time. Or she’s just a mug.

don’t be around to find out.

At some point you need to stop and think about your role in your own life. You are responsible for yourself, not a single other person. He has moved on now. Leave it be. You are tormenting yourself but that is now a choice to do that. He hasn’t changed, she doesn’t get the good version of him. That’s impossible because he’s a loser.

He treated you very badly. Not because you are a bad person or deserved to be treated like that. He is simply not a nice man. His recent behaviour is also down to him - not you or his current gf. Therapy which encourages you to focus on his actions and motivations sounds unhealthy. Still working in the same company is not helping. You need distance and distraction.

Op you know he's capable of appearing to be nice in the short term. This woman has met him once, I'm sure he could manage to pretend to be normal for that. And sounds like she wants a green card.

As on your previous threads he's not into you. He enjoys upsetting you, because he's a ball bag.
You need to leave your job and fuck off any contact with him. He's ruing your life still cos you are giving him the power to!

And yes, I did a moonlight flit from my exh who abused me in every way. I have no idea if he's in a relationship, if he's found his person, if he has will he treat them nicely? I don't know and more importantly I DONT CARE.

OP, you sound intensely vulnerable and like you lost your only support person, your mum, a few years ago? Take the advice to go to the GP, get some mental health support. Try to join things that help you build a nurturing support system around you and ignore this absolute weirdo and rejoice in the fact he has found a new victim - who may or may not even be real.

OP - as others said - you need to want to get better. And you clearly do not.

You are 50, but you sound like you are a naïve teenager who has no idea about life. And has no self-esteem.

You DO know why western men marry women from poor Asian countries. It has not much to do with being nice, or in love. And all to do with power dynamics, and getting a submissive Asian wife/domestic servant.
He has done it before - he is doing it again. No mystery there.

It has nothing to do with you being not shiny enough. But you want to be the constant victim - so you make it about yourself.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP but as others have said, this really doesn’t matter.

I would also be vary wary about the ethics of any therapist who is assigning labels like “narcissist” to a person they have never met or actually assessed- no even half decent one would do that.

Some people change, some people don’t, he might be the best partner in the world to her, he might not, but that really has nothing to do with you and you need to spend your time focusing on yourself and forgetting about him altogether.

I do think finding a new job is worth considering because for as long as he is in your life in any way I think you are going to struggle to put this behind you. Seeing/hearing about him potentially get married, seeing them at functions etc is only going to drive you to madness and for what? It’s over, be glad you’re free of it, whether he makes the next person happy or not doesn’t need to rule your life any longer.

He isn't. He's probably in the honeymoon/lovebombing stage with this woman.

And he loved to have the opportunity to rub it in your face.

You need to change jobs and remove him entirely from your life. What you don't know you can't obsess over.

Just one thing that occurs to me @TigerIsHome one of the most prevalent co-occurring traits with narcissism is charm.

Charm when we think of the snake charmers imagery, blocks off normal sensible thinking and seduces people. It can be very difficult to see through charm by its very nature and as you are finding it can be quite addictive. So if he is charming with the next woman you should really pity her because you know what is behind the veil of charm now.

Does anyone know how to report this post to Mumsnet? I remember this poor woman from before and I fear that responses will just inflame/hurt her more. I feel terrible for her, but she needs they type of help we cannot provide.

How long was you together and this ended three years ago?

I don’t think this is about him at all and about how you need to build yourself up.

How did your other relationships end @TigerIsHome do you have any family support, children?

Click on the three dots

It’s over with him so it just doesn’t matter if he’ll be different with her (likely not). I’d speak to HR and ask for them to tell him not to come near you or better still try and move job. He’ll muck her around but it’s not your problem so not sure what you are asking?

This
BUT change your therapist as unless this person is a qualified doctor then they are not qualified to give any diagnosis.
You are stuck and staying stick, I don't know how long you were in the relationship but you stated short so this behaviour is not at all healthy.
I would also suggest alongside seeking support from the GP that you look up rejection and the impact it can have on some people, this is where you are stuck IMHO and you are looking for any reason/excuse/out let for your unresolved emotions... this is a you thing OP and I say this with kindness.

@TigerIsHome I think you will find fault with anything said here that doesn't agree with you.
You had a short relationship with a horrible man. It's over. Whatever he does now is irrelevant and you're just wasting your life with all the wondering.
Keep out of his way or get a new job and find a hobby or something productive to focus on.
Kindly, you're choosing to dwell. You can equally choose to just draw the line.

It doesn’t matter if he’s found “his
person” it doesn't matter if he’s nicer
to her than he was to you. It doesn’t matter of
hes a reformed narcissist (he’s not) or if he’s just learned new ways to hide it from
his victim.

HE DOES NOT MATTER.

You matter. Your mental health matters and as long as you continue to obsess over your EX instead of living your life, you’re going to remain miserable.

You’re still letting him get to you. You’re still giving him power over you, your thoughts and your wellbeing.

STOP NOW.

Block him from your mind. He cannot change
for you. He might (but it’s unlikely) change for someone else but that is not your business.

Go live the life you have OP, you deserve better

His new girlfriend is not your problem. He will reveal his true colours to her soon enough. Move on and dont give him, or her any more headspace

That's not what I said and you know it.

His person is obviously someone with low self esteem who is prepared to tolerate his awful nature. You should be glad that you're better than that.

I was married to a narcissistic abuser and he moved on to a poor girl with mental health issues so he could play the saviour card.

He was horrible and abusive to you because he's horrible and abusive. Nothing to do with you or what you said or did, or didn't say or do.

You are more than someone who was abused. I've been there, it was an utter headfuck and I came out not knowing which way was up. Then the enormity of it all came to the surface and I was so angry and upset, I found it so hard to come to terms with the knowledge I am a victim of abuse. But that's not all I am, and it's not all you are either.

You have no control over what he or her girlfriend do, only what you do. Find things to do. Go to the library or an art gallery, wonder round in a daze even taking nothing in. Sit in a cafe with a book, go for a walk, go to the cinema, paint your front door. Anything to break the cycle and get yourself out of the thought mire and interacing with the world a bit more. Maybe if you can face it join a book club or take a cookery lesson or volunteer at park run even once, or some other low effort activity that involves low level mixing to help with the isolation.

You need a psychiatrist/new job & time

Then with some luck you will move past this situation

He's an abuser
He's a narcissist.
He's an ex drug addict.
He's a serial cheat. (Several marriages)
His kids have nothing to do with him. (There has to be a reason)
He's a coward. (Hiding in the loo).
He's inappropriate in the workplace. (Talking about sex toys).
He is probably a sex tourist too. (If you didn't do so when you split up, get an full STi screening).

He is not a catch.

Start living for today and tomorrow, not yesterday.