Heartbroken all over - will he be different with her?

[TigerIsHome]

Hi

I'm sure you will remember me. I was doing ok. My name is slightly different now as I think my last account was erased despite pleas to reinstate it. I am being totally visible about that - I'm the same person.

You may remember my Heartbroken post from last year. I have been in intensive and ongoing therapy over my ex, who I have been told by numerous therapists, is narcissistic and abusive and that the version of him that I fell for, wasn't actually real. This is the man who, without going over all the dreaded detail again, entered into a relationship with me, has the two ex wives and travels back and forward to Vietnam. His children have no relationship with him either, and have disowned him. I am now 50 and this man is 54.

For reference I absolutely adored this man, we weren't together very long and at the start it was all new exciting, thrilling lots of contact and intimacy. But it soon turned very sour and as we worked together, I had to move departments due to his childish and irregular behaviour. He began hiding from me in the toilets at work - for the one reason that I had borrowed his coffee cup - telling my colleagues and called a meeting with our boss in which he told me that our intimacy wasn't love making - it was f - and my boss did nothing. During one of his regular trips to Vietnam, I moved departments. On the odd occasions when I do see him now, he will deviate between complete ignorance, and joking. Just last week as he told me he was returning to Vietnam, he asked me if the bag I was carrying contained a 'sexual item' and asked was it a 'rubber vagina'. This from the man who once said I made him so uncomfortable that he had to hide in the toilets. He then proudly announced he was going to Vietnam this week.

As if that wasn't enough, he completely stuck the knife in by announcing, 'I have a girlfriend, she's 38, beautiful, and I love her, I'm happy. I know in my heart it's right'. He then took out a picture of her and thrust it in my face. He said they 'facetime every night'. He claims he is now a Buddhist and has quit smoking and drugs. He was on a lot of cocaine for years.

This was a week and a half ago and I have struggled ever since. My therapist maintains he is a narcissist but what is making it worse for me is the current rumour that he may be getting married to this woman. He has met her in person once. The photo has him with his head on her shoulder and she is on his knee, they are holding hands. He was in no way kind in how he chose to tell me.

I feel absolutely devastated. He was brutally cruel to me for the time I was with him, blowing hot and cold but always saying 'just give me time' and I believed him. He said I was his soulmate and wanted me to meet his family. He asked me to move into my Mum's room with him knowing she had only died a few years previous to that. Then he pulled the rug, with me struggling to understand since then (3 years ago) what I've done wrong.

I've tried to get help and am doing things like going to the gym and yoga. But this has really set me back to the point my therapist told me today that she is insistent that I ring my GP as my 'core scores' were through the roof. I feel exhausted, even walking the short distance to the bus stop, I'm on edge, I feel sick and the reason is I am desperately wondering why she seems to be getting the better version of him. I loved him with my whole heart, I was patient, supportive, understanding and kind. I don't know why he is throwing it in my face that he loves her and if he does marry her, to me, in my mind, it will sort of highlight that I was the problem all along. This would be his third marriage - his second to a Vietnamese woman. He is just moving on as if I didn't exist and I'm struggling so badly to heal. My own mind is frightening me as I feel so deeply and I feel like something is wrong with me? I spoke to a mutual friend who says he is like a child, always chasing after the next shiny thing but even that makes me wonder why I wasn't shiny enough to keep.

I'm sorry to contact you all again, but do you really think he could be different with her? When his own kids won't talk to him? What the hell is so special about Vietnam? His last wife was from there and dumped him when she got her citizenship to the UK.

Thanks again, for listening to me.

I'm not in the headspace but may ask the doctor this morning if I can be signed off. Of course I don't want to live like this. I've worked at my job for more than 10 years and really love it. It would be very unsettling for me to go elsewhere. The issue within the team I formerly worked in is that there is sexual talk on an almost daily basis and nothing is done, even the female boss participates. Comments including by the guy I was seeing include 'ah look at her, she's gonna f-ing get it' with sex moves as if a man is having sex, if they see someone they like. Him referring to the 'jizz stains' in his car to a 25 year old colleague, masturbating in the office, 'look at the size of her tits' etc - all normalised. I know it's hard to understand, and I'm not in that department anymore but hear about it. So when you put all that together with my own experience, it is crushing for me to hear that he may be getting married because to me that says she's different. And I have no idea how she could be when he's known her five minutes and met her once.

And it doesn't matter the length of the relationship. It's the length of my feelings, which he knew about, encouraged, and all his future faking during that time. He told me we were in it for the long haul, so please don't just dismiss it as sex, because it was so much more than that to me.

OP mean this kindly but this young woman isn’t different. She’s not. He was ‘nice’ to you when he first met you.
He’s met her, a young woman half his age, ONCE. I actually feel more sorry for her than I do for you.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been in this job for a decade and you like it. It’s a hideous set-up you are choosing to stay in. You can’t change the behaviour there. You either ignore it or move.
You have had several therapists and it’s clear you aren’t taking feedback in.
A man of 54 ‘marrying’ a young woman he’s met once is not treating her better than you.
If you can’t choose yourself and stay stuck in this world you will keep getting the same result.
At that point, only you can help yourself.

I am really frightened. I've read that sometimes the damage is too great and people end up taking their own lives. I think on top of losing my parents, it's all become too much. That and the way he is able to just detach and shift a lot of the blame on to me. I don't feel sorry for her at all, I am actually envious of her and I know that's not right so it's that type of feeling I really want to get past. He produced a drawing he'd had done of his soulmate and showed it to me saying 'I know it's you, I can tell by the smile' and I believed him. I'd already really liked him for years from a distance, so him saying that and then taking it away, being so cruel has caused a lot of damage. It just seems he has no regard for anyone, including his own kids and it's such a shock because I genuinely had believed he was someone who could never hurt anyone.

@TigerIsHome

We all agree he's an arsehole who lovebombs women before showing his abusive nature, which is obviously what he's doing with his latest victim.

We all think you need to keep as much distance from him as possible, and forget all about him. What else do you want us to say which you feel will genuinely help you?

As I said before my exH was cruel, abusive and narcissistic and has now abandoned our DD. To start with I believed I was the problem, but as I formed new friendships and people seemed to like me I came to realise that the problem was his so I parked it with him and moved on. He's on his own, and is bitter and sad. I'm in a great relationship with a proper nice bloke, who treats me kindly and my awful past is fading.

You need to make the first step in putting him in your past, then another and another. Don't let him spoil your future - you're the one in control of it now.

Thank you, I absolutely guarantee, I wouldn't cross a room to speak to him now and I never thought I'd say that. I thought he was a very mixed up guy who was avoidant, who had been hurt, but the way he broke this news to me was devoid of ANY care, despite knowing how I feel about him and have done all these years. And if he EVER tries to talk to me again and asks if I'm ok, he will be lucky if he doesn't get the response right between his eyes. I don't wish him any luck anymore and I hope he winds up getting a huge dose of karma.

I'm going to the GP at 1130. No idea what to say.

OP these are your words:

”And I have no idea how she could be when he's known her five minutes and met her once.

And it doesn't matter the length of the relationship. It's the length of my feelings”

Can you not see that you’re contradicting yourself here? The length of his new relationship matters and means it cannot be real but your own short relationship the length doesn’t matter?

I agree with PP’s that you need a new therapist- one who is labelling people she isn’t treating as narcissists and allowing you to spend every session obsessing about this person still is no good and you will never heal that way. Be honest with your GP and try to access some real support.

He might marry this woman and live happily ever after, he might not, but it should not impact your life either way.

Tbh, if i heard my ex talk about jozz stains, masturbating in the office and all else at work I would be hugely relieved I am not with this embarrassing tool anymore. Cause he is embarrassing.

She is not different. She’s probably playing her own game with him, has her own motives and is seeing him as a means to something. So she is putting up with all that he does, for now.

Do you realy think he will magically turn into loving supprtive husband with her? Think about it. It’s impossible. It’s just another shitshow he’s in, be glad you don’t have to put up with him anymore.

And for your own sake, consider looking for another place to work. It will take time to overcome the chaos but right now you are not even giving yourself a chance because the wound gets picked at daily.

You can get through this and find peace.

That's great to see that you're taking steps to avoid him.

If he does talk to you for work or personal reasons, stay calm and businesslike and keep your reply as brief as possible so he doesn't think you're interested in him.

If he gets any kind of emotional reaction out of you he'll enjoy it so try to avoid this.

You CAN get him out of your head. I know because I've done it - if you think of him, do it with pity and you can train your mind to think of him as smaller and less important over time. Soon it will become natural.

Are you able to work from home so you don't have to see him? If not I'd suggest telling your doctor that you're suffering stress at work and it's affecting your mental health. Ask to be signed off and use that time to look for a new job and start afresh as yourself, not just another one of his victims.

Just to add, I was very close to my parents and had lost both at 50. You think at 50, well it’s not unusual, you are not young, but for some people it can be so upsetting.
I think the thing OP is struggling with - and I’m no therapist - is grief. Parents can be a safety net in this world even as an adult and when they go, if you have no other relatives, it can be so unsettling.
And instead of dealing that grief, sometimes it’s easier to hang your hat on another issue. In this case, it’s an abusive man.
I had therapy which included EMDR where you barely talk about issues or experiences, you go straight into memories and your brain resets. It’s not a miracle cure, but it changed my life.
Again I’m not a therapist but the loss of parents here has been overwhelming and not dealt with.

Agree completely - I lost my dad a few months after my marriage ended, and I'd already lost my mum. I was 45 and felt very lost for a good while, like everyone had abandoned me.

Grief does strange things to you, maybe grief counselling would help @TigerIsHome

Life as you go on tends to be a series of loses, no disrespect op but you have a quite imature view on thinking life always improves.
With age those losses will accumulate and it throws at most of us the realisation that we can't have everything we want, and that includes losing people through death and unrequited relationships, some people learn these lessons very early on in life and this is maybe why pp's are frustrated with you.
It's just your time to really understand the pain of loss and not getting what you want.
Your mind has veered into unrealistic teritory, you want this man, yet he does not want you, and however vile he sounds, it is his right to have who he wants. You on the otherhand have a right to be upset with this man but it will not benefit you being unable to accept the reality that he wants someone else as much as you want him, now why should he forgo what he wants for you.
Someone has to be dissapointed and unfortunately that is you but this is life, a horrible lesson that we can't always get what we want.

He doesn't want you, he wants someone else, that is painful but you must accept this to move forward.

Start to focus on external things instead of your internal feelings, doesn't matter what you think of, cats, dogs, shopping, anything so long as it's not about you, try a little each day to take the focus off about yourself and build up, you need to replace those horrible hurtful feelings into something else whereby you are not so self absorbed.

You are planning everthing in your life around the loss of this man, these threads, therapists, your work dynamic with him, you must end this cycle and break the nuero pathways in your brain which keep you ruminating, this is only reinforcing the pain of your loss.

You will be ok, time is the healer, grief is very real and I wish you well on your recovery, you don't need a man, many women think they do but honestly when you leave that yearning for the perfect partner behind is when you start to appreciate the nicer things in life.

That's really not a normal work environment.

Of course changing jobs would be unsettling and hard, but there are less toxic office cultures and more supportive teams & managers.

Currently you're just spiralling because of still being in proximity to this man. I don't see how that isn't just as hard and unsettling and it seems really bad for your mental health to be exposed to all his drama.

You're feeding your obsession and hurt all the time.

(I didn't say anything about the length of the relationship or it being about sex.)

GP appointment went very well. Very nice and understanding doctor who was very sympathetic and said that there are a number of red flags surrounding him and I should run a mile.

She has offered psychiatric care, and a different medication for now. She advised that the counsellor I'm talking to (from an approved abuse advice organisation) is on the money and fine to continue and that a sick line is an option if I feel I'm not fit to work.

She was lovely.

Unfortunately when I came out of the surgery, a massive car had blocked me in and when I pointed it out to the woman concerned she said 'I will park where I like love' to which I said 'it was really stupid' and her son called me a fat fucking bitch - and said 'look at the state of you', which didn't help my self confidence and thoughts.

I was 23 years old when I lost my father.

I'm glad to hear the appointment went well, definitely take some time out for yourself if you need to. I hope you're able to find yourself again soon.

I think from your previous post I remember you had cats - how are they doing? Did you also have some acting going on with a local theatre before, if I remember right?

Yes they are the only thing keeping me going at the minute and thankfully they need and love me at least. Thank you Kelly.

All this sex talk and discussing women like this is really insulting and I think you will find very much against the law. You need to take it to HR otherwise it will never stop. Why have you tolerated such misogyny for so long??

Years ago I was sexually harassed at work. Then he touched me. Once. I let it go. The second time I didn't and I took it to my line manager. It never happened again.

Stop allowing this in your work environment and stand up for yourself.

A brief search has yielded this:

"Sexual talk in the workplace is largely illegal under UK law if it is unwanted and of a sexual nature. The Equality Act 2010 defines this as sexual harassment, and from October 26, 2024, the Worker Protection (Amendment of Equality Act 2010) Act 2023 places a proactive, legal duty on employers to prevent such behavior.
Acas +4
What Constitutes Sexual Harassment
Under the Equality Act 2010, sexual harassment involves unwanted conduct of a sexual nature that violates dignity or creates a hostile, degrading, or offensive environment. This covers:
Acas +1

• Sexual remarks about appearance or body.
• Offensive sexual jokes or "banter".
• Intrusive questions regarding private life.
• Explicit comments about sexual orientation or gender reassignment.
• Sexual rumours.
• Acas +2

Key Legal Considerations

• Irrelevant Intent: The focus is on the impact on the recipient, not the intention behind the conduct.
• Context: One-off serious incidents qualify, as do actions at work-related social events or virtual meetings.
• Employer Liability: Employers are liable unless they take "all reasonable steps" to prevent it, with a 25% compensation uplift possible from October 2024 for breaches.
• Protection: Victims are protected from victimization, and sexual harassment reporting will be protected under whistleblowing laws from April 2026.
• Acas +8

I've moved departments now so it doesn't happen to me in this one but I just happened to fall into the lion's den last week with him. It was stupid. But I take your point, it really shouldn't be happening at all, especially if I've been subject to it again or have heard it. I've heard stories (when I worked there) that he used to produce photos of women he was seeing and say 'look at the tits on that' to colleagues. So it's REALLY hard to think he may not be the same with this new one, especially after being called a fat bitch today.

He, and the other colleagues, female included, should have been reported ages ago.

It reads like a scenario from the 1950s, not a modern day working environment. In the 90s, I worked for a large car mechanic and we'd have a bit of banter and a laugh, but absolutely nothing, ever, like this. In fact, if one man in particular got out of hand, he'd get shut down by most of the other men.

This is horrendous. He sounds like a total monster in fact.

https://www.brighthr.com/articles/equality-and-discrimination/sexual-harassment/what-is-considered-sexual-harassment/

That's the point of my post. He can be awful, he was awful to me. So this is why I'm so anxious because between being called a fat bitch, and everything else, I see this image of Vietnamese perfection and think I'm the cause of his behaviour.

Gosh OP you are a bright woman.
Some idiot calling you a name is nothing to do with why this man is ‘with’ a Vietnamese woman. There is no link at all.
Sadly you came across idiots in a car park. Lots of people do you only have to see the abuse disabled MNetters get on here.
I am not saying ignore it, you are clearly fragile right now, but those two people today were just nobs.
He goes to Vietnam for these regular visits for a reason - probably to seek out economically vulnerable young women. No doubt he’s picked a few slim ones along the way but pick as in close to paying for.
It is not a man meeting a woman seeing her as an equal. It is a transaction.
The fact that he’s made so many vile comments shows what he is - he hates women and uses them.
Do you honestly think a decent woman from a loving home who is close to 50 is the cause of an abusive man’s many many vile behaviours.
Is it your fault this man has gone to Vietnam again?
No.
None of his behaviours are anything to do with you they would have existed before you met him and are still that after he has moved on.
I have not been in your position exactly but I have been in a very dark place for an extended period. I went from therapist to therapist repeating myself. And it was always to do with someone else and how they’d hurt me.
Also realised that it drives people away. You need a content life, with a few good friends doing things you enjoy, being around people who like you.
When you see yourself as someone who tries to be good and always finishes last, when you give that vibe to others, it’s too much. I know this, because I did it.
You are in a different department now. Stay away from this man if you can’t leave.
You need to do a self search as to what led you to him and why you stayed - that is your responsibility.
When my parents were both gone I did realise this - nobody is coming to rescue me, but they would have been heartbroken to see me unhappy after they had gone.
You have to make the decision to make change. It has to come from you.
If you keep taking to heart every single thing you hear/see/perceive you will continue on the same.
At 50 you have a good job, I presume good physical health, you will have your own unique personality - things you enjoy, food you like, favourite films. You are not defined by someone else.

No doubt he is awful to everyone, once he has used them up in classic abuser style. He will in fact be awful to the Vietnamese woman... women... once they've served their purpose(s).

This is not about you. You're probably an empath, way too giving, way too kind and most importantly, not boundaried enough.

Try watching something inspiring about strong women. I don't know, Xena Warrior Princess got me through some hard times many moons ago after I was physically abused by the most horrendous boyfriend you could never wish for. Strong woman, in her power, very funny.

Do some reading about rejection sensitivity, trauma bonding, addiction to others through co-dependency. Lots of resources out there online to explain why you feel this way and many also to help guide you towards healing. Sadly you sound very stuck. I have been there. The anger, upset and resentment will make you ill if you're not careful. I should know, I ended up in A&E in a massive crisis with chest pain. I was OK in the end, but the anger was eating me up.

May I also recommend exercise. Get outside as much as possible. And if you have a faith or belief in something greater, then get into that or back into it. Eat as well as you can, get some supplementing vitamins etc. and work on yourself. Continuing to focus on why he does what he does and who he is will take you further down into a spiral of more anger and sadness which will harm only you.

I think you're looking for some form of recompense for lost energy and feeling completely invalidate. Trust me, you can only give yourself love and validation and once you start truly caring for yourself and valuing YOU above all these twats, you'll start emitting a very different frequency and start attracting really good, honest, kind people.

But you have answered your own question and you have answered it correctly. He isn’t nice. What you are seeking is proof, I have been down that road and it will drive you mad. My abusive ex has moved on and he appears to treat his gf well and it got to me. But it’s all circumstantial because they always appear good to the outside, we will never get to see on the inside. Trust you own judgement on this, you don’t need proof.